Writing Feedback / Toefl writing: technology has apparently assisted our kids to become more creative [3]

Hi there,

First of all, your essay is quite good for a Toelf piece of writing. I'm sure that you will receive a decent score if you wrote this in the designated time frame.

Second of all, your structure is good although you should avoid using the transitions words like first, second, etc. (notice that I just used that and my comments sounds quite disruptive.) I'm sure you know about the paragraph structure: the first (or second) sentence of each paragraph should summarize the paragraph's ideas. After that, you can lay two or three supporting sentences then a concluding sentence. I saw that you already done that quite well in the first body paragraph. However, your topic sentence of the second paragraph is quite vague. I'm not sure what you mean so perhaps try to avoid words that you are not familiar. I would suggest something like this "Second, the Internet is a convenient tool for children to search for new information."

There are a few other minor errors, mostly preposition errors. For instances, in the sentence "For example, the game mine craft, by collecting the building block, you can build the world in your mind. ", you should add "For example, [in] the game mine craft, by collecting the building block, you can build the world in your mind. " or better to move the in the game mine craft phrase to the end. I would suggest you read more article or books online then your sentences will sound more natural and you will use correct prepositions.

Try to avoid lengthy sentences as you may create run-on sentences. It would be best to stick to the Subject + Verb + Object structure. Long sentences also are difficult to read and understand. As an example, "Admittedly, it is unable to deny that the technology might make children become lazier and be comfortable with what is already available because everything are so convenient nowadays and there seems to be no way to improve them." should be broken to two sentences like "Admittedly, technology might make children become lazy and content. Everything is so convenient and there seems to be no improvement possible." still kinda run-on but you know what I meant.

Regardless, your essay is easy to read. Keep it up.

TN.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

@Holt
Hi, thank you very much for your feedback. I have alter the essay as following. As it is a statement of purpose, I am not sure how much of relevant training and work experiences I should include (as they are listed on my transcripts and resume as well.) So, please let me know if this amount is enough or should I add more. I have elaborated on the school analysis so please let me know if this is relevant enough.

I don't understand your previous comments very well so I'm not sure if this edition is exactly what you suggest. If not, please elaborate on your comment a little more.

Once again, thank you very much for you help.

MY STRENGTHS, WEAKNESSES AND GOALS FOR THE FUTURE

My goal is to help businesses improve their forecasts, making them more sustainable and profitable. Growing up in and now working in Vietnam where pollution is among the ten worst countries in the world, I have witnessed the dreadful consequences of industrial waste and pollution. I want to focus on improving forecasts because it can help businesses form better strategies to cut waste on their supply chains - in the interest of both businesses and the environment. Meanwhile, this field allows me to exercise my passion and aptitude for quantitative reasoning. After graduate school, I plan to become a solution architect who is the front end to businesses and designs predictive solutions. I hope to later grow into a data scientist who oversees not only business solution design but also implementation.

I wish to work in designing (...)

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

@Holt
Thank you very very much for your feedback. Below is the discussion on my relevant work experiences. This is rather lengthy because I included almost everything. Please feel free to tell me which part to trim.

I also have two questions as following. As I don't have much experience in writing, please kindly ignore their silliness.

1. As the prompt specifically requires me to discuss my weakness. Would it be alright to leave this topic out entirely?

2. If I am applying for another university that requires only 1 page double space (about 300 words) of my academic and professional goals. Can I use the first 3 paragraphs of my essay above (after we finish editing) along with the analysis of how that school's program matches my interests?

Thank you very much for your help.

My work experiences

I have worked in assisting management control and decision making for two years. After college, I worked at Nhon Trach Packaging JSC - a plastic bags manufacturer as the production director's assistant. During my time at this company, I cleaned and analyzed production output and quality data to provide managers an informative view on daily production processes. I Drilled down on the data to identify which production stage caused the most defects and traced the improvements on such stage. I also implemented statistical tools, such as control charts, to spot unusual output volumes and defective parts to issue warnings, which was a new and effective quality control method that the company had not used before.

Although Nhon Track Packaging was a decent employer, their plastic products directly contrast my passion for sustainability. Thus, I then start working as Project Administrator at Hella Vietnam Co. Ltd., a subsidy of the Hella Global - a German automotive company. My main responsibilities were to forecast the engineering department's future capacity which is measured by the unit of working hours and control the costs of all customer projects in Vietnam. I built a regression forecasting model to predict future working hours from analyzing historical data. The model's results were used to plan for future months' resources. I successfully established a new early warning system, which issues warning 4 to 5 weeks before a project's budget exhausts. Besides my main responsibilities, I took on inter-department projects which I consult other departments on their issues and needs for data processing. Then, I would build VBA solutions to assist them with their needs. Some solutions result up to 70% decrease in data processing time and 50% increase in data accuracy. For instances, I built a program to help the Human Resource department consolidate, analyze, and report hiring information from four different locations in both China and Vietnam in a few minutes. This task could have taken hours to complete manually.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

@Holt
Hi, thank you very much for your answer. I will keep it in mind.

