fionashoelace
Dec 27, 2018
Undergraduate / "Grandpa's cuisine" - without cooking, I would be incomplete. Common app essay [4]
You really, really need to expand the second and third essay. What did your grandpa felt? Did he go to the hospital? Did he say anything to you?
For the forth paragraph, name something that you made and the challenges you encountered.
The second paragraph, the transition is weird. Expand between every passing day and as diabetes affected. Even expand it more so you can make as diabetes affected my ... just an obligation. a complete sentence and a conclusion sentence
So there's no interactions with the people you mentioned in your essay; you only wrote about going to dinner when you're being called. Write something about if you watched your grandpa cook or cooked with him.
Overall, I think the word count is very short. (And the topic/style of this essay--I've read it somewhere on the internet...something about grandma's kimchi) The essays are really similar so please fix it. And it didn't tell the officers who you are, there's only one paragraph (4) talking about you taking on the goal. It didn't say anything about what led you to take the goal and your personality. The majority of the essay is focused on your grandpa instead of you.
Other than that, Polish it, show more/not tell, add more emotional and personal details and you'll be fine.
Good luck, you still have time, I'd suggest drawing down some notes and writing whatever comes to your mind so you can use them as segments to group them together.
You really, really need to expand the second and third essay. What did your grandpa felt? Did he go to the hospital? Did he say anything to you?
For the forth paragraph, name something that you made and the challenges you encountered.
The second paragraph, the transition is weird. Expand between every passing day and as diabetes affected. Even expand it more so you can make as diabetes affected my ... just an obligation. a complete sentence and a conclusion sentence
So there's no interactions with the people you mentioned in your essay; you only wrote about going to dinner when you're being called. Write something about if you watched your grandpa cook or cooked with him.
Overall, I think the word count is very short. (And the topic/style of this essay--I've read it somewhere on the internet...something about grandma's kimchi) The essays are really similar so please fix it. And it didn't tell the officers who you are, there's only one paragraph (4) talking about you taking on the goal. It didn't say anything about what led you to take the goal and your personality. The majority of the essay is focused on your grandpa instead of you.
Other than that, Polish it, show more/not tell, add more emotional and personal details and you'll be fine.
Good luck, you still have time, I'd suggest drawing down some notes and writing whatever comes to your mind so you can use them as segments to group them together.