Evaluate a significant risk you have taken or ethical dilemma you have faced and discuss its impact on you.Money solves all problems. Whoever came up with this saying couldn't have been more wrong.
On the first day of my freshman year, I sat in Global class, dazing off as the teacher went through the same rituals and explained the rules I had heard at least 10 times that day. The girl next to me tapped my shoulder and introduced herself. She told me she was working at a day care center and her boss had asked her to help hire another person all summer. I jumped at the opportunity, knowing I needed the money more than ever. My mom had been struggling to pay all the bills and put food on the table at the same time. I knew that with the additional income; I would be able to take some of the burden off her shoulders. At the end of the day, my new friend brought me to the day care and I began my first day at work.
After a couple of weeks, I began to feel right at home. The children greeted me each day affectionately with bright smiles and warm hugs. Everyone was buoyant; eager to claim my attention, sharing their toys and showing me how they had gotten each scab. It was not long before each child claimed its special place in my heart. The end of the day was the hardest part, parting with the children with only the thought of knowing I would come back to those adorable faces to comfort me.
During one of their naptimes, a sobbing child was pulled aside by a teacher. Worried, I went to check on her. To my horror, I found the teacher disciplining the child. I watched as the child cried in pain, uselessly trying to avoid each strike. I quickly stepped between them and demanded an explanation. The teacher reasoned that if the child were disciplined, she would learn not to cry in inappropriate times such as now. I was shocked by the teacher's drastic measures to such an insignificant act such as this. I threatened to call the authorities on her. She, in turn, threatened to fire me. God knew how much I needed this job, and so I relented.
That day, I went home with a guilty conscience. I was disgusted with both the teacher and myself. How could anyone bear to hurt such an innocent child? More importantly, how could I have stepped aside and let it happen? I felt sick to my stomach but I could find no solution that would solve both problems. So I returned each day and silently watched as the punishments continued. I could confide in no one, fearing they would only make matters worse.
I grew more depressed as the guilt gnawed its way through me, so that soon I was just an empty shell. I was unable to concentrate on schoolwork and found no interest in my friends. To make matters worse, our rent was raised giving both my mom and I more pressure. I felt more trapped than ever. Eventually, my teachers contacted my mom about my grades. She demanded to know what was going on but I could not tell her. Instead, I suffered the chastisement silently.
While I was at school, my mom went through my drawers till she found my diary. In it, she found out about the child abuse that was occurring at the day care. Although I was furious that she had gone through my belongings and invaded my privacy, I was secretly glad that I no longer had to deal with it alone. I finally told her that I could not risk losing the job with all the payments we had to deal with. She, in turn, asked me to be in the parents' position. Would I want my child to be physically and emotionally scarred because of a worker's selfishness? It was then that I realized I had to do. That night I called the police and explained my situation. The minute I hung up the phone, I felt like a new person. When I arrived to work the next day, I found the teacher in handcuffs being led away. I apologized to all the children and all the parents for not reporting the child abuser until now. The day care center was closed down although I still baby-sit some of the kids.
Max words: 500
Words here: 729
Any way to shorten it? And criticism would be most welcome
This is a very powerful story. You can cut it down to fit your word limit by saying less about the mechanics of how you came to be working at the day care center and by excising excess words from sentences without sacrificing their meaning. Don't cut any of the story itself, as every element is essential.
I grew more depressed as the guilt gnawed
its way through me; so that soon I was just an empty shell. I couldn't concentrate on schoolwork and found no interest inneglected my friends. To make matters worse, our rent was raised, giving both my mom and Iadding more pressure. I felt more trapped than ever. Eventually, my teachers contacted my mom about my grades. She demanded to know what was going onhappening, but I could not tell her. Instead, I suffered the chastisement silently.
Other than that how else can I improve it?
any more constructive criticism would be great!
Excellent. This is original and your tone pulls me in.
The only problem I have with this essay is the conclusion. Although you end up solving the dilemma you end on a rather gloomy note.
The minute I hung up the phone, I ... still baby-sit some of the kids.
You spend the whole time expanding on something so negative. I feel that you should end in a much brighter way. I can see many impacts from this event.
Also, I think that you have learned to share your burdon with others and to become selfless. I would add a sentence emphasizing this impact.
