Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by pinnotes
Joined: Feb 6, 2010
Last Post: Feb 20, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 1  
From: United States

Displayed posts: 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
pinnotes   
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "become an air traffic controller" UT transfer studen/ Statement of purpose [3]

Statement of Purpose

"So tell me kid, how did someone like you become an air traffic controller, or for that matter an honor student? I mean, remember those giant glasses you wore? And even with them, you could still barely find your way out of a paper bag!" chuckled my Uncle Bob just before he burst out into an uncomfortable laughter that ended in hacking coughs. I had to forgive him for this uncouth question. The truth was we both knew my childhood established my title as the family underdog. And the glasses he referred to were actually prescribed to me when I was four. My impaired vision yielded delays in my reading, comprehension, and math skills. Ultimately, at the advice of my second grade teacher, I was placed in the special education program. An intellectually slow child with thick glasses was how my uncle Bob remembered me, but the bright, creative, successful woman I became to him was how I always saw myself.

The stigma of being labeled as a slow learner was sometimes more than I could bear. Hours of additional tutoring and summer school exhausted me of any desire learn. I considered school and everything about it a place of misery and torture. My mother recognized signs that I was becoming depressed and withdrawn. Wisely, she made me aware of great minds like Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, and Charles Schwab who also struggled with learning disorders. Immediately I felt a certain kinship with them, and my fascination for the learning process was born. A conviction grew inside me to never stop improving myself so that way someday I would be able to help other struggling learners see their true potential.

Unfortunately, high school began a rollercoaster of family problems. The next four years I went through the motions as a student, but I found it impossible to remain engaged in my studies. Graduation came and went and I barely noticed. The University of Wisconsin accepted me in their general studies program, and for the next two years I half heartedly attended classes. My mind still reeled from the upheaval I endured, even though it was no longer a part of my life. During all this turmoil one constant remained; my passion to become someone who can help struggling learns realize how smart they truly are.

I knew if I wanted my dream to come into fruition I needed to hit the reset button my life. I decided to join the Air Force; it offered the stability and structure I so desperately needed. Rapidly my situation began to improve. After taking the vocational assessment test, I was offered an air crew position. This was a position reserved exclusively for the top two percent of the enlisted Air Force. And a few years later I was able to attend night school on top of my additional duties. During my enlistment I received several merits of honor for my actions as a soldier, while at the same time I received accolades for my outstanding academic achievements. My sense of self discipline, pride, and focus were rejuvenated. I successfully transformed into the person I had intended to become when I enlisted. Poised for success I left the air force and returned to school. The frequency of my personal and academic accomplishments assured me that I will someday achieve my ultimate goal of helping students who struggled like I did.

Across the table sat my uncle Bob as he waited for me to provide an answer that would make my success (to him) less of an enigma. Then I realized on of the most important lessons I ever learned. I never intended any of my accomplishments as a way of saying, "I told you so". The strides I have made in my life have always been guided by the greater good of someday holding someone's potential up to the light so they could see it for themselves. I never did end up dignifying Uncle Bob's question with an answer. Instead I smiled and reassured him that I have come a long way, but I am not finished yet.
pinnotes   
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / UT Austin Statement of Purpose (bodybuilding and diabetes) [6]

Bignasty36
Hello Hassan,
This is a great essay. Just a few things Id like to recommend

I began junior high with the "asinine" assumption - might want to change that word. Its a little too strong . Try perhaps "ignorant" or "mislead"

You should have seen how surprised I was to find that I had hit a plateau and just couldn't accelerate higher loads. --- I would drop the "you should have seen" and just go into how suprised you were. That will make it flow nicer

Avoid using "you"phrases all together like: "you should have" or "You dont know how long I have waited" ( just examples) It will stream line your essay to sound more polished and mature

Your second paragraph is fantastic. I love how you talk specificly about the science you have had to employ to achieve your personal body building goal. It was very interesting. Just becareful of the last sentence. It doesn't seem to fit with the the earlier flow.

Since studying the human body more "discretely"- that means in secret or subtle. Try "intensively" or "in depth"

Did your father have a heart attack as a result of his diabetes? That is an important point that I think you should make a little clearer. If you come right out and say that, it will really evoke compassion and heighten reader's hope for you to acheive your personal goal.

Because of this fundamental reason I am requesting a transfer from the University of Texas at Arlington to UT-Austin.. try not to start sentences with "because". If you flip your main clauses around and say, I am requesting a transfer.. because of this fundemental reason. - that will sound better

Consider leaving out your last sentence, it sounds too general and a bit trite. Keep your essay focoused on only what you plan to contribute to society as a result of your education at UT

Im sure you are going to do well at whatever your goals are. Good Luck!
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