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Posts by Mpx
Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Last Post: Dec 23, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  

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Mpx   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "Carnegie Mellon? What? Mellon like a watermelon?"; MAJOR & WHY CMU? [6]

Is this too boring? Is it too generic? Would it be bad to say that I am not sure of what I want to do in my future (as in the last paragraph).

Thanks for criticizing.

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In the freezing north in a country called Canada, most people I have talked to have never actually heard of "Carnegie Mellon". A typical conversation would usually involve the other party asking me what school(s) I were applying to, and then repeatedly questioning me, "Carnegie Mellon? What? Mellon like a watermelon?", which was only slightly humourous the first 20-or-so times. So what makes me different from the many who think of watermelon when they hear Carnegie Mellon, and why did I apply to Tepper School of Business and the College of Science?

First of all, Carnegie Mellon is known for as a technical institute, and that attracts me first and foremost. Being surrounded with new and changing technology all the time, I hope that one day I will be able to work with this ever-changing technology. By being in a college which has such a strong emphasis on technology, I hope that I will be able to appreciate it, have experience with it, and enjoy working with it in a "work environment".

However, I chose to apply to the Tepper School of Business and College of Science and not the Institute of Technology or the The School of Computer Science. I like working with technology hands-on, I like programming, and I love being able to develop new things. However, I believe that career-wise, this is not the right path for me to take. I believe that to become truly successful in life, one needs not only a strong education, but a broad education in all fields. I love technology, and I hope that despite not majoring in a technological field, I will be able to take engaging and challenging courses within those fields regardless.

By ranking Tepper and the College of Science as my number one and two choices, I hope to be able to have a degree in both so I will be more knowledgeable as an individual and as a member of society. I hope to one day be able to use my knowledge of both fields in my job. Career-wise, I believe that an undergraduate program in business will be able to broaden my horizons, and allow me to think more analytically. A business degree is practical, and by applying to the College of Science as well, I will be able to learn more on a subject that is difficult for me to pursue on my own: biological sciences.

I also believe that Carnegie Mellon's Tepper School of Business and College of Science are unlike all others. By incorporating Carnegie Mellon's strengths as a school into these other programs, I believe that any other major will not be void of technological influences. I believe understanding how technology works is essential for any business, and in the world we live in today, it is necessary to have a strong knowledge of such fields.

Knowing that Tepper and College of Science are both relatively small schools at Carnegie Mellon, I hope to be able to work closer with others, and have more hands-on experience. In a large city like Pittsburg, I believe opportunities are endless, and the future limitless.

So, what will I do in my future and what will I accomplish with two degrees? I do not have huge goals like curing cancer, or developing the next operating system that will parallel Windows, nor do I wish to become the CEO of a huge company, or being the greatest entrepreneur the world has ever seen. I have no set goal or set paths at the moment, and all I can do is hope that Carnegie Mellon will help me decide in the future. I do know that I know what I like, and I will finish something I have started, and I believe that by going to Carnegie Mellon, I will become more aware of my dreams.
Mpx   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "to reach my goal of becoming a doctor", University of Central Florida Essay [6]

You spend a lot of your words talking about your grandparents, while it is important to give some background I feel like you are too vague since you only spent around half a paragraph talking about what you have done, but not why you want to be a doctor. Focus more on individual things you have done, and why UCF uniquely will help you achieve those goals.

Maybe you can start off your second paragraph with a question. Ex. How did I end up here?
Mpx   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Notre Dame Essay -- Build a Future of Hope for Others [3]

I like this essay a lot but I wonder if you could put in any examples of smaller everyday occurrences since you only really mentioned the strong bonds and your goal to help out in Makuyu.
Mpx   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Carl Sagan [4]

Do I spend too much time explaining, and not enough time expanding on how much he has influenced me? I am unsure of how to expand on this, or what else to say.

I also do need a title.

Input please! (:

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Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

A physicist is such a romantic job, using numbers to explain and calculate how the universe works. As a child, I have never thought that numbers could be beautiful, that science could be romanic. In fact, although I spent a good portion of my life wanting to go into a Science-related field, I have never fallen in love with it, only, I have fallen out of love with it. That is, before I picked up Cosmos, by Carl Sagan. How did I discover this brilliant book, how did I discover how beautiful life is? How beautiful science is? From a simple Youtube video.

In the beginning of my senior year of high school, I was surfing the web like I regularly do, when I discovered this video. At first, I was about to skim it. It was a remix featuring two scientists, Carl Sagan, and Stephen Hawking. Being completely unabsorbed or interested in such videos, I was about to close the window, when something held me back.

After listening to this song for the first time, I decided it was worthy of another listen, so I replayed the video again. And again. And again. What did I fall in love with in that song? It was catchy definitely, but there was something more than that: the lyrics were absolutely stunning. With each listen, I became more absorbed by his simple words. "A still more glorious dawn awaits, not a sunrise, but a galaxy runs, a morning filled with 400 billion suns, the rising of the Milky Way". This scientist spoke like a true poet, and I had to learn more about him! So I did. After Googling for hours, I have discovered a lot about him. He used to smoke Marijuana, he advocated SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence), and he wrote a book and a series called Cosmos.

