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Posts by yvonne09
Joined: Aug 31, 2009
Last Post: Sep 2, 2009
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yvonne09   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Thong Kheng Home for the mentally disabled (Common Application Short Essay) [6]

In the space below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words)

Just across the street, the black fencing that surrounds the blue building seems to divide it from the rest of the world. Thoughts of entering such a protected place were brushed off my mind. It was the Blue Cross Thong Kheng Home, an institution for mentally disabled individuals. My sweaty palms and expressionless face fully showed my uneasiness. The building looked foreign yet familiar. But the moment I stepped into the building, all of my uneasiness vanished. The heavy and tensed atmosphere was replaced by warmth from these "big" children. They are actually just like you and me. All they need is just a little more patience and time to learn. Although we faced problems in conversing, they showed their appreciation through the simplest yet most heartwarming way. That is either giving a big hug or showing a wide smile on their faces.

(143 words)

I need some comments! Thanks! (;
yvonne09   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

I like this essay a lot.
It has a very nice tone and makes me want to continue reading.

Your essay is off the word limit by way too much.
Try making short sentences.

"I threatened to call the authorities on her. She, in turn, threatened to fire me. God knew how much I needed this job, and so I relented."

I don't really like this part though. Maybe you should rephrase it a little.

Great work!(;
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