Posts by tdbeckham

tdbeckham

Nov 13, 2009

Undergraduate / A Different Spin on The Diversity Essay [8]

Hi, here's my opinion. It is a good start and I like your descriptions, really vivid. But you may not wanna give a negative image to the girls you mention. Even though the AOs don't know your classmates, it's still safer to avoid negative things in your essay especially negative characters of other people. A personal essay should be more about yourself, I know you want to express how your thoughts changed, but I think the "bad girls" are too eye-catching in your essay.

I hope that helps.

tdbeckham

Nov 13, 2009

Undergraduate / The Global Connections Committee -elaborating on your activity [2]

prompt: elaborate on one of your activities (max 150 words)

Here's what I've written so far. I want it to be clear, have focus, and easy to read, doesn't have to be that creative, and without grammar mistakes. I have 173 words, so it can be more concise. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I have been on the Global Connections Committee for two semesters, and have greatly enjoyed the pleasure of arranging and planning campus-wide international events. For instance, I am in charge of the Friday Coffee Conversation Hour, in which international students can practice English with American students. Because many students didn't know the program before, at the student organization fair I used photos and my own experience to introduce it as a great opportunity to meet new friends. I also constructed a mailing list to inform prospective participants about Coffee Hour's updates. Thanks to our long-term effort, it has now become one of the most popular ESL programs on campus. Besides, I am working on the new Global Cuisine event and I am currently reaching out international volunteers who are willing to share the food in their countries. Working for the Global Connections has been a meaningful experience for me because I have helped to create the bridges between foreign students and local students, resulting in a concrete presentation of cultural diversity on campus.

tdbeckham

Nov 13, 2009

Undergraduate / "I flourish in large classes" - Rutgers admissions essay so far.. [4]

Hi, here's my opinion. Good start, on the track. But I would suggest you get rid of the first two or three sentences, because your essay reviewers already know you're applying to Rutgers U. And in your first paragraph, you are trying to describe why RU is a good college, and list many of its features, but I think you can focus on how "you" would like to take advantage of it, what programs what features offered by RU attract you particularly. So just personalize it. you don't need to tell them what's in their school, 'cause they know.

tdbeckham

Nov 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Writing Music Reviews (Common App Short Response) [10]

try to vary the sentence structures. delete or replace excess words

tdbeckham

Nov 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "I flourish in large classes" - Rutgers admissions essay so far.. [4]

Ok, consider your structure, the "student faculty ratio" part doesn't quite fit in because it's in between your self explanation. You may put the school part in the first paragraph (how it can serve you in terms of variety... and how can "you" benefit from the diversity of the school.) I suggest you look up RU's website, find programs or student orgs that have something to do with "various backgrounds and experiences", but I think "large classes" is less of it. what I mean by personalizing and focusing on "you" is you put something like this "I want to study Midwest culture, and in RU I would be able to meet students from Midwest, and join their xxx fraternity which features xxxx. in that way, I would have a better understanding of xxxx. I value the diversity and opportunity provided by RU". It may not be a good example, but it should give you a hint. As for "how you can contribute", you can just focus on the "India trip", I think this experience is more meaningful. Then you may think of and explain "why such a experience would bring benefits to RU". the last thing, choose simpler words. hope that helps, if you have any questions let me know.

tdbeckham

Nov 14, 2009

Undergraduate / A Different Spin on The Diversity Essay [8]

I like your revision. It has the impact, at least on me, to show how you changed. Keep on!