rasikhah
Mar 23, 2022
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - BAR CHART: Shares of expenditures for selected categories [4]
It is a great essay anyway you should make the numbers count properly. I found it contains more than 200 words. Your overview paragraph (2nd) could be reduced by only including 1 sentence, because 2 are a little risky. I do agree that the details should contain in 2 paragraphs by comparing 2 different variables. Considering the 4th paragraph I think we should avoid kind of comparing like "one in every five people" because it doesnt really explain in the chart. However the using of 21%, 17%, and 21% should not be attached in, we dont really know the exact number from the diagram do we? It's more appropriate to use more than 25% or 15% or using number the diagram mentioned.
It is a great essay anyway you should make the numbers count properly. I found it contains more than 200 words. Your overview paragraph (2nd) could be reduced by only including 1 sentence, because 2 are a little risky. I do agree that the details should contain in 2 paragraphs by comparing 2 different variables. Considering the 4th paragraph I think we should avoid kind of comparing like "one in every five people" because it doesnt really explain in the chart. However the using of 21%, 17%, and 21% should not be attached in, we dont really know the exact number from the diagram do we? It's more appropriate to use more than 25% or 15% or using number the diagram mentioned.