Posts by mpassal

mpassal

Oct 13, 2009

Undergraduate / "to get a good education" - University of Florida: Amission Essay [4]

I know that UF is a great school me being an alumn and all.

I don't know how you are going to take my critique. This is my opinion and take it as you will. It is your essay.

the topic reads
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school. " 500 words

However, your essay does not reflect this. You talk about things being difficult for you and having to work hard. Don't tell me that SHOW me!! The instructions ask for a meaningful experience. Honestly, there is nothing meaningful or exceptional about this. Make the reader CARE. Why do you want to go to Medical School? Did something special happen or did you just wake up one day and decided that it would be cool. Think about it.

Structurally the essay is weak. Using my and I in every sentence is annoying and shows lack of originality. Please do not start paragraphs with I or my. Grab the reader in the first sentence, not towards the end of the first paragraph. The essay is also written in passive voice, please consider using active voice. I hope this is a very rough draft because it is also a tad on the short side.

I hope this helps and good luck....

mpassal

Oct 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Non sibi sed partiae - background / interest [5]

Hi... I hope I can help.

I would structure the essay different. Think about beginning with the program you are applying to and the university, why it is that you want to go there? What would you like to do in the future? Then speak about your experiences abroad and flesh out your love of International affairs. Also, think about how this program will help you reach your goals.

The essay is very short, do not be afraid of writing too much. You can always trim it back.

My passion has always been International Affairs..

This is a good start but it needs a lot more... Based on this I do not understand the relationship between IA and IB and working for customs.

You have a lot to think about.

:)

mpassal

Oct 13, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Doing something meaningful in life' - Peace Corp Essay [2]

Hey all, would love you opinion on my essay for the Peace Corps... Please feel free to correct grammar or spelling. Your advice is most welcome.

The question is...
# Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
# How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.

When I was a little girl my grandfather used to tell me stories about himself as a little boy. He was born in 1905 in a little town on the southern part of Puerto Rico, the youngest of 9 children. He had already lived a long and fulfilling life by the time he began telling me his stories. He had been a Doctor, a poet, and a scholar yet he never forgot where he came from. He instilled in me a sense of pride and patriotism combined with a desire to help people because it was the right thing to do. He went to medical school both in the US and in Mexico and upon his return to the island proceeded to help impoverished communities with basic care in his spare time. Growing up I was always amazed with how many random people would come up to him form the street to talk to him or simply say thank you for something he had done for them or someone in their family. He used to tell me how important it was to leave your mark on the world, not by being famous or winning the Nobel Prize but by sharing with others life experiences and in turn enriching yours. This is one of the goals in my life, to grow as an individual, to keep an open mind as I immerse myself in a new culture and to share my experiences with people around me.

What does this little anecdote have with joining the Peace Corps? The reality is that I have grown up with these values and desires to help communities but I had not found a way to utilize it. I had always thought that I wanted to become a police officer or an FBI agent and I was ready to apply and become a new cadet. I was in my first semester of graduate school when my life's goal made a dramatic 180-degree turn. It was during a police ride a long that the Philadelphia Police Department intercepted a distress call from a neighboring county in New Jersey, Cherry Hill. I was very excited that I might get to see something different like a drug bust or somebody being arrested. Instead, what I saw was one of the most horrific cases of human trafficking. Dozens of women and young girls being pulled out of a house the size of a mansion in filthy clothing speaking dozens of different languages, social services and the police scrambling and trying to figure out what to do. It was very intense. After this I decided to focus my degree on crime, transnational issues, and victimization. One of the reasons that I want to join the Peace Corps is because I want to work on empowering women and young girls so that they can fulfill their expectations be it through reproductive health, education, community development, or microfinance.

As someone who has just finished her graduate education and have worked in different fields, I want to give something back to the international community. I want to explore and get to know different people from other cultures. I want to embark on this new era of my life by doing something meaningful not based on its financial reward but on its significance. I would be honored to call myself a Peace Corp volunteer.