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Posts by jennyness
Joined: Sep 30, 2009
Last Post: Dec 31, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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jennyness   
Sep 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mommy, why does she look so funny?" [7]

I've edited this a few times through, but some of the sentences are still overly long, so what would you think would be the best way to edit them down? Or should I keep them long since that's just the way I write?

I tried to keep the tenses all the same, but it'd help if somebody double-checked for me. And of course, there is grammar, so I must ask, is everything grammatically correct?

I really enjoyed writing this piece, but the conclusion seems a little weak to me, and ss the interruption in the story a little awkward?

I might seem a bit paranoid about this... =/
So yeah, dissect and gut this essay to your utmost enjoyment.

Common app - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
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"Mommy, why does she look so funny?" The little boy asks innocently, pointing a small chubby finger at the person next to me. His mother laughs nervously, embarrassed by her son's bluntness, and hushes him, hinting to the boy that they should move on to another exhibit, but the child stubbornly refuses, as he gazes up at the lady in the wheelchair with curiosity. I am similarly embarrassed, uncomfortable by this subject I always carefully step around; the conversation I had with her dwindles into silence. The rat on my arm becomes an excuse to look away.

The lady looks unfazed, makes eye contact with the boy, and smiles. The child's comment is one that is heard often here in the life science lab at OMSI when she is around, and each time, the women in the wheelchair gives the same sincere smile and the same patient response, "I may look funny, but I am the same as you." She spins her giant wheelchair to face the little boy. "Look. I have ten fingers and ten toes. Just like you. I can talk and listen. Just like you. The only things that are missing are my arms and legs. I'm not that different. I can do all the same things you can."

This is the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, an unorthodox museum filled to its front doors with games, puzzles, and amusing attractions designed to allow visitors to learn while having fun. Upstairs, at the end of the life science hall is the life science lab. The room is filled with exotic animals: giant hissing cockroaches, Australian walking sticks, and axolotls among other equally odd creatures. This is where I volunteer, in the midst of all these wonderful animals.

The boy leaves, and she returns talking to me, asking to pet the rat again. I happily oblige, moving so that the rat is positioned directly under her fingers. Her hand, attached directly to her body, moves a little, making a small stroking movement. I struggle to keep Mimi, the hairless rat on my sleeve, to stay still so that the lady may keep petting it. She begins to chatter on and on, first cooing over Mimi, and then rambling about other trivial matters. She talks of Facebook and Twitter and relates anecdotes of silly friends. Like any other person the world does. I have come to see that she is no different.

This lady is more outgoing and welcoming than I; she comes up to me at the beginning of every shift with a cheery hello and how are you. Although she has faced so many more hardships than I could every imagine just because of the way she looks, she is just as happy and talkative as my most loquacious acquaintance. She is so resilient, so lively despite even though she has encountered so many disgusted stares, averted looks, and insults that I cannot help but admire her. I have only met her four or five times, but because of her, my mind is more open to the people around me. I don't cloud my mind with stereotypes when I see somebody with a different skin color. I don't think that people with disorders or disabilities are stupid. Instead, I smile at them, watching their faces grin back or brighten. I wait to talk to them to develop my impressions of them, and often, these people who look just a bit different are some of the most humorous and enthusiastic people I have ever met.

Thank you!!!
jennyness   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mommy, why does she look so funny?" [7]

Thank you~ :)
The reflection is in a different tense because I am thinking about what I learned from that person. At least, that's why I put in in past. Should it be in present?

A mistake my sister found when she read through it. I don't know how I didn't see it --
"so lively despite even though she has encountered..."

Anybody else want to critique my essay?
jennyness   
Oct 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mommy, why does she look so funny?" [7]

Thank you. C:

I tried to hint at her disabilities, but I guess I should probably talk about them a little more. I didn't just want to bluntly say her disabilities; I wanted to incorporate them into the story.

This is an essay on a significant person, so I talked about her and how it influenced me in the reflection at the end. Is that not enough?

Any other critiques?
jennyness   
Oct 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke supplement----Why Duke engineering?----Seeking feedback [6]

I tossed and turned, but I couldn't drift off. It was all because of my uncle's thunderous snoring . Occasionally, I discovered that some biomedical engineering researchers had been working on the solution to snoring .

You cannot occasionally discover something. You discover it once and then come back to it. Other than that, it is an interesting way to lead into your essay.

Also, snoring may be a symptom of something, but there are no symptoms of snoring.

Since it can combines the design and problem solving skills of engineering with medical and biological sciences, I am sure that it will not only help me find a way to eliminate my uncle's snoring , but more importantly , bring about changes to the medical community.

What do you mean by the design of engineering?

The lines and structures of the "Build your own DUKE" icon on the website evoked a sudden impulse inside me.

Again, what do you mean by the icon evoking a sudden impulse in you? Did it create a love or interest in Duke or what?

Since my father is a researcher in science, I became quite familiar with most=#ff0000of the lab equipments after I had observed and completed many experiments in his lab.

