Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by izay1018
Name: Isaiah Crooks
Joined: Oct 23, 2017
Last Post: Oct 23, 2017
Threads: 1
Posts: 1  
From: United States
School: El Camino Real Charter High School

Displayed posts: 2
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izay1018   
Oct 23, 2017
Undergraduate / UW College Essay: Family History/Cultural History --> Education Goals [3]

PROMPT: Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or present you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.

move the "Land of the Free"



"I'm a wiener!" The children laughed at the naive, young Salvadoran girl. She had just won a game of handball, and had pronounced the word just as her ESL teacher had taught her- or so she thought. My mother moved to the San Fernando Valley at the young age of 6 years old. Being the youngest, she was the last of her family to move the "Land of the Free." The little girl spoke no English nor knew any American customs.

The feeling of distress was pervasive. He walked through the school halls annoyed, lonely, and upset. Every day his peers would attempt to copy his accent, and he would attempt to copy theirs. He spoke English fluently, yet had a thick Jamaican accent. My father moved to New York with his mother and younger sister at 17 years old. Little did he know he would spend the rest of his life in this new country.

As the child of two immigrants, hard work and education were always heavily emphasized. Despite never finishing school and attaining a degree, both of my parents realized that education was a privilege. They understood that receiving the highest education was integral to success. Growing up with these core values has always motivated me to take advantage of the blessings I have received. Although my parents never had these opportunities, my sister and I have done everything we can to repay them. In March, my sister Chinaya will receive her Associate's Degree from the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise, and will soon move to New York to receive her Bachelor's Degree from the Fashion Institute of Technology. In June, I will graduate from high school in the top 10 percent of my class and hope to receive an M.B.A. in Marketing.

My parents arrived in the United States with limited opportunities and a dull future. However, through hard work my parents have built fantastic life for my siblings and I, allowing us all to experience wonderful opportunites.
izay1018   
Oct 23, 2017
Scholarship / CHEVENING LEADERSHIP; I have always disliked mediocrity and have loved excellence in everything I do [5]

Some of the grammar is off, leading to run-on sentences. Also, you talk in the first person too much and don't really set things up well. Instead of saying "to me" write "in my view" or something along those lines. Try to be less direct; at times it feels like you're yelling at the reader and forcing them to digest the piece, rather than allowing the work to flow and grow on the person. Besides that, the content is fine and I hope you receive the scholarship! :)
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