Posts by brittdeno

brittdeno

Jan 11, 2010

Undergraduate / USC essay about adapting into a new environment [3]

Great start :) You're setting a nice opening scene for your essay, and I like how it unfolds! Here's a potential revision of your first two paragraphs (which, of course, you're all welcome to revise some more). When you do your second draft, think about varying your sentence structure a bit more; it will help things flow better!

Standing in the middle of the suffocating atmosphere of The National airport in Vietnam, I grasped for air. Leaving behind the familiar and comforting feeling of my homeland, I took flight to a foreign nation. Once I landed in LAX airport, the sight of paved streets, rushing cars, and mechanical stairs bewildered me and as I advanced towards the exit, I prepared myself for the challenges ahead.

"In the final moments before I departed from (use the name of the actual airport!) in Vietnam, I gasped for air. Not only did the stale atmosphere inside the airport feel suffocating to me, but I was also about to leave the familiarity and comfort of my homeland. Before I knew it, my plane landed in Los Angeles International Airport. The sight of mechanical stairs, rushing cars, and paved streets bewildered me. As I cautiously made my way toward the exit, I mentally prepared myself for the challenges ahead."

When I arrived in California for the first time, I've stepped into a completely different environment. Amidst the unfamiliar ambiance, the sight of my grandma's flimsy body in a floral traditional gown reminded me of the comfort of home; however the sound of two American women chit-chatting while passing by dragged me back to the paved side walk of LAX airport. Once I arrived in my family's new home, more oddities struck out at me as a constant reminder that I am no longer in the comfort of my homeland.

"Arriving in California for the first time was like stepping onto a completely different planet. The sight of my grandma's flimsy body in a traditional floral gown immediately reminded me of Vietnam, but the sound of two American women chit-chatting dragged me back to where I was standing -- the noisy sidewalk of LAX. Once I arrived in my family's new home, even more oddities stuck out as a constant reminder that this was not home."

I've got to stop procrastinating and write an essay of my own, but I hope that helps a bit and gives you an idea of how to revise!

Britt

brittdeno

Jan 17, 2010

Scholarship / Scholarship essay - my main purpose/motivation for teaching English abroad [4]

Any feedback is greatly appreciated! I'm applying for a scholarship to teach English in another country for 6 months. The prompt is to explain my main purpose and motivation for applying for this program.

Thanks!
-B

I still have the textbook that changed the course of my life - and, oddly enough, I acquired that textbook during summer camp. Weeks before I started my senior year of high school, I had a mouth full of braces, quite a few pimples, and a burning desire to perform well academically. Not wanting to participate in the typical outdoorsy camp, presumably filled with cabins, talent shows, and campfires (how was that supposed to get me into college?), I instead convinced my parents to foot the bill for me to take summer school at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). During those six weeks, I took my first college-level anthropology class, and it truly shaped the next five years of my journey into adulthood. Initially, this camp experience helped me answer, with confidence, the nagging questions of "Where do you want to go to college?" and "What do you want to major in?" Now I realize that it also produced a dramatic change in my sixteen-year old understanding of humanity. Like drapes being flung open in a pitch black room, the study of foreign cultures and societies opened my eyes to the world outside of tiny little Redlands, California.

My senior year of high school and the subsequent four years of college flew by as quickly as everyone told me they would. As an undergraduate at UCLA, life was a happy balance of interesting coursework, extracurricular activities, and cultural experiences only available in a big city like Los Angeles. In my anthropology classes, we learned about the myriad of societal structures and ways of sustenance, we watched videos about polygamy and polyandry, and we ventured out to do our own fieldwork and ethnography in the community. Hungry for more contact with different cultures, I volunteered with the Dashew International Center Orientation Program to greet foreign exchange students and show them around campus and the city. I explained, to eager ears, how you could run five miles west and end up at the beach in Santa Monica, take the bus three miles north to the infamous Getty Museum, or walk one mile east onto campus to see a world-class performance at Royce Hall. Their gratitude for my advice inspired me to apply to become a campus tour guide, and for the last three years of college I represented my university, with pride, to hundreds of curious visitors from around the country and around the world.

