Writing Feedback / MY IELTS PRACTICE ESSAY ON THE "EXTINCTION" OF SEVERAL LANGUAGES [7]

Hello Pham

Since you mentioned in the first sentence that some of languages are in danger of extinction every year, I suggest you to put of the example of the languages that dangered in the extinction nowadays. to improve your essay more better. I hope my suggestion will help you. Good luck for the essay!

Scholarship / Plan to applying for the KGSP for Graduate Degree via Embassy this year [7]

Hello @Holt
Thank you so much for your insight and advises, it really help me out. I already revised my essay for paragraph 1 until paragraph 4, I hope you could give me some suggestions. I havent revised the 5th paragraph yet, since you suggest me to revised the 1st paragraph until 4th paragraph. Here are my revisions.

Paragraph 1: My name is , I am 22 years old from Indonesia. I was born in Marseille, but my family originally Indonesia. I have one sister. My mom is a usual housewife while my father is a lecture who become sucessfully business management consultant up until now. He usually go in his work days to meet client from the big companies in Indonesia. My dad and my mom are my rolemodel in my life when it comes to values that I hold in my life. They believe the hardwork and efforts can change the living of someone. They raised me and my sister with those 2 values in my life, hardwork and efforts. Since I was child, in the age of school, those 2 values grown up on me day by day. I always put through a lot of effort and hardwork in the way of study. Maybe for others, study is boring but for me study is fun thing, it can widen out my knowledge. Like Thomas Alva Edison said "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration," I know my IQ is not that high like other smart students, but with hardworking and efforts, I could receive many achievements. It way works for me, from elementary school to senior high school I always being include as top 10 students in the class. Since then, I grow up as a girl who always put hardworker through whatever I done in my life, become curious to what I don't understand, never give up and put a lot of efforts to strive what I want to accomplished in my life. With those values, I can survive and struggles to entry and study in one of the best university in Indonesia. With both of the values too, I live with the belief that success not an instant thing that happened to someone lives.

Paragraph 2: I could say since I was little, I already surrounding by the business life. My passed away grandfather was a production director of a tea company which have family farms business as well. Since I spent my childhood by lived in grandfather and grandmother house, I already get used with the business condition happened in my surrounding. By that, my entrepreneur and business skill were grown up too. While I was elementary school student, instead of study, I made a handmade bracelet and sell it to my friends. It received a big success, I gained many income from sell the handmade bracelet. While I was junior high school student and senior high school student, I opened a rented novel business, by rent my novels to my friends, and they should pay me with the novel they rent for few days. Since then, my parents rare to give me the money because I have my own income. As times passed by, finally I decide to enter faculty of business and management for my focus study in university to learn more how to be successful a business owner and how to manage the business itself. In the second year of my university life, I was given out the course where I should make business with a group of friends. I was appointed to be the Chief Marketing Office for the business that I made with the friends. I conducted the marketing research, promotion and the strategies how to sell the product. As I hold that position, my management skill and business skill were become sharp. Finally in the end of the course, we managed to sell about 800 products in total with price Rp 200,000 or $15 for each product sold. We achieved our target which to sold maximum 500 products. Unfortunately, we didn't continue the business as the course ended because my friends and I were busy with our activities and final project too. Beside academic activities, I active in the Student Association too, I was appointed to be the Vice Minister of Finance for Student Association, with that position, my knowledge about the finance management were sharpen out. At October 2016, finally I received a tittle "Bachelor of Management" after 4 years of study.

Paragraph 3: Talk about my work experience, I did part time job since the third year of university until now. I work part time as junior business and management consultant at my university consultant institute. My job is to help out the senior consultant to resolve the problems related to business process management and workload analysis for client (most of them are government companies in Indonesia). I did collecting the data by conduct the research and Focus Group Discussion with Board of Managers and Directors, and then analysis the data, after that make the report of the progress for the Board of Managers and Directors. Consequently, during my work as junior management consultant, I achieve so many knowledges about the business and management itself, aside of that I have gained many experienced such as in communication skill, business and management application skill (SPSS and Structural Equation Modelling) and how to resolve the problems related to business process management and workload analysis. For me, facing different problems of each client companies is a challenging part of this job from me, I gained so many experiences and knowledges by that. I could say that my job as junior business and management consultant give me a lot positive impacts rather than the pressures.

Paragraph 4: Since I was child, I have plan and goals to continue and achieve education as higher as I can rather than work. I think that with many knowledges that I know, I can easily facing any big problems in my life and in works. I always think that education is more important rather than work itself, since we could do our work based on knowledge we had, and knowledge could be only get from the education. This is one of the reason why I wanted to pursue my master studies first and leave out my work. Beside of that, while I work as junior business and management consultant, I found so many problems that the companies in my country faced relating with the business process and procedures. 2 of them that I mostly found are first, there are so many companies that have business procedures, but the business procedures in their company not work at all. Secondly, the level of maturity of companies in my country didn't grow up, because the inefficient business processes. Third many business process in Indonesia that didn't managed well and coherent with the companies itself. There are just a few problems of business process and procedures that faced by most of companies in my countries. There are actually a lot of problems related to it, that make most of Indonesia companies can't survive well in the global competition with other companies from another country. By pursuing master degree, I hope I could help small companies and big companies in Indonesia (through my career as business and management consultant later) to find the right solutions for the problems I mentioned above, since my knowledges that I earned in Bachelor Degree not enough to resolve the problems that I explained above and other business and management problems as well.

Scholarship / Plan to applying for the KGSP for Graduate Degree via Embassy this year [7]

@nono15
Hello, thank you so much for your advise about abbreviations, actually I had revised my essay on the comment above, could you give any advises oor suggestion related with my revision? Thank you!