Undergraduate / "Stop playing video games! " - Commonapp Short Answer and Personal Essay. [6]

This is my first draft of both the short answer and the essay.
Please give me some comments after reading it, thanks :D

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In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

"Take a deep breath, relax your fingers, concentrate and go do your best."

My piano teacher was pacifying me before I stepped into the examination centre. I was shivering because it was the hardest exam I have ever taken in my life. I rubbed my hands, adjusted my glasses and headed inside.

I learned to play the piano for 10 years, every time when I am playing these wonderful pieces, I fall into another world which only me myself inside, expressing different emotions. All the worries are gone when my fingers are dancing on the keyboard. Every pieces has its own low ebb and up surge, just as our life, that's why I'm always joyful, when hard time comes, I'll treat it as a hard piece, I'll get over it and finish it with my passion and confidence.

"You may now start," said the examiner.

Let's get it started.
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Personal Essay

"Stop playing video games! Get your butt on the piano chair and start practicing!" My mom yelled at me while I was concentrating on the computer screen. "I will mom, just give me five more minutes!" I sighed, yammering in my mind, feeling so unlucky comparing to my friends. Why do I have to play those boring pieces over and over again in this beautiful weekend, instead of enjoying what I would like to do!?

I sat on the piano chair impatiently and started beating the keyboard, the coarse sounds made me pettish. I knew I could not handle this anymore, my mom saw my angry face and she suddenly said, "If you really don't want to play, just give it up then. I'm not going to shout at you anymore." Her respond shocked me, I have never seen her that disappointed before. I felt so guilty, I upset her, in a really serious level.

She went back to her room, closing the door quietly. The whole living room was covering with dead air. I was still stunning on the piano chair, start deliberating why did I start playing piano, what is the goal? I remembered when I was young I begged my mom to let me to learn the piano because we heard a spectacular pianist playing Chopin Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 in a show, the beautiful melody melted me and I swore I have to play as good as he did at that time. Since I had never been that passionate before, she allowed me to learn piano. But what happened after then? I got distracted by games and forgetting my target, played the piano when my mom forced me to, instead of doing it consciously.

I took out the music book which has the Chopin Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 in a cabinet, and I flipped to that page. It was a hard piece, but I realized if I practice earnestly every day, step by step, I would make it one day. At that moment I suddenly got my passion back, I started to practice voluntarily and was getting better day by day.

I won't forget what my mom told me after that day, "When you find your goal, stick on it and don't let anything bothers you, never give up and be patient, you have to put a lot of effort if you want to accomplish your wish." This becomes my motto and it greatly shaped me as who I am today.

I open that music book again, looking at those notes and all the pencil marks on the sheet, I did accomplish my dream, I can play it fluently now. And now I have more targets to aim, and I will complete them with my confidence.

Undergraduate / Marketing + 'My mother and I' - UC Personal Statements [2]

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Since I want my future career to be exciting and challenging, marketing definitely fits as my intended major. Uniqueness is one of the essential elements to gain attention of others. I am a creative person who loves thinking about things in an interesting and brand new way. I enjoy promoting ideas which other people are interested in. I was working in a computer festival during the last summer vacation, and my job was to promote and sell computers to university students. There were a lot of students in the festival, but some of them were just passing through my booth without even looking at my computers. I was not happy with that; I needed all people to come to my booth and consider buying my computers. After some deep thought, I decided to play funny videos and pop songs on the computers. As expected, my action successfully grabbed their attention. Soon my booth got crowded with people trying out my computers' configuration and functions. I saw salesmen from other booths starting to follow my idea and do the same thing on theirs, but still my area was packed because of my vigor and humor in the conversations between the customers and me. I am currently the vice president of the International Student Organization, and my job is to organize educational activities for members to learn more about different cultures. It is nearly impossible to draw their attention if I just set up field trips to libraries or museums because of their lack of interest, so I have to combine them with some recreational events for entertainment. Our last trip to the Catalina Island was a success because I invited a lecturer to talk about the history of the island, so we could learn while having fun on the beach. After these two experiences, I was more determined than ever that I should always look at things from different angles and be creative. It is important for me to have these components to succeed in my future career. Unlike many other clerical workers, people in marketing departments must be creative and open-minded. I am eager to become one of them - not only for my sense of accomplishment, but also so I can learn something new every day. My mother always tells me to follow my heart and work on something that interests me in the future. I am glad I already know what it is, and I will enjoy the journey and attain my goals.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was someday around twelve years ago. My mother and I were in a mall, and she was holding my hands firmly because she was afraid I would get lost. There was a pianist playing some nocturnes, and the melody was so mellow that I wanted to play beautiful music like him. That was the first time I asked my mom if I could learn to play the piano. She sent me to a music academy to have piano lessons once a week, and I was getting more skillful with every lesson. However, I started to get tired of the endless practicing routine, and the passion in my heart was diminishing. My mom did not let me quit though; she forced me to practice for at least an hour every day. I was totally unwilling to do that, but I had to obey her command. I took different kinds of piano examinations and passed them without anxiety. I finally got my certificate for the highest graded piano exam with merit in the year 2006 - the year before I moved to the United States. After I came to Los Angeles for a better education, the nightmare had finally ended. I could decide to play the piano or not whenever I wanted without my mother's control. I met a lot of new friends in my high school in Glendale, and they were all amazed by my piano skills after a performance I had in a band show. I was so delighted by their admiration; the passion inside my heart was ignited. I started to love and enjoy the moments of playing the piano from the inside. Nowadays when I look back on it, I feel lucky that my mom did not give up on me and forced me to continue. Without her pushing, I would not have such an achievement today. Although I had to work hard during the process, I received a payback from working hard, and I will always keep this lesson in my mind.

Go harsh on the essays please...
Any comments will be appreciated ;)