During every two-hour tour I was asked to speak about undergraduate opportunities to study abroad. I obliged by regaling my listeners with well-rehearsed stories of fellow students who went to Italy to study history (like my roommate, Emma) or to Ghana to learn African dance (like Eric, my co-worker). I talked about how immersion in another culture is a life-changing experience, how it truly brings your coursework alive, and how it is one not to be missed. Sadly, by the conclusion of every conversation, I was forced to reveal to the students my one true regret about college: that somewhere in between planning large events for the Student Alumni Association, performing as a school mascot for a year, and being accepted to the two-year long Anthropology Honors Program, I missed my window of opportunity to live, work, and study in another country. I dutifully reminded the students of a quote passed on by another college senior: "When you look back on your four years at UCLA, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did." It's been almost two years since I graduated, and I still feel the same way.

For almost a quarter of my life, I have cultivated a sincere desire to understand and connect with other cultures. I am blessed to have very few regrets in life, and I am still confident that I made the right choices in college and post-graduation -- without those experiences, I wouldn't be able to take part in this program like I can now. As a college graduate and young professional, I am confident that I have the maturity and skill set to venture abroad, not just as another traveler or another student, but as an active participant of change and as a representative of my country.

brittdeno

Jan 17, 2010

Essays / Thesis statement for an argumentative essay about music [8]

Good points, Kevin!

Just some fodder to think about -- when I was in college, I wrote a paper for my linguistic anthropology class about the evolution of language. I started out by talking about singing/music: how it is universal to every society, how singing may have helped lay the basis for the evolution of our vocal chords so we can talk, how it is used to bring people together for community and to promote altruistic behavior (think about singing in churches!). Taylor, you're on the right path by thinking about music and society; brainstorm ways music may have shaped society as we know it! I always liked thinking of my thesis paragraphs as a funnel, starting out broadly and then narrowing down to a specific, arguable thesis. This topic is perfect for that since music IS such a universal constant.

Best of luck!

brittdeno

Jan 18, 2010

Undergraduate / My own stress has been my obstacle ~ UCF Prompt [5]

I really like your two opening sentences! Very attention-grabbing. I totally know how you feel -- it took me until after college to start living by my new favorite quote: "The perfect is the enemy of the good." Here are some suggestions for the first half of your essay...

The stress I tortured myself with, were my grades
This sentence is a little awkward. You also used "stress" in the previous sentence; grab a thesaurus, and then think about how you can play with the sentence structure. Maybe use a simile or metaphor to make a vivid comparison? Tortured is very descriptive, though, and I like it!

At 15, I had convinced myself I was defined by test scores, and my worth was weighted by how many As I had. After all, this meant a good school, a successful career, and a eventually a "successful life".

I really like this, but it strikes me as a little off as well, & I can't quite pinpoint it. Maybe try this: "At 15, I convinced myself I was defined by test scores; I thought my worth was weighted by how many A's I received." Just a thought, but I don't know if it's grammatically correct (or simple enough). Also! Whenever you use quotation marks, it's conventional (in American usage) to put periods INSIDE quotation marks.

In addition to my normal academics, I ~~was~~participated in band. ~~Completion~~Competition was fierce, and our school was one of the highest- ranked bands in the county. Our final was simple; we had to participate in the All-City Band tryouts. Failure to do so ~~(no comma!)~~ would mean an instant failure in the class. I was ready: weeks of practicing ~~(no comma!)~~ and hours of memorization had me geared for the audition.

Watch your commas! Don't just sprinkle them in to separate things; you can vary your sentence structure instead (and/or use semicolons. I heart semicolons!)

Time stood still as I watched the rest of the students turn in their sheets~~, and~~while I frantically searched for it. I had left it at home. It was the deadline, and I was missing the crucial part of the equation. I went home that day, with the solid fact I was going to fail a class.

That last sentence could have a better flow with the rest of the paragraph. You could try: "That day, I went home with a heavy heart, knowing I was going to fail a class for the first time." Or something to that effect :)

Good luck!!

brittdeno

Jan 18, 2010

Scholarship / Scholarship essay - my main purpose/motivation for teaching English abroad [4]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll re-do that part about regrets. I can never figure out how to end personal essays without feeling like I'm being ridiculously cheesy, so my last paragraph always ends up feeling like it's incomplete because I hate agonizing over it.

Any other suggestions on how I can end this thing would be awesome :)
-B

brittdeno

Jan 18, 2010

Undergraduate / My own stress has been my obstacle ~ UCF Prompt [5]

Yay, post the revision so we can see it! :)

Also, I just thought about your ending a little more - college admissions officers are looking for undergraduates who aren't just focused on academics as the pinnacle of everything (even though in school, it feels like that, right?!). College offers so much more than classes, so they want students who are not only going to do well, but who also are going to participate in extracurricular activities. You demonstrate that school is important to you, which is good, and you talk about participating in honors band - but what about what you're going to do in college? At the end of your essay, it may not be enough to just say you're happier now - what about giving an example to show how you've grown? Like, now you are able to manage your time so that you can do schoolwork, do extracurricular activities, AND have a life outside of that... then connect it to how you'll be able to participate/succeed at UCF. If that makes you go over your word limit, consider editing the rest of your essay to make it concise but descriptive (and yes, this is much easier said than done).