Money solves all problems. Whoever came up with this saying couldn't have been more wrong.
I'd cut this. The essay is very strongly written, but this as an introduction does the rest of it a disservice, mostly because the moral of your story isn't really that "money doesn't solve all problems." It is certainly a lesson one can take from it, but it really isn't the central one.
I understand why you say that, Sean. But I actually like the intro. Can't explain why though. Perhaps because the voice of the writer comes through. It's not essential, though, so I guess it could be cut for space.
... to help hire another person
all summer .
I jumped at the opportunity, as I knew that I needed the money more than ever
Everyone was buoyant; ... adorable faces to comfort me.
^If you are worried about reducing your word length, this can go in my opinion. It's personal, but I think the idea of how much these kids meant to you is expressed in a very general type of way. Unless you can come up with a more powerful means of saying this, just including this is relatively simple. Such simplicity, can go. It can remain as well, but then again, you have stated your intentions of reducing the word count.
One day, During
one of their naptime s , a sobbing child was ...
I watched as the child cried in pain
, uselessly trying toand uselessly tried to avoid each strike.
The teacher reasoned that if the child
werewas disciplined,she would learn not to cry... I was shocked by the teacher's drastic measures to such an insignificant act such as this.
^Your use of the word 'she's is ambiguous.
How could anyone
bear to hurt such an innocent child? More importantly, how could I have stepped aside and let it happen?
... that would solve both problems.
I could confide in no one,
fearing they would only make matters worsein fear that matters would only worsen .
*Is one of the problems your sick stomach? If so, that is fine. If not, then revise.
I grew more depressed
as the; guilt gnawed its way through me , so that soon I was just an empty shell . I was unable to concentrate on schoolwork and found no interestin my friends. To make matters worse, our rent was raised giving both my mom and I more pressure .
Instead, I suffered the chastisementsilently.
... about the child abuse
that was occurring at the day care .
... scarred because of a worker's selfishness?
It was then that I realized I had to do. That night I called the police and explained my situation .
It is a nice essay.
But I actually like the intro. Can't explain why though.
It is a good introduction, inasmuch as it catches the readers attention. I'm guessing you agree with the sentiment, too. It just doesn't really work with the essay that follows it, which is more of a narrative about the importance of doing the right thing even when doing so involves personal risk. Maybe it could be the basis of another essay? I think most of these applications have at least one optional topic of choice prompt somewhere.
No, it's because it's so clearly in the author's young voice. And the ethical dilemma did involve money, profoundly. The author came into more money, by means of the job, the job created the dilemma, and the money made it difficult to do the right thing.
I like this essay a lot.
It has a very nice tone and makes me want to continue reading.
Your essay is off the word limit by way too much.
Try making short sentences.
"I threatened to call the authorities on her. She, in turn, threatened to fire me. God knew how much I needed this job, and so I relented."
I don't really like this part though. Maybe you should rephrase it a little.
It recently occurred to me that my essay was not really answering the question. The question asked me to "evaluate" an experience and discuss its impact. In the last essay, I described my experiences more than I analyzed it. In this essay I tried to focus more on the impacts of the situation. However, I felt that this essay lacks a little substance. Should I stick with the old essay or continue to work on this one? And for either one, how could I improve it to either answer the question more thoroughly or give it more substance?
If you arrived in front of a building a flyer claimed to be an exquisite day care center, you would've been severely disappointed. You would find a tattered sign on the floor with the words "day care" barely made out on it, bare windows with pieces of tape and paper still stuck on it, and a big "FOR RENT" sign hanging on the door. The yard was yellowing and parched from lack of maintenance and the fence was rusted from lack of use. This place was where I got my first job.
A few months earlier, the tattered sign was clean and white with rainbows and happy faces surrounding the name of the day care center. Drawings clearly drawn by five year olds covered every inch of every window in the building. The yard was green and lustrous. The fence was shining and glistening in the sun. Children could be heard laughing and playing with each other.
