Writing Feedback / IETLS: Violence on TV and in games impact negatively on people's manners (Opinion essay) [4]

Hello,
You may differ my opinion, but it seems that both your supporting paragraphs tend to lack strong support. The essay does mention that the depicted violence can basically have psychological influence on the viewers, but there is little essence in just stating that. In other words, it states "These can happen." but not "Why and how these can happen". Reasons are not always necessarily required, but they are generally important in making an essay more persuasive and compelling. For instance, real life examples and humans' temperamental response to violence can be added.

Graduate / Psychologists online - FUTURE PLAN - KGSP GRADUATE PROGRAM [4]

@miss123
The plan conveys a clear direction of your career, but there is more you can elaborate. In addition to establishing a website and a clinic, you can come up with some ambitious plan, which clearly indicates your potential contribution to your country. That is not to say that your plan cannot benefit the society or is unambitious, but to suggest pointing, more obviously and directly, the benefits of your plan to your country as a whole. Also, you can explicitly add how GKS can help you accomplish your future plans and if relevant, you can research about what effort South Korea are putting into the field of psychology, and how they are related to your plans.