Undergraduate / The faculty of thinking and acquiring knowledge; Stanford/ Intellectual Vitality [4]


just sounds wrong. what are you trying to say? i can kind of get a feel for it as a read further, but it's a really poor opening. awkward and confusing. how about just "my parents asked"? they get that you do this sort of thing a lot in the last paragraph.


passive. "the answer came in the sight of"? "they got their answer from the sight of"?


"victoriously" sounds off in this context.


where's the flow? i understand that you get to the oranges later, but the wording is so abrupt that it sounds like you're starting a new topic entirely.


"but it was"

- - you use "juicy" twice and too close together.


you can get rid of this altogether

- - in general, paragraph two is very stilted. flow flow flow.


isn't it the other way around? how about "I discovered my love...throughout all..."?


"from both the successes and failures I experience"?

in general, it's a really good topic. says a lot about who you are, and it provides vivid mental images. it's entertaining, yet it still manages to promote your strong points. i LOVE your last line. all you need to work on is language, because right now it's sounding very disjointed.

read mine mebbe?? ;D

Undergraduate / "Reverend Williams? I love him!" CMC- Leadership [8]

I agree with the above post. Maybe put in your take on his accomplishments? How he has influenced you and your actions?

Overall the writing is solid and coherent. I like the intro, but the caps lock seems forced and, more importantly, unnecessary. That's just what I think tho - - take it or leave it. 8)

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - Well, roommate, let me tell you about my rock band... [5]

it's a decent essay on its own, but i was thinking - - why would you want to tell a roommate this? would your ability to balance schoolwork and recreation be the first thing you say when describing yourself to a person who's going to live in the same room you do for a whole school year?

a few wording tics:


"anticipative" - - there's probably a more natural sounding word


given your writing style "aureate" sounds like it was plucked from a thesaurus. either up the vocabulary you use in the rest of your essay, or change this to something a little more down to earth.

Undergraduate / NYU Common app supplements-- 2050 movie, famous NYorker, poem on me, why NYU? [4]

your poem's rather...shallow. sorry - it was my impression, and i want to be honest. unless you are transcendently eloquent, i would opt for a freeform poem or a limerick - you have a lot more words to work with that way.


is a repeat of


i also agree with gunny about this prompt.

read mine?? :3

Undergraduate / "Single-eyed giant" - WoW essay: good or bad? [21]

it's a really solid, well written essay. i honestly can't pick out anything wrong with the language. however your concern about length is legitimate, i think. i dunno - is there another connection you can draw between warcraft and your life?