I am not sure if I understand your review. When you say


do you mean that I have not included a complete discussion about relevant training information or that I know exactly what I will be doing and what is expected of me as a student of this MS course in the university? If so, would you please kindly give an example on what you mean by a sufficient discussion (bullet points are enough.)

Thank you very much for your help. I apologize for my slow understanding.

Best,
TN.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

@Holt
Oh dear, I feel incredibly dumb. I'm still not sure what you meant but I give it a try anyway. Please let me know if the essay at the end of this thread is in the direction of your suggestions. Please notice that it is now quite lengthy with lots of run-on sentences. Please check the content first. If it's alright, I'll clean it up.

I summarize your suggestions as following only to make sure that I understand you right. Please let me know if I'm totally off. Your suggestions are:

+ When discuss strengths, stick to the academic overview of the discussion. Focus on strong subjects and abilities : I try this at paragraph 4

+ How university caught your interest and offers academic programs relevant to your masters degree: my last paragraph and second to last

+ Relevant training information: paragraph 2, 3, 4

+ Descriptions of your duties and responsibilities: paragraph 2, 3, 4

+ Discuss the weakness as a possible strength: I cannot think of one but I indicate my weakness as something that can be fixed by the graduate program

Thank you very much. You are a great help as always.

My Goals, Strengths, and Weakness As an Analytic Professional

My goal is to help businesses improve their forecasts...

I wish to work on improving predictive models after seeing the impact of forecast accuracy on businesses' waste. After college, I worked at Nhon Trach Packaging JSC - a plastic bags manufacturer - as the production director's assistant. My main responsibility was to clean, analyze, and apply statistical tools on production data to provide managers an informative view on daily production outputs and defective part amounts. I traced each production stage to determine which produces the most defects and detect improvement on each stage's result. I observed that more than twenty percent of production waste resulted from unexpected demands disrupting operations. This twenty percent translates to approximately 300 tons of plastic that could have been saved. The potential financial and environmental benefits are enormous. Therefore, I have been very interested in designing predictive models to help businesses better prepare for the future. This way, production will no longer has to chase after demands. I am also interested in unfolding forecasts' implications to help businesses use forecasts to solve problems. As I possess background knowledge related to optimization and simulation, I intend to incorporate these skills to assist businesses to make better decisions based on predictions.

I decide to pursue a Master of Science in Analytics to further develop my skills and learn the advanced knowledge I could not obtain through work or undergraduate studies. After leaving Nhon Trach Packaging as its products contrast my passion for sustainability, I worked as a Project Administrator at Hella Vietnam Co. Ltd., a member of the Hella Group - a German automotive company. My main responsibilities were to forecast the engineering department's future capacity which is measured by the unit of working hours. I built a regression forecasting model to predict future working hours from analyzing historical data. The model results were used to plan for future months' resources. Although I succeeded at creating simple forecasting models, I have not learned to model complex problems such as building market demand forecasts. This is when I recognize the need for higher education.

My strengths are my interdisciplinary knowledge. Besides analytical knowledge, I excel in the topics of computer programming, optimization, simulation, and business. The skills that are deemed to be most important for analytic professionals. I possess strong foundations in statistics. In fact, I was one of the two tutors chosen by my department to tutor statistic and operation research because of my academic excellence. While working at Hella Vietnam, I further improve my programming participated in inter-department projects to consult and develop VBA programs to answer their needs for data analysis and management. I am experienced in dealing with businesses' needs from working in the management office of several different companies. Therefore, I am more keen on designing solutions that are both practical and compelling to businesses. With my knowledge, I believe that I will bring interesting insights regarding global business to the classrooms at Oklahoma State University. Furthermore, I am fascinated with extracting information from raw data.

My greatest weakness is the lack of knowledge about propriety statistical software. Despite being proficient in many programming languages, I have not had the opportunity to learn about many different statistical software, especially the proprietary ones. I am aware of the seriousness of this lacking so I am more focus and diligent on learning about them. Moreover, as this MS program is focused on proprietary software like SAS, I believe that I will posses the knowledge to overcome this weakness.

The Analytics and Data Mining program at Oklahoma State University is particularly relevant to my interests because the program offers core courses that focus on predictive and prescriptive analytic tools and software. Thus, I will be able to deepen my knowledge in the statistical software R and learn how to employ other statistical tools. Moreover, the program contains several projects which will allow me to employ my independent learning skills to explore applications of the knowledge learnt in class. The program also offers the opportunity to complete SAS and OSU Certificates, which will provide me an advantage to land my desired job upon graduation.

