Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Many of my accomplishments have come from me wanting to succeed in life. I live in the planet earth, in an environment where we are able to think and speak for ourselves but at times I think I live in a different planet where woman are not successful, and they have not had a woman revolution. As a child I have been told that woman are here to serve to their spouse, to keep the house clean and take care of children. Certainly I never understood why woman had to do that I would ask myself "why?" As the older I got, I understood why I was told that, my grandma is an ]older woman, who does not yet understand the meaning of equal rights, she does not think that men and woman are capable of doing the same things, that we are created equally and that men do not deserve to be preferred over woman. Obviously, I have learned something deeply from my grandma that I want to be successful for many reasons, I want to succeed for all those woman who are told they cant what they want to do. For the woman who's dreams are crushed and are not able to get back up because someone does not allow them to do it. And for one woman who has helped me get through this journey, for my mother, so we both can have great futures. Being successful can have different meanings to many people, to me it means to overcome goals that I am afraid of, something that I can pursue a challenge. Well, my greatest goal of all is going to college. In my eyes, college is an opportunity were I have expanded my ideas and goals, a place where I have applied my theories and I have received knowledge from being able to think on my own.
I live on planet earth, an environment where we are able to think and speak for ourselves, but at times I think I live on a different planet where wome n are not successful, and they have not had a revolution.
Being successful can have different meanings to many people, but to me it means to overcome goals that I am afraid of, a challenge i can pursue in. Well, my greatest goal of all is going to college. In my eyes, college is an opportunity were I can expanded my ideas and goals, a place where I canapply my theories and I will received knowledge from being able to think on my own.
Your essay is a little bit common. For example, your conclusion you mention your goal is to go to college. Isn't that everyone's goal? Think of a more unique topic.
Your essay does not sound bad but you do have a few mistakes.
First change woman to women in all your sentences.
When you say, "certainly I never understood why woman had to do that I would ask myself "why?"- Change it to I always asked myself "why" women had to do all the house work and take care of the kids or you can just leave out I would ask myself "why?"
when you say, as the older I got- change to as I got older and wiser
Clear thesis, good flow.
However you might want to be more one-of-a-kind.
Another note, you should use more sophisticated vocabularies. Use a thesaurus.
You have a good idea for your essay, you just need to elaborate on it.
Instead of just saying, "my grandmother believes men and women are not equal", demonstrate it with a story. Show a little more of the struggle you had between the inequality you have faced, then you will have a good essay.
I'm surprised that no one has pointed this out yet, but your essay doesn't quite fit the prompt. The prompt is asking you to write about a "personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you" - none of wich you clearly mention, except maybe your drive for success as a personal quality, which really isn't a "quality" to begin with. You focus more on your background, and how that shapes your aspirations. You could still use parts of this essay, maybe by focusing on a quality such as "motivation" or "passion." Or, you could make it clear that the experience is the important part, and provide an anecdote about a conversation with your grandmother (the experience) and elaborate on how it relates to you.
For the womenwho'swhose dreams are crushed and for those who are not able to get back up because someone doesothers do not allow themto do it . Dependent clause in the middle of a paragraph.
In my eyes, college is an opportunity where I can expand my ideas and goals, ...
couple other fixes needed. hope you can edit and re-post. then I can try editing.
As mmmargarita said, focus more on the prompt, you need to focus either on your "drive for success" as your the quality, which can, I think, be a quality... just that you need to show how it makes you proud and relate to who you are. Difficult approach...
maybe try to show that your drive for success describes who you are..that it makes you proud, but you need to focus more on one of the choices they present to answer the prompt.
Good luck with your app!
