Undergraduate / MIT where you come from (suburbia) and what you do for fun (freediving) [3]

just some quick edits and suggestions.

Hundreds of determined souls hopinghope to become the next entrepreneurs, doctors, and lawyers for fame, money, and power.

That's what we strive for in Southern California.,and I ripped myself to pieces because of it. Yet I don't see much point in competing when it is only to win. But I think everywhere we have lost sight of what the true purpose of competition and progress are.

^that's a pretty big generalization. maybe you can replace "southern ca" with your school.
also, i think that these sentences are a bit choppy. what you say also may confuse or shed negative light on you because you played a part in the competition (near to the point of "ripping [yourself] to pieces"), yet you didn't understand the point in doing so. and then you kind of turn back around and say oh, but this happens everywhere. personally, i'm not following.

My world has shaped me to believe that we can solve our problems by putting our individual thought to use byand joining the human race for knowledge and ideas; the race that will ultimately decide the fate of the future.

^to be frank, i'm actually not fully understanding this sentence.

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Nothing compares to the feeling of taking flight underwater with nothing but the support of your own body.

^repetitive, slight awk.

It is only at the parting of the mind and the sensory where there is only peace

hope these helped a bit.
good luck :)

Undergraduate / MIT essay about my biggest challenge [4]

"You will not be allowed to resume until all your fees are paid and that's final. There is nothing I can do about that. Now leave my office".."

^punctuation goes inside quotations usually.

For me, that marked the beginning orof one of the darkest periods of my life.

It was my first day back at school for my 11th grade, and I was very enthusiastic about returning to school . However, to my utter dismay, onupon arrival at the school , I was denied entry. I knew my fees had not been paid, but I never anticipated the drastic measure taken by the school to enforce its policy. As I reluctantly trudged back to the car, I tried to prepare myself mentally for what I imagined would be a bleak next few weeks for me.

When iI got back home, my first reaction was to try to blame someone, but I had a rethinkrethought and decided it would be futile. Armed with copies of the schemes or work (what?) and my textbooks, I tried my best to study the topics currently being taught in school. When I returned to school three weeks later, I had to parry a lot of questions from concerned teachers and friends as I did not want to reveal the reason for my absence. Eventually, I was able to settle in, catch up with my mates, and I ended up coming first in my class at the end of the term.

it seems very wordy at points. some of the sentence structures are, at times, hard to comprehend. also, it's never a bad idea to read over your work!! you had some simply typos in there that could have easily been detected upon a quick glance over what you wrote. also, this essay seems kind of flat to me. bring it life with details, add a bit more you into the prompt, really try to let the reader know how disappointed, how challenging this experience was for you!

good luck!

Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

i am not sure if writing a poem is a good idea for college apps. i read somewhere that it is highly frowned upon. i know uchic is a "quirky" school looking for unique writers and unique essays, but i'm not sure a poem would work, especially for a "why uchic" essay, though it could work for their supplementary essays (the one with 5 choices). also, i don't know if it's different for transfers, but the "why uchic" essay is limited to 1-2 paragraphs last time i checked.

Undergraduate / "Very good job you bloody goat!" - Georgetown Essay [3]

an elegant but simple roof sat on walls with wood facades. A ll my skills acquired from the 4 years in this class were being tested. Can'tI couldn't wait to see the completed work.

huh, i am also very curious to know why your teacher calls you a "bloody goat."

Undergraduate / Question about Tufts Supplement: Self-identity and personal expression [3]

Awesome, thanks for the quick answer, xit9zangel.