Scholarship / Self-introduction for fashion but I graduated from different field. [7]

Prapasiri Machamee, I think you should put my passion to study Korean and what I interested in Korea/Korean language in the opening passage. Are there any links between the reason you chose Japanese major with your passion to study Korean. Otherwise, remove it.

Writing Feedback / As the proverb goes "Union is strength", we owe to co-operating for our existence. [4]

Adam, you should shorten your introduction, condense it into 2 sentences. For the body, it's better to add more points or explanations
In my opinion, you should use " In conclusion" instead of "By way of conclusion"
english.stackexchange.c../questions/168882/what-is-the-difference-between-in-conclusion-and-by-way-of-conclusion
I hope it helps