Eager to read some of his works, I went to buy Cosmos the next day. Upon the first words, "The cosmos is all that is or ever was, or ever will be", I was entranced. He has explained the universe and science in such beautiful prose that even those who would typically never even touch a book would spend hours flipping through the pages. Although I did not have a lot of time to engage in reading nowadays, I spent a good portion of the next few days after buying the book eagerly flipping through the pages. I felt humbled by his words, and excited about what I had just learned.

During my senior year, I have become stressed and tired due to personal issues, school, and generally life. Each day has become increasingly harder to get by, with work pilling up, relationships faltering, and family issues, and substandard grades. Being in what seems to be the most challenging International Baccalaureate program possible, I'm surrounded by negativity and classmates, who similarly to me, feel too stressed and burned out. Yet, every time I think back upon how difficult life is, I turn back to Cosmos and Carl Sagan's words, and I feel inspired to continue marching on through another day. Although I have become tired of Science due to the intensity of those courses offered at my school, I have become touched by the words of Sagan, and fallen in love again with the beauty of science, with how life was created.

How has my life been changed? I haven't had to overcome some difficult obstacle, and my life hasn't been completely altered by this man. Carl Sagan hasn't inspired me to become a theoretical physicist or change my life plans, but what he has inspired me to do is a lot simpler than that. He has allowed me to appreciate the world in ways I haven't been able to before. Now, halfway through my senior year, with deadlines pilling up behind my head, winter "breaks" writing labs and English essays galore, and friends who aren't so friendly anymore, I have a lot more faith in my future, and of the life surrounding me. Every time I look back upon his words, upon what he has written in those 300 pages of utter brilliance, I am inspired to keep on moving on. I am inspired by what has been created, of the civilizations that came from stardust, of the molecular structures that reside in us which have evolved from bacteria. Sadly, I will never be able to meet this great man, but his words have inspired me forever. His ability to make me appreciate the universe and life during this time has allowed me to truly admire the man, and to think, I discovered him from a simple Youtube video!
Mpx   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / INSPIRE & SURE - Emory Univeristy Supplemental [7]

I don't really like your intro, I think it's kind of vague and doesn't really show how much of a science fanatic you are because anyone could get that stat off the internet.

This investigation marks the first time I have been involved in a scientific endeavor of this high a caliber and the pride and excitement for discovery makes research opportunities very important (change the word?) to me. Emory offers such opportunities for undergraduate students!(What opportunities? Research? Say it!)

I wish to start a fruitful friendship with Emory University and become a part of it's lively community that is why I wish to attend Emory. Add a better concluding sentence (ex. Due to the reasons I have stated above, I believe that Emory would be a good fit for me.).
Mpx   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / College of the Arts and Sciences, Northwestern Supplementary: Why? [2]

Please tell me specifically what I need to change, thanks. (:

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What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

Northwestern's arches and gothic-style architecture rose up before me and I knew for sure that this is the university that I want to go to.

Currently I live in Canada, and I would love to move to a new country, and experience a new and exciting environment with interesting people and fun. Canadian schools are not known for their broad course selection, but rather, their lack of. Knowing that Northwestern is a relatively small school, with a large course selection, I fell in love.

I chose to apply to Northwestern's Weinberg College of the Arts and Sciences to major in Cognitive Science. Cognitive Science is a rare and difficult program because its interdisciplinary nature requires a breadth of knowledge in various subjects. For me, the reason Cognitive Science is so interesting is due to its interdisciplinary nature. As a child, I have always been interested in how the brain works, and I would love to use the resources from a vast variety of fields such as linguistics, neuroscience, and psychology to further not only my knowledge, but to help determine how humans behave, and why. Since it's difficult for me to remain interested in only one subject area, the idea of incorporating various fields into determining how the brain functions excites me.

Since Cognitive Science is so interdisciplinary, and Northwestern so broad in its course selection, I am sure that I will be able to take all sorts of courses that would cater to my broad interest. From the Kellogg School of Management to its top engineering program to its music program, Northwestern seems to be perfect for me in every way. I would also hope to be able to take the undergraduate certificate program at Kellogg, because I know that Northwestern is known for its business program, I would hope to be able to broaden my knowledge with a practical program at one of the world's finest business schools. Tired of schools which offer few disciplines, I hope that I will be able to expand my horizons and Northwestern.

After undergraduate school, I would hope to be able to use my newfound wide breadth of knowledge in graduate school and my future career. By being able to take such a vast variety of courses, I would be more analytical and knowledgeable in all fields. To me, it is difficult to remain set doing one thing for the remainder of my life, so by learning a lot in other subjects, I would hopefully be able to use these various skill sets in the workplace.

Furthermore, being only a half-hour drive from Chicago, I hope that living in Evanston would engage me due to its close proximity to a huge world-class city but also due to its community suburban feel. Knowing that I'm close enough to a major city, yet in a small enough school with a close community brings the best of both worlds. When I last visited Northwestern during the spring, I saw many students outside relaxing. Knowing that I'll be in a school where students are intellectually engaging, yet are stimulated socially only drives me further in love with this school.

One day, I would hope to be able to relax on the campus of staring out into Lake Michigan in the distance, to travel, and to study amongst some of the brightest students with some of the brightest professors doing something I truly love.
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