ashleyhenn
Sep 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / IBT essay - Study for free at the university [6]
i really believe you are straight forward and to the point
i really believe you are straight forward and to the point
ashleyhenn
Sep 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / 'How I adapted to fit in' - Meaningful experience [10]
I really enjoyed your style of writing. It was slightly informal but made me believe you were a wholesome and well rounded person.
I really enjoyed your style of writing. It was slightly informal but made me believe you were a wholesome and well rounded person.
ashleyhenn
Sep 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'My boss's head to explode' - Dairy Queen UF essay [5]
I just wrote my undergraduate application essay for UF but I think I tried to hard to make it a story and not enough about making me look good. I hate feeling conceited though. Anyway, here you go:
Question:
Write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
The phone rings and another excuse as to why I should take their shift is waiting for me on the receiving end. I confirm that I will help them out and slip on my flamboyantly red Dairy Queen shirt. A quick ride on my skateboard later, I am at the wonderfully sugary mess of a fast food restaurant, wondering what kind of drama the night beholds. The sun soon sets and progresses into a fast-paced, hectic rush of costumers, which sends the boss into an overwhelming anxiety attack. Our laid back responsibilities then spiral into an anxious assembly line-like trance that lasts as long as the drive through line stays full.
As my fellow co-workers and I make blizzards as fast as the whirling machines will allow, I start to wonder what I could be doing with my time that would benefit me more than working a mediocre job, making minimum wage. The thought swirls through my head and crumbles almost as quick as the Oreos that receive no mercy. The night proceeds as usual, until a rather rotund fellow bellows, "I NEED it!" to his friend as they approach my window. Those three simple words stick in my head more than the hot fudge does to my shirt. "Can I get a large Butterfinger Blizzard please?" The "cha-ching" of the cash register signals my next task. As I hurry back to the uniformly lined machines to prepare the extremely caloric treat, it occurs to me. He was serious.
In that moment, I started to recall the focus of my AP Psychology lecture earlier that day, which was the concept of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow's theory made physiological needs such as food, water, oxygen, and sleep the base of the pyramid and the primary goals in life. The safety of health, property, and resources, is what followed, along with the love of others, self-esteem, confidence, and finally self-actualization. Many believe that an individual can't be truly satisfied with their life without reaching their self-actualization.
Snapping back to reality, I now realize I have managed to acquire an angry boss circling the unfinished Blizzard and I like a shark, along with an angrily waiting costumer. Rushing to finish my creation, I splatter ice cream across the counter, serve it to the now salivating man, and proceed to get scolded by my infuriated, anxiety-plagued boss. In the midst of the lecture, I start to fade into another daydream:
I consult with myself on this issue of self-esteem and self-actualization. An immediate conclusion arises in my mind; I need to supersede my high school education. I must admit that working at a fast food restaurant is not going to help me achieve esteem in the slightest. The desire to achieve something great and to become something of worth is so immense that I am ready to take on the challenge in becoming a neurologist. I believe that the University of Florida will be just the aid I need to help in my journey accomplish just that because of the fast-paced environment that I am so accustomed to. Any doubt in my mind quickly gets soothed with the reassurance that achieving my goal to become a neurologist would not only be beneficial to those in need throughout my community, but I would better understand those around me.
By this time, the vein in my boss's head is about to burst. I am unaffected, however, with the thought of a brighter future. I left that night, the red shirt over my shoulder. Walking into my driveway the final daydream of the night proceeded with the fantasy of the day that I could step onto the University of Florida's campus and proudly call myself a student.
I just wrote my undergraduate application essay for UF but I think I tried to hard to make it a story and not enough about making me look good. I hate feeling conceited though. Anyway, here you go:
Question:
Write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
The phone rings and another excuse as to why I should take their shift is waiting for me on the receiving end. I confirm that I will help them out and slip on my flamboyantly red Dairy Queen shirt. A quick ride on my skateboard later, I am at the wonderfully sugary mess of a fast food restaurant, wondering what kind of drama the night beholds. The sun soon sets and progresses into a fast-paced, hectic rush of costumers, which sends the boss into an overwhelming anxiety attack. Our laid back responsibilities then spiral into an anxious assembly line-like trance that lasts as long as the drive through line stays full.
As my fellow co-workers and I make blizzards as fast as the whirling machines will allow, I start to wonder what I could be doing with my time that would benefit me more than working a mediocre job, making minimum wage. The thought swirls through my head and crumbles almost as quick as the Oreos that receive no mercy. The night proceeds as usual, until a rather rotund fellow bellows, "I NEED it!" to his friend as they approach my window. Those three simple words stick in my head more than the hot fudge does to my shirt. "Can I get a large Butterfinger Blizzard please?" The "cha-ching" of the cash register signals my next task. As I hurry back to the uniformly lined machines to prepare the extremely caloric treat, it occurs to me. He was serious.
In that moment, I started to recall the focus of my AP Psychology lecture earlier that day, which was the concept of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow's theory made physiological needs such as food, water, oxygen, and sleep the base of the pyramid and the primary goals in life. The safety of health, property, and resources, is what followed, along with the love of others, self-esteem, confidence, and finally self-actualization. Many believe that an individual can't be truly satisfied with their life without reaching their self-actualization.
Snapping back to reality, I now realize I have managed to acquire an angry boss circling the unfinished Blizzard and I like a shark, along with an angrily waiting costumer. Rushing to finish my creation, I splatter ice cream across the counter, serve it to the now salivating man, and proceed to get scolded by my infuriated, anxiety-plagued boss. In the midst of the lecture, I start to fade into another daydream:
I consult with myself on this issue of self-esteem and self-actualization. An immediate conclusion arises in my mind; I need to supersede my high school education. I must admit that working at a fast food restaurant is not going to help me achieve esteem in the slightest. The desire to achieve something great and to become something of worth is so immense that I am ready to take on the challenge in becoming a neurologist. I believe that the University of Florida will be just the aid I need to help in my journey accomplish just that because of the fast-paced environment that I am so accustomed to. Any doubt in my mind quickly gets soothed with the reassurance that achieving my goal to become a neurologist would not only be beneficial to those in need throughout my community, but I would better understand those around me.
By this time, the vein in my boss's head is about to burst. I am unaffected, however, with the thought of a brighter future. I left that night, the red shirt over my shoulder. Walking into my driveway the final daydream of the night proceeded with the fantasy of the day that I could step onto the University of Florida's campus and proudly call myself a student.
ashleyhenn
Sep 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'My boss's head to explode' - Dairy Queen UF essay [5]
I referenced psychology because its the study of the human mind...and I figured neurology is the study of the brain and its functions...so i thought it correlated a little bit..
anyhow, THANKS SOOOOOOOOOO much for your advice.
I will be using your opinions to rewrite it. THANK YOU!!!!!!
I referenced psychology because its the study of the human mind...and I figured neurology is the study of the brain and its functions...so i thought it correlated a little bit..
anyhow, THANKS SOOOOOOOOOO much for your advice.
I will be using your opinions to rewrite it. THANK YOU!!!!!!