Writing Feedback / Rambo Verses the Boar; Descriptive Narrative Assignment [8]

This essay is a Descriptive Narrative assignment, any feedback would be helpful... unfocused,structure, thesis,conclusion,too wordy, anything....

Rambo Verses the Boar

A loud bang resonated in the gray cement room. A cloud of white dust cascaded down and came to rest in my hair like a bad case of dandruff. The room fell silent, with everyone's eyes shifted towards me. I removed my big clunky yellow ear muffs slowly. I was still in shock. The black Berretta pistol I had rented at the indoor shooting range had jammed. I tried to pull the top slide open to check the chamber, but the gun went off. The recoil flipped the gun upwards firing straight up like a missile in front of my face, and into the ceiling above. In many situations the use of guns, whether used safely or irresponsibly always have the potential to end a life.

Guns can help provide protection from dangers, but in the process may take a life. As a teenager, my friend and I would watch all the Rambo movies. We wanted to be just like him, running around guns blazing taking out all the bad guys. During this time the bad guys were the wild boars that would sneak up, and steal the fallen mangoes from the trees behind my friend's house. The fear that the wild boars may someday attack us or my friend's dog, led us to buying BB/pellet rifles. That night under the cover of darkness, we remained concealed behind the coffee colored leather couch. We opened the windows, and parted the white curtains slightly, enough to just stick the tip of the long cylindrical gun barrel through .

As we remained silent like Rambo waiting to ambush his enemy, we soon heard the crunching of dried leaves, and the rustling of the bushes. My friends 4 year old black Labrador was restrained by a thick blue nylon leash, she paced back and forth franticly, and started to bark repeatedly. Emerging from the shrubbery was a husky black boar, its coarse fur matted and covered with red dirt. At that moment I whispered to my friend, "3,2,1 FIRE!". Simultaneously we squeezed on the cold steel of the guns trigger. The wild boars beady little eyes widened as it was startled by the loud pop from our rifles. A few seconds later It let out a grunting squeal as it was hit. The wounded boar then retreated quickly into the woodlands never to be seen again. We do not know if the wild boar survived, it could have very well have died from its wounds.

Guns have also been used in crimes, sometimes resulting in lives taken. One such incident was when I worked at a gas station mini mart. One night 6 years ago, I heard what I thought to be fire works popping. Severally seconds later I heard someone stumbling and cursing in pain outside the store. When the door opened, an out of breath dark skinned Filipino teenager entered, gasping for air. I saw on his chest a thick red ketchup stain seeping though his white cotton t-shirt. His long gazing stare and rapid talking was filled with a sense of panic. He told me to call 911 that he had been shot. I didn't react right away, I thought it was fake blood, a prank perhaps, for it was the day after Halloween. As I turned around looking through the thick bullet proof window behind me, I saw silhouettes of people congregating in the dim lit parking lot. I realized something must have happened. I then decided to call 911. Soon as I picked up the phone, the young Filipino boy sprinted back to the parking lot, collapsed on the black asphalt, and crumpled up into a fetal position. I noticed on the pavement from where he stood, a puddle of crimson colored blood that left a trail like volcanic lava forming tiny little islands. The sight of the blood made me shudder, and look away.

I found out later that it was a bad drug deal gone bad. The buyer had no intention of purchasing the 4-ounce bag of marijuana, and snatching it out of the dealers hands. As the drug dealer stood up out of his car, an ensuing tug of war with the ziploc bag of drugs transpired. The buyer finally stepped back lifted his shirt, pulled out a .22 revolver pistol from the waistbands of his shorts, and shot the dealer in the left eye, neck and chest. The drug dealers friend fearing for his life took off running towards my work place. In the process he was shot in the upper chest, back of the right arm and left leg. In the end the drug dealer died, his friend lived, and the shooter ended up in jail for murder.

What should we do to eliminate the needless loss of lives from guns? Would banning guns work? No, it has not worked in Britain, gun crime has actually gone up, there is more knife stabbings, and the law abiding citizens are left defenseless. We need to find non lethal alternatives for defense and protection. We need to realize how dangerous any potential weapon can be, how they are glorified in movies and how they impact our society.

Grammar, Usage / whats the difference between somones and someone's ? [17]

which is the right form?

...someone's mother, someone's father or someone's child.

or ... someones mother, someones father or someones child.

