Undergraduate / Becoming my own person: common app essay option 1 [5]

I don't think that this essay says good things about you. i think you could write something that is much more compelling and shares better qualities about yourself.

It just sounds shallow and ridiculous.

Really----you would have jumped off a bridge? That is incredibly clichéd. The fact that your friend studying for another class affected you that much, and then a teacher's look changed your whole life.... well...it just sounds weak. Not consequential enough.

Over simplified. Shallow.

You decided you and your friends were growing apart because one of your friends didn't raise her hand in spanish class???

You had a friend insisting you drop classes you liked? Why would you hang out with this person? This does not make you look good.

In my opinion, scrap it...start over.

Undergraduate / 'I want the whole thing' - Stanford a good place for you. [2]

I feel like mostly this essay is not about stanford, or what they are looking for. YOu focus mostly on your desire to live an "american teen life of independence" (rough quote there, sorry). That to me doesn't specify standford. Focus on the specific strengths that you have gained from living in different countries, how you could bring this to stanford...and how stanford can also help you reach your other goals because it is a good fit for you---

Based on this essay, it seems like you just want to come to college to fulfill a fantasy dream of yours about what it means to be an american teenager. Oversimplified. Not enough depth. Doesn't say much about you.

Seriously---millions of people apply to stanford??? I doubt this. Don't say a million if there aren't a million applying. This is a bad use of exaggeration. It just makes you lose credibility.

"Exhausted, I sit on my chair and brainstorm." ---this is not a strong opening. The admissions committee does not need to know how you felt on October 23rd at 7PM...it doesn't tell them anything about you. Telling them about your process doesn't make you special. Writing a kick-ass essay that blows them away does.

The issue isn't necessarily that Stanford is a BAD place for others...just that it would be a great place for you---and that you would add something to that environment. (Mutually beneficial etc.)

"not state to state, but country to country" ----redundant. Saying "not state to state" does nothing for you here.

Try to say what you want to say succinctly.

You think that Stanford will be good for you because he wasn't able to be the individual he wanted to at another school. What does this even mean?? That this means that somehow since he had that experience you will too?

Not strong enough.

You have some strong key strengths----your experience abroad...your exposure to other cultures... etc. etc.

You are desiring a close knit environment, a community that Stanford has---and you think it will help you fulfill your life-long goals. I think you are on to something...just work on it some more!

Undergraduate / Comm App Short Activity Essay- "Endure the Storm" [5]

I really like where it seems you are trying to go with it.

I think you need to tone down the descriptions just a bit. The writing seems too forced.

I think that the "I may not be able to link this quote to its original orator" bit is weak. Have you googled the quote? If it is an "anonymous" quote...then talk about that instead. If you know who it is..you can talk about "while not much is known about ___'s life...I suspect..."

The idea behind that beginning is smart.

I feel like

"In no other sport do competitors willfully subject themselves to the fatigue, anxiety, and pain associated with a three-mile race."

is a bit extreme. Lots of sports require people running constantly for 1.5 hour games. Three miles just doesn't sound like that long for the intensity of that language. (Yes, I have run cross country before. Yes, I know it is hard, fast, and you can be injured.) But, I have also ran marathons, played on soccer teams that required non-stop sprinting for an hour in games etc. I just think your description is too extreme (maybe because of all the other excessive language in the essay). It just makes you lose credibility a bit.

"Whirlwind of storm"---- you lose me here. The over attempted poetry of this is just too much. It doesn't add.

I think you would benefit from dropping the extensive metaphor that you draw out from the first quote. Use it as an intro---it is good. Talk about the guy and how he must have been a cross country runner---also strong, clever etc.

But, drop it from there. Talk more about you. Stop the metaphor--it just gets cheesy, redundant, and dramatic.

Good start.

If it reads like you used a thesaurus for every other word---no good. Relax a bit with your words!

Undergraduate / 'Promotion of higher thinking' - stanford a good place for you - edit [10]

I like how you start this essay with the motto and saying how it embodies your outlook.

I am a bit hesitant to endorse your use of "whitewashed suburbia" in this essay. While I would agree with you in person if we were talking about getting out of a "whitewashed suburbia"... the condescending tone that this could capture might reflect poorly on you.

"Ambitious disposition" too wordy. A lot of the essay is too wordy. It feels like you are trying WAYYY to hard to prove that you are smart.

"fetters of normalcy that encompass my community"--- too condescending about your community. Makes you sound naive to discredit an entire community/make them boring/whitewashed/drab in one swoop. Just reflects immaturity.

It is great that you want to pursue a path that will allow you to make a difference. The "reigns of life" metaphor is cheesy. You could do without it.

And that sentence is a run on... "and be surrounded by peers" feels tacked on, and makes for awkward reading.

I gotta run so I can't finish with all of this. But, good luck!