Writing Feedback / Society needs to create opportunities for everyone, thus gender equality should be encouraged. [5]

i think u should not start ur writing with "Actually", u can use "In society" instead.
Your first part really make me confused."there are some jobs that the cardinal workforce is male such as police, directorIn contrast, the rate of female in profession is higher than that one for example : beautician."

wih Beautician,u should make a dependent sentence.

The structure is quite good.u divide in to paragraph with Firsty,secondly.
But i feel that u still translate from Vietnmaese to English.