The change from being in love with Duke to your merits is quite sudden. Use a transition or two to ease into your next point. The essay then again jumps to museums. Add another transition before this.

The last paragraph is very random. It doesn't address the question (I'm assuming the prompt is why engineering) at all. It's just a conglomeration of why you want to go to Duke, not why you are interested in the engineering program. I would eliminate that entire paragraph and spend more time talking about your passion for engineering or something along those lines.

However, if the prompt is why Duke, then the last paragraph is okay. Although it throws the reader off because of the rather abrupt change in topic.
jennyness   
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "I want to succeed for all those women" - my personal statement... [6]

You have a good idea for your essay, you just need to elaborate on it.
Instead of just saying, "my grandmother believes men and women are not equal", demonstrate it with a story. Show a little more of the struggle you had between the inequality you have faced, then you will have a good essay.
jennyness   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Many things to do' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality: Research [3]

My main question is if my response works for the prompt. It'd also be nice if you'd edit for grammar and stuff. Tear it apart. Thanks!

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Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

Staining nerves for peripherin wasn't the way I imagine spending my senior year summer, but doing research at the Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU) opened my eyes to scientific research and presented an opportunity that I am thankful for.

Everyday brought something new. Most of the time, I was staining and quantifying results of my experiment. I wanted to find out whether putting cells into different solutions of other cells, proteins, and various other important molecules, if it would encourage the expression of different types of nerves. To do this, I stained for peripherin, a neurofilament that marked a certain type of nerve.

During the times between staining, there were many things to do. Sometimes I sat for hours, wrestling to understand a research paper, the glossary of a textbook or a computer in front of me. Other times I helped other graduate students with their research; after all the staining I have done, the lab nicknamed me the peripherin queen. Less often but some of the most exciting times of interning, I am able to watch my mentor at her work, extracting dorsal root ganglia from mice or creating mouse models of atopic dermatitis.

There are many times when I feel stupid at the lab. When the professors and students use vocabulary that I don't understand, I become confused. Determined to find the answers to my questions, I reread my biology textbook to refresh my memory, look up words online, and ask my mentor if nothing else works. Every time I understand what they are saying, I get excited. I know that my learning has paid off.

During my days at OHSU, my interest in biology grew and grew. However, what I have learned is only a little part of biology. My journey is not done; it has only begun. There is still so much more to learn.
jennyness   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Many things to do' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality: Research [3]

Yeah, I didn't think it answered the prompt either. It was an old recycled essay.

Anyways, please tell me if these two essays work and which version is better.
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More than 99.9% of human DNA is the same in all humans. The remaining .1 percent heavily influences the ways in which humans respond to disease, drugs and the environment. More importantly, this tiny percentage codes for physical appearance. Just .1 percent of DNA makes me look different from President Obama or Bill Gates. Such a small percentage give rise to discrimination, stereotypes, and hate crimes around the world.

Physical appearance has dictated the worth of a person for centuries. Anybody who was not white was labeled inferior by the Europeans. African Americans were made into slaves because their skin tone was black. Asians worked the railroads because their skin tone was yellow. Indians were rampaged and taken from their homes becuase their skin tone was brown. Even now, society idolizes appearances. Girls need to get thinner; guys buffer. Just look at the hype around thin models and hot celebrities.

Why let such a little percentage rule our lives? This tiny amount has caused so much conflict and strife in the world. The value of a person should not be dictated by the .1 percent that is different[them]. Instead, it should be based on the inside, where everyone is (on average) 99/9% the same.

Those ages have passed. Our environment has drastically changed. No longer do we worry about being killed by others. Judging by appearance only brings negative consequences; we misread people when we skim the surface instead of delving deep down. Having a mere .1 percent rule our lives seems silly.

------ OR ------

More than 99.9% of human DNA is the same in all humans. The remaining .1 percent heavily influences the ways in which humans respond to the environment, disease, and drugs disease, drugs, and the environment. More importantly, this tiny percentage codes for physical appearance. Just .1 percent of DNA makes me look different from President Obama or Bill Gates. Such a small percentage give rise to discrimination, stereotypes, and a large portion of hate crimes.

Physical appearance has dictated the worth of a person for centuries. Slavery was based on the color of a person's skin. Anybody who was not white was labeled inferior by the Europeans. Although African Americans gained freedom in 1860 after the Civil War, it wasn't until the Civil Rights movement in the 1900s that blacks gained some semblance of equality. Even now, society idolizes appearances. Girls need to get thinner; guys buffer. Just look at all those thin models and hot celebrities.

Why let such a little percentage rule our lives? However, through an evolutionary standpoint, judging by appearance makes sense. Our ancestors needed to make split-second decisions in a world governed by "kill or be killed." Those that could quickly come to a conclusion about whether or not to bash in the new person's head lived longer.

Those ages have passed. Our environment has drastically changed. No longer do we worry about being killed by others. Judging by appearance only brings negative consequences. We misread people when we skim the surface instead of delving deep down. Having a mere .1 percent rule our lives seems silly.
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