Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by shahps41592
Joined: Nov 29, 2009
Last Post: Oct 27, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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shahps41592   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Dental training, Obstacle Essay Help [6]

The prompt is: As you may know, dental training can be a rigorous, stressful and rather costly experience. Please tell us about a time you faced a difficult challenge. What was the challenge, how did you approach it, and, based upon your understanding of the nature of dentistry, how might that experience prepare you to succeed in dental school and in the dental profession? (500 or fewer words)

June 1st, 2008. I knew the day would come, but did not expect it to be so soon. The atmosphere was gloomy, a dark evil presence filled the room; it was death. My Dadi- my grandmother- had passed away. I cried remembering the time she walked me to school in the snow. I cried some more remembering how she cared for me. Now, more than a year later, I continue to cry, but by remembering her laughing and smiling, I smile too.

May, 2008. The doctor gave some nods and said, "Her health isn't looking too good. To be prepared, I recommend that you arrange for a funeral home." The words, funeral home, rang in my head, as I desperately tried to control my emotions. Who was I going to talk to when I needed help, who was going to make me her one-of-a-kind gourpapri, who was going to greet me with a smile when I came home from school? I would see her frail face, tilted like it always was, and her smile, and I cried for loss, I cried for myself, and I cried for her. I was not strong enough to bear the pain of her loss, but I had to do something.

My solution: simply ignore her; if I was not close to her, then it would not hurt me. But every morning, with the energy she had left in her frail and bruised body, she would muster the strength to say Pinkesh, mane bathroom layja. Her voice was soft, but it stood out to me even as I pretended I did not hear anything. It was agonizing to see her, but her gentleness made it impossible to avoid her. I realized that ignoring the problem only hurt both of us more; death was inevitable and I had to muster up enough energy to face it. My cruelty was met with my grandma's forgiveness as her last act of giving. I decided that I did not want to spend my life regretting the lost time between us, and so I spent every moment I had loving her.

I carry these lessons with me in all new problems I face. In dentistry, simply ignoring problems such as toothaches only make them build up, until they cannot be ignored any longer. By facing complications when they originate it is easier to overcome them. In dental school too, I understand that the stress and complexities will influence me to ignore my downfalls, but I am certain I will not let them. I will face them, each one with my utmost vigor, and with the lessons I learned, I know I will be able to overcome any complication that arises. Through my experiences with my Dadi, I was able to get from her the gift of perseverance and strength. To be a dentist is my dream, and the obstacles I will overcome to achieve my dream are inevitable, but I am certain that I will be able to overcome them.
shahps41592   
Nov 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / My parents' shouting matches - UCF obstacles/bump in the road [4]

Honestly speaking, I didn't like the essay very much. What is the word limit? What I didn't like was the fact that you spent your whole essay telling and you barely showed anything. What you basically did was mention that your dad said this your mom said this and Gaby did this, but I want to know so much more. I want you to start off with one of the matches and write about that and include you EMOTIONS (very big aspect). Personalize the essay. Even though the readers don't know you, they want to be able to hear your voice, and for me, it is very difficult as of now. The story you are telling is very touching, and I believe it makes a great topic, but the way you explained it hurts the obstacle.

For volunteering, instead of listing, why don't you show. Like volunteering at a hospital...the kids came in, wondering what actions led them there, and it was my reponsibility to calm them down. Do you sort of see the difference?

Also, make each sentence count. Some of your are just place fillers. Everything should be important. I recommend that after redrafting, you read through it paragraph by paragraph. Eliminate any that are useless to the story, and then go sentence by sentence, word by word. Make sure each word is exactly what you want it to be.

Remember, be yourself in the essay though. Don't be somebody they want you to be. If they don't accept you that school isn't right for you because you won't be able to be yourself.

Please post your redraft. I look forward to reading it. I hope this helps. Let me know if you need anything else.
shahps41592   
Nov 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Dental training, Obstacle Essay Help [6]

No it wasn't all a dream, only the first and last paragraph. I agree I didn't focus too much on the prompt itself. Thanks alot for your help. Do you think I should simply eliminate the first and last paragraph, in order to emphasize more on the prompt?
shahps41592   
Nov 30, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "people are living longer now"; 'Healthier life, well educated people' [2]

Honestly, I felt that this essay was very standard. In that I mean to say that it is 5 paragraphs and it is very predictable. This not only shows that you have difficulty writing, but it also shows that you are incapable of being creative, which I know is wrong. Some of your language is very well thought out. Here is what I think.

Overall, I stopped editing, because I want you to fix it first. What I dont what to do, is revise it for you becasue then it would be my writing and not yours and I know you are capable of doing this by yourself.

Improvements:
- don't start paragraphs with First, Second...
- include more facts...you wrote like 3 sentences about each one...write more


This is all I have for now...be sure to revise it and then I can read it again. I hope this helped.
shahps41592   
Oct 27, 2011
Essays / I need a quote / maxim for an essay [12]

'How to analyze and evaluate a few maxims?' - help with a scholarship essay

I am applying for a scholarship and it asks me to analyze and evaluate a few maxims. I would appreciate any ideas on the below maxims: Thanks in advance.

One can make a giant stride by having the will to persevere.

It is never too late to use one's talents.

Thanks.
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