Good luck again!

-B

brittdeno

Jan 18, 2010

Book Reports / Essay on Structural Violence as Explained by Paul Farmer's Anthropology [5]

According to the medical anthropologist Paul Farmer, structural violence predominantly affects the world's socioeconomically poor. The structures of the modern society, divided between the "impoverished" and the "affluent," deny the large percentage of the world's population access to medical care--medical care that is disdainfully deemed to be cost-ineffective for the poor. As a result, the world's impoverished, as said by the theologian Pablo Richard, "are obliged to die in the silence of history" behind a blinding wall, dividing the rich and the poor.

I would take out the "--" and just end the second sentence at that; it seems too wordy. The last sentence also reads a teeny bit stilted.

Maybe you could say, "The invisible structures of modern society divide humanity into the impoverished and the affluent, denying a large percentage of the world's population access to expensive medical care. As a result, the wealthy minority ignores the world's impoverished majority, as if there were a blinding wall between the rich and the poor. The theologian Pablo Richard reminds us that the poor are "obliged to die in the silence of history" because..." (add in your own "fun" here about cultural hegemony; the upper class writes the history books, etc., etc.)

I think you need to explain why you included the quote - it does tie in nicely with the second paragraph with suffering in silence!

In Infections and Inequalities: the Modern Plagues, Paul Farmer explains that this "wall" is most evident in the incorrect claims of infectious disease being "emerging" or "new," made only when the world's rich are affected. This is especially striking because the poor, mostly confined to Least Developed Countries, have been and still are suffering in silence.

Just sprinkling in a few words to make it sound stronger!

Specifically, Farmer comments that the common statement of tuberculosis as "reemerging" due to renewed outbreaks in Europe and North America as "another reminder of the invisibility of the poor" who in places like Haiti, Africa, and South Asia have been the victims of tuberculosis--a disease that can be easily cured with the application of effective therapy that is inaccessible or rather, "cost-ineffective" for the poor. Due to poverty, the poor are limited in their desperate efforts to better their health--and are limited even in their own lives through the structural violence of societies.

This part of the paragraph will be clearer if you break your sentences into smaller chunks: "Specifically, Farmer comments about the frequent statement that tuberculosis is "reemerging" due to renewed outbreaks in Europe and North America. In places like Haiti, Africa, and South Asia, thousands (I don't know if this is correct; maybe look it up? It's probably more, right?) have been the victims of this disease, one that can be easily cured with the application of effective therapy. This serves as "another reminder of the invisibility of the poor," who cannot gain access to expensive live-saving treatments, and it is a prime example of structural violence in societies."

With the appalling stories of Acephie and Chouchou, he describes poverty, interlocked with structural violence, as the sole cause of their horrific deaths.

"By describing the appalling stories of Acephie and Chouchou, he demonstrates how structural violence is closely interlocked with poverty, and how it is ultimately responsible for their deaths."

Structural violence is not caused by an individual's actions or will; instead, it is defined and structured by an individual's social status since his or her socioeconomic status limits his or her life.

This should probably be two sentences, too. How does one's socioeconomic status limit his or her life? Show that you know what this means by giving an example! Think about access to opportunities, (invisible) barriers people face...

The silence in which the poor have to suffer, the inadequate access to medical care, the hunger, the suffering, and numerous deaths around the world are all effects of structural violence--a violence that could be prevented or assuaged if the affluent confront the social inequalities rather than arguing about "cultural differences."

I like where you're going here, but it'd be better if the sentence structure stayed parallel and/or if you tied it in to the big picture: "The effects of structural violence are widespread but overlooked. Hunger, suffering, inadequate access to medical care, and deaths: these could be prevented or assuaged if the affluent confront social inequalities rather than arguing about "cultural differences." ---- I'm not sure what you mean by cultural differences here, so maybe end with an example of said differences. What exactly is the developed world bickering about instead of the actual problem?

Overall, great job! I don't think I ever read about this topic in my anthro classes, but just reading it taught me something new...and made me miss school a little :)

-B
p.s. any help with my essay would be very much appreciated!