Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: The graph shows information regarding the birth and death rates in New Zealand [3]

I'm preparing for IELTS and need help with my writing, any advice is appreciated. Thank you

Prompt:
The graph below gives information about changes in the birth and death rates
in New Zealand between 1901 and 2101.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My essay:

The graph shows information regarding the birth and death rates in New Zealand from 1901 to present and gives prediction up until 2101.

Overall, according to the statistics, the birth rate peaked once around 1961 and would start to decrease overtime. On the contrary, death rate was anticipated to be on an increasing trend and only by 2061 would it stop rising.

The number of births, prior to 1941, were mostly under 40,000. In the next 20 years however, the birth rate exploded and peaked at around 65,000 newborns recorded in 1961. After that, the birth rate, as documented, though with little fluctuation, started to decrease and was predicted to remain on the declining trend until 2101.

As of the death rate, it was approximately 10,000 people in 1901 and steadily climbed to around 35,000 people in 2021. The rate is expected to keep increasing and will only stop in the year 2061, at around 60,000 people, and begin to even out.

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  the graph
  

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: University or college is the best route to a successful career [3]

The prompt:

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.

Discuss both views and give your opinion

My essay:

As there have been more and more ways to achieve a well-paid job, debates about whether university and college education is necessary or not have sparked over the years. Some believe it is the best route to success, whereas others argue that getting a job immediately after school would be ideal. Personally, I agree that having a high education background would be the easiest path to high-end careers.

Admittedly, there are multiple individuals who dropped out from colleges or universities, and became well-known for their achievements, Bill Gates as an example. Moreover, some may inherit businesses from their parents, thus, do not need to pursue higher education. As such, it leads people to falsely believe that universities are unnecessary to achieve success. Whilst that may be true for some selected few, in my opinion, the majority will not be as lucky, or as talented as they would believe themselves to be. Some studies were done in Vietnam regarding this matter. Up to 70% of startups by dropout students fail after two to three years. The reason was mainly the lack of skills, knowledge, and the understanding of the laws, which are otherwise taught in universities.

Many public surveys suggest, people with bachelor degrees or higher have a rather low percentage of unemployment. On the contrary, around 8 to 10 percent of people who have only finished high school are unemployed. Not to mention people of higher education make significantly more than those who are not. While the data may vary amongst sources, the common trend is that people with high school diplomas or lower are not as successful in terms of income as people believe. Therefore, I believe education would be the key to success.

In summary, I conclude that universities and colleges surely help people reach their career goals easier than without. Although the success of some people without the need of high level education is undeniable, it should be safe to assume such people as irregularities.

Thank you for your help.