Writing Feedback / How to write an essay about TV-watching habits? [5]

@Sarasped
I'm curious about this essay's purpose. Is this a writing assignment?

Your grammar is good. You may want to vary your sentence lengths a little bit to keep the readers interested. All but the last sentence are easy to follow.

Content wise, you lay down lots of statements with little support. For example, you stated that television is more reliable than the Internet. However, the point is that you didn't provide any support or reason why one is more reliable. Maybe you should add something like "television programs are more reliable because the contents that go on TV are often selected carefully by professional editors. In contrast, contents on the Internet can be created by anyone." Perhaps you should pick only the most convincing statements to save space for the supports of such statements.

One more thing, maybe you should state your position at the beginning. It would make things easier for the reader.

Best,
TN.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

@Holt

Thank you so much for for your help during the last few days. As the deadline is approaching, I am no longer able to push back submitting the essay. Thus, any final feedback on the content ? (sentences, grammar and word choice will be refined a bit more)

Once again, thank you very very much.

My Goals, Strengths, and Weakness as an Analytic Professional

My goal is to assist businesses to improve their forecasts, making them more sustainable and profitable. Growing up in and now living in Vietnam where pollution is among the ten worst countries in the world, I have witnessed the devastating aftermath of industrial waste and pollution. I want to focus on forecast improvement because it can help businesses form better strategies to cut operation waste, which benefits both businesses and the environment. Meanwhile, this discipline allows me to utilize my passion and aptitude for quantitative reasoning. After graduate school, I plan to become a solution architect who is the front end to businesses and designs predictive solutions. I hope to later grow into a data scientist who oversees not only business solution design but also implementation.

During my undergraduate studies, I learned to use a wide set of skills to assist decision making. As the results, I possess strong foundations in statistics, data analysis, and data management. The Decision Sciences department hired me as one of the two tutors for the courses of statistics and operation research based on my academic merits. Although my undergraduate studies cover lots of subjects, I was particularly interested in the subject of data analytics. However, my interest on forecasting only crystallized a few years later from my post-graduate experiences.

When I perceived the impact of forecast accuracy on businesses' waste, I knew that I would like to pursue a career in forecasting. My main responsibility when working at Nhon Trach Packaging JSC was to clean and analyze production records. As I observed, more than twenty percent of production waste, which translates to about 300 tons of plastics annually, is produced when unexpected demands disrupt operations. Thus, I intend to make forecasting models that help businesses better prepare for the future. Also, I am interested in unfolding forecasts' implications to help businesses use forecasts to solve operational or supply chain problems. I intend to incorporate my background knowledge in optimization and simulation to help businesses make better decisions from predictions.

As an analyst, my greatest strength is my interdisciplinary knowledge. Besides analytical skills, I excel in the topics of optimization, computer programming, and business. This knowledge helps me form complete views on businesses' problems and design comprehensive solutions. During college, I built several optimization model including at work, I employ my programming skills by participating in inter-department projects to consult and develop VBA programs to response to data analysis and data management requirements. I am experienced in dealing with businesses' needs from working in the management office of several different companies. With my knowledge, I believe that I will bring interesting insights regarding global business to the classrooms at Oklahoma State University.

Nonetheless, the lack of knowledge about statistical software is my greatest weakness. Despite being proficient in many programming languages, I have not had to opportunity to learn to operate analytical software other than R and Microsoft Excel. This lack of knowledge makes me incapable of analyzing unstructured data and taking advantage of the emerging field of predictive analysis from big data. As I am aware of my lacking, I tend to put more effort in learning.

I decide to pursue a Master of Science in Analytics to further develop my skills and learn the advanced knowledge I could not obtain through undergraduate studies or work. I possess strong foundations in statistics, programming, and data management from my undergraduate studies. I was one of the two tutors chosen by the department based on my academic excellence. While working for the Program Management Office at Hella Vietnam Co. Ltd., I successfully built a model to forecast the engineering department's capacity. Although I succeeded at creating simple forecasting models, I have not learned to model complex problems such as market demand forecasts. This is when I recognize the need for higher education.

The Analytics and Data Mining program at Oklahoma State University is particularly relevant to my interests because the program offers core courses that focus on predictive and prescriptive analytic tools and software. Thus, I will be able learn how to employ other statistical tools, such as SAS, to improve upon my weakness. Moreover, the program contains several projects which will allow me to employ my independent learning skills to explore applications of the knowledge learnt in class. The program also offers the opportunity to complete SAS and OSU Certificates, which will provide me an advantage to land a position in the field of forecasting as I desire upon graduation.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

Thank you so much @Holt
I wish you all the best.