Undergraduate / Not Just another Fish in the Ocean. My classmates as an influence. [2]

Hey xit9zangel! Try not to have too many run-on sentences. Maybe try smaller sentences. Smaller sentences will help your paper sound organized. You've got a great imagination! Try to add more descriptions, vivid detail! So, up the number of sentences, but down-size the length of them.

But I have to correct you on this part so it reads a bit smoother,

"...Even though it took me a while to let them in,..."

Them should be book. Its better to repeat yourself several times, than to have your sentences sound unclear. Its better to use pro-nouns (specific names) 90% time and use nouns (generalized people, places, things) 10% time.

And there is nothing wrong with reading books man :)

Grammar, Usage / Having problems with transition with paragraghs [10]

Using Addition or Time transitions could help. More importantly though...Secondly we will talk about...consequently of this, this is what we should do...at the same time we must consider this...In the meantime...Likewise this is related to...

hope you can use one of these. or make up your own or look some up!

writing2.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/trans1.html

Hope this one helps!

Undergraduate / UC transfer essay "Lions rescue in Africa" [2]

Wonderful essay! Perhaps stretch the end of the essay more. Write more on about how you are ready to put your talents to use. Sell yourself a bit more! You have a lot of heart, and a lot to offer. Most people will never ever find their calling. So, 2 years or 10, you've accomplished more than most people ever will. You've done field research already! Because you've already been out there, experiencing the lions for your self! And your reading books on the subject. This is what real scientist do! They read, research, and then write about it! Talk about your potential too. How much can your grow? How can you help the lions you describe? What impact do you wish to have on the world?

Big questions, but those questions will really ramp it up! Keep the descriptions of your experiences and skills. Those are very good!