Being my very first job, quitting was a very difficult decision to make. For a while, I worked at the day care center everyday after school. I was given a snack everyday and a check every two weeks. I got along with the children there quite nicely. They were constantly talking and moving, bouncing off the walls with superfluous energy. The teachers there all seemed to be very affectionate and loving towards the kids. "Seemed" would be the key word. Not long after working there, I discovered that the children there were being taught through corporal punishment. I was horrified by my discovery and my first thought was to report it to the authorities. My second thought, however, was how that would affect me. At home, I acquired new responsibilities such as helping to pay for the food and bills. I could not guarantee I could find a new job and during that time surviving without my additional, but petty income, would be increasingly difficult. In the end, my guilty conscience won and after several weeks of failing grades and neglecting friends and family, I brought my situation to the attention of the authorities. The owner and the abusers were arrested and the day care was closed down.
Although this problem was resolved another problem surfaced. It occurred to me how delicate the balance of right and wrong was. How could I guarantee the next time I was faced by a problem I would make the right decision? In this situation I had known right from the start what the right thing to do was. Could I be certain that the next time I was presented with a difficulty I would know what I had to do, let alone do the right thing? The answer to that question was no. For years I have gone to school learning about subjects ranging from history to science, from math to English. Never had I been in a class that taught me how to deal with dilemmas I would come across in life. Things like the causes of the French Revolution and the number of bones an ant had were useless information to me. What I needed to know was what to do when I was placed in a difficult position where making a decision would amount to a certain sacrifice made by some or all sides. Where would I be taught this? The correct answer is, hopefully, college. College was a place where people of all cultures and backgrounds interacted and learned together. College was where doors were opened and chances to interact with people in the real world were made. In college, I hope to learn and enhance my leadership skills so that when I am set out into the real world, I may be more confident in my decisions. Although college cannot guarantee that I will make the right decisions every time, it will certainly increase the chances.
HI, YOU HAVE WRITTEN DESCRIPTION, IIT DOESNT LOOK ESSAY IT LOOK YOU ARE TELLING STORY. ESSAY SHOULD BE IN PART AND STARTING OF ESSAY YOU CANT GIVE EXAMPLE.
I may be wrong but I think a good essay should not sound like an essay- that would be boring. An essay should flow like a story with a beginning middle and end. I started the beginning of my essay with the description so that I can draw the reader in but as you read on I evaluate the significance of the event.
Your first essay is stronger. Your description of your emotional suffering deals with the impact part quite nicely. The second essay tries to hard to connect the experience to your desire to go to college. Hopefully, you have many other reasons for wanting to go to college, so this is unnecessary. Also, unless you plan to major in ethics, it rings a bit false, too.
Thanks for the feedback. I just thought that colleges would want me to connect my experience to how i would be a good addition to their college, but I guess its imlied in my first essay so I shouldn't have to come right out and say it.
your first essay is definitely stronger. although it is in need of some serious editing (incorrect use of punctuation, tense, pron.agmt.), it is a very interesting story.
however, i was mildly disturbed by the fact that the truth came out only after your mother read your diary and essentially forced you to take ethical action. it doesn't appear that you overcame this ethical dilemma using your own convictions nor is it evident that your sense of personal accountability had anything to do with the resolution. your second essay does a better job resolving the issue, although it is somewhat vague.
Actually, my mother didn't force me to do anything. She guided me toward the right decision which is essentially what parents are here for. And as mentioned before I was seriously bothered by this situation and only needed a little encouragement to do what I felt was right. As said, it was an ethical dilemma as in I had to make a difficult decision. While my mother was a strong influence, ultimately the decision was up to me. I could have chosen to keep my job and let the punishments continue. And as to the issue, I'm not sure what you're referring to-the issue in the story or the issue of my personal accountability. Also could you point out the grammatical errors?
Yes. If your mother had called the police instead of you, that would be a problem. As it is, you should be okay, and your willingness to honestly admit you started off making the wrong decision is a plus, in my book.
I knew that with the additional income, I would be able to take some of the burden off her shoulders.
It was not long before each child claimed
itsa special place in my heart.
While I was at school, my mom went through my drawers
till she found my diary.
--until, whereupon, etc...
in addition to some of the previous corrections, here are a few more. unfortunately, i don't have the time to get into the issues with tense. i would advise seeking help from an English teacher or someone here who can go through it with you.
as far as the issue to which i am referring, i was merely noting that from an adcom pov, it might be more compelling to see a stronger personal conviction. that doesn't necessarily mean that it was lacking in your situation. it may only mean that you could project it in a better way.