Writing Feedback / The lifestyle we live today is leading us down the path of an evolutionary disaster; choices we made [2]

I kind of want to delete my first paragraph and start my second paragraph as an intro, is that possible or should I leave it the way it is? I want to let the story develop and not give away what its about and have the thesis at the end. I read some essay examples my teacher gave me and wanted to try it that way. any other feed back is welcomed also. oh and can I write oh-beast instead of obese ( a play on sound of the word "obese" and beastly sound from the obese man snoring)

intro

topic 1
a1)morning
b1)afternoon
c1)night

topic 2
a2)morning
b2)afternoon
c2)night

conclusion

Jason Nagata
11/25/2009
Comparison and Contrast

There is always two types of people in the world. The ignorant that accepts the way things are and the ones that are more aware of the world we live in. Former Surgeon General Richard Carmona commented that obesity is a more pressing issue than terrorism, he said "Obesity is a terror within. It's destroying our society from within and unless we do something about it, the magnitude of the dilemma will dwarf 9/11 or any other terrorist event that you can point out...". The Centers for Disease Control estimate that at least 110,000 people die per year due to obesity and 1/3 of all cancer deaths are directly related to it.

When I woke up, I knew that I would see him again, that jiggly man and his jiggly dog. My friends had invited him to a barbecue the night before, where he gorged on steaks, hot dogs, and sodas. One of my friends was losing at a game of poker and in his drunken stupor rubbed the jiggly mans protruding belly for good luck as if he was Buddha, everyone broke out in laughter.

I lived on the same street with this heavy-set pot bellied man. I pretended I didn't see him, because I didn't want to face him after the night my friends embarrassed him. He would walk his dog in the morning down to the Neal Blaisdell Park. He always stopped along the way at Burger King for some cheap foods, consisting of a whopper with cheese, large fries and a large coke. At the park, he ate his meal under the shade of a towering tree while his pudgy little white dog whimpered, begged, and looked up with sad looking eyes and droopy ears. The owner felt powerless to the hypnotic gaze, and felt compelled to share portions of his burger and fries with his companion. After the meal they both took a short nap before making the journey back home.

In the afternoon the plumpish man sometimes walked his chubby little dog to a park next to the Pearl City Fire Station, but out of breath he stopped short in order to rest on the bus stop bench. Panting heavily out of breath also, was the roly-poly dog, sitting between his masters legs. It's funny how people say dogs tend to resemble their owners. In this case it was true.

At night a loud rumbling noise penetrated the walls of my house, the oh-beast man was snoring loudly, at times he woke up gasping for air as if he was drowning, a sign that he had sleep apnea. The people in my house had a hard time sleeping, and wished every night that the approaching darkness would devour him and put an end to this torment. Soon Their wish would come true, for the morbidly overweight man would cease to exist. In the end the obese man and his dog suffered physical and mental anguish because of their unhealthy lifestyle. They both were out of shape. The obese man preferred fast food rather then to cook, believing it would save him more time for other things like watching TV or taking naps. As a consequence the dog became lethargic and shared the same fate as his owner. Like the Obese man I am also a dog lover, and also like to eat, but my life style and food choices differ from his.

In the morning at around 6am I am awoken by my 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier, named Taro. He barks, licks and slaps my face with his furry paws. My dog has trained me to get up or suffer the consequences, which would be to raise his rear leg and urinate on my pillow. I have learned after being golden showered on twice that at the first bark or slap to the head I would right away spring up from my bed, grab my water bottle, and some snacks from the fridge for the both of us. Then Taro and I would walk down the same street as the obese man towards the Neal Blaisdell Park. While at the park we play fetch with a fuzzy yellow tennis ball. We take a break under a shady tree while I munch on my chicken or tuna sandwich; Taro begins to whimper and beg for food so command him to sit nicely and to slap my hand giving me a high-five. As his reward I would toss him a piece of broccoli, lettuce, apple, or a piece of low fat mozzarella cheese, which are his favorite.

In the afternoon my dog and I would play a game, I would make him sit then say, "on your mark get set go!", we both would sprint to a red car parked on the road, walk for a bit then continue our race, sprinting to the next tree, the bus stop bench, and on to the park next to the Pearl City Fire Station. At the park my dog will run around catching the flexible thick rimmed nylon freebie that I toss in the air.

At night I prepare some of my meals ahead of time by boiling several eggs at one time, cooking a whole bag of chicken breast and storing them in the fridge or freezer to microwave later. I also prepare some containers of healthy snacks, and fill four 24 oz stainless steel bottles with water, so I can just grab and go, which saves me a lot of time. during the day I buy most of my food at the farmers market, in bulk or whole sale which is much cheaper. I am in better shape then the obese man was, and when I go to bed I sleep soundly without snoring.

The lifestyle we live today is leading us down the path of an evolutionary disaster, by 2018 42.8% of Americans will become obese. I have come to realize that it's all about the choices we make in life. As it stands now, pharmaceutical companies, diet fad companies, and fast food establishments profit from obesity; some people will ultimately die; some people will make the choice to bring about change, and in doing so influence the government and companies to advocate prevention, and produce healthier products for our future generations. Occasionally I still see the obese man; he stares, but doesn't recognize me, for the obese man and I were one and the same; he was a reflection of myself two and a half years ago.