Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by leonyan938
Joined: Nov 7, 2009
Last Post: Dec 26, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 1  
From: China

Displayed posts: 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
leonyan938   
Nov 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay"people think children's spending time on TV, video..is good,while.." [NEW]

Some people think children's spending time on TV, video and PC games is good, while others think it is bad. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, following technology development, the way of entertainment become variety increasingly, such as TV, radio or PC games and so on. Indeed, it provide people a great deal of pleasure, but it does not mean that it is a good sign for those people who cannot control their behavior, especially for children.

In my opinion, allowing children to spend majority time in entertainment is not a wise idea. Firstly, TV set sometimes shows violence and pornographic films and these may be lead children to learn and imitate and finally commit a crime. Secondly, stay home all day long will create problems of health. More specifically, there is no time to do some sports and activities because most of time spending in watch TV or play computer games. Thirdly, it can be seen a part of common issues, which leads children have not skills of communication with other child. As result of this, people should encourage children to do more play and talk with others, not only stay home in a whole day.

However, if children can control themselves to avoid spending majority of time in entertainment, that will be best way to relax their bodies and ease their minds. But unfortunately, most evidences illustrate that just only minority of them can control themselves.

Overall, I think the time that children to watch TV or play games should be restrict by their parents, but not to prohibit it. So the best way to resolve this problem is reasonable to enjoy those stuff.

Please give me some advice about it, I will very appreciate for this
leonyan938   
Dec 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Television has changed the way children spend their leisure time. [5]

HI, ROKO, this is also my first time to estimate other's essay, I guess your essay can score around 6.5, but I cannot give you most useful advices like others in this website.

I guess if 'etc' and 'a lot of' are replaced by 'and so forth' 'a host of or a number of ' will be better.

By the way, I think the last sentence: 'In general, indoor and outdoor activities such as TV watching and sports should be balanced mainly by parents.' isn't appropriate for the topic, I don't understand why outdoor activities is related with TV effect... Moreover, I did't see any sports and outdoor activities discussed in the second and third paragraph. So I guess illustrate new conception in the last paragraph isn't a wise idea.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