Posts by _fantasy

_fantasy

Feb 9, 2010

Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

Please be as critical as possible. I won't take any comments the wrong way. Thanks!

In a 300-word paper, please describe how your extracurricular activities and leadership experience have prepared you to be an active contributor to, and engaged participant in, the Rotman Commerce community.

My extensive volunteering experience sprouted as a chore.
I joined the school service club in grade nine, which provided various opportunities for volunteer work throughout the year. With the sole objective of completing my community service hours required by the school, I attended the first event of the year: Parent Walkabout, an opportunity for parents to meet their children's teachers. I was in for a pleasant surprise.

Not only did I meet many new friends, but we united as a team in helping the parents. The feeling of connectedness between us- it was amazing, a beautiful feeling of content that was hardly describable. Furthermore, to this day, I continue to remember the delight I experienced as I helped the first parent I met that evening to her child's classroom, receiving a gratifying thank you and a brilliant smile.

The club presidents change yearly. However, I was never happy with certain aspects of the management of the club. The club meetings lacked overall structure, the leaders were hard to locate on event day, and there was no way for the members to track if their hours are being recorded correctly. I wanted change. Thus, I took action. Anxiously, I applied for the position of president for the largest club in school. I was successful.

Even as its president, I continue to learn from the club. I am constantly awed at the abilities of the club members. Knowing that university communities contain even more talent simply thrills me! I would like to extend my attitude towards learning and positive change to the Rotman Commerce community. I will be an active participant, taking initiative in achieving my ideals. I am confident that I can bring about energy, creativity, and individuality to the Rotman Commerce community when I hopefully arrive on campus this September.

_fantasy

Feb 9, 2010

Undergraduate / "Magical Fluids": college admission essay. [7]

Tolo
Magical fluids

Since I have a weak heart, I cry easily. People say that a man should be strong and courageous. Although I try my best, I cannot endure the waves of tears striking me with emotion. I think I would never be able to endure tears from flowing. Maybe this is who I am.

I think you should replace "striking" with another word. Tears don't strike you; they roll down your cheeks. Also, if you cannot endure tears from flowing, you would have broken down or died or something by now. That sentence isn't expressing what you want to say correctly. Perhaps you mean that you can never stop your tears?

My tears are unpredictable - they burst out regardless of time and place. When I was in kindergarten I had to prepare for public speaking for a few months. I decided to talk about my family, and started to collect information with a little bit of excitement and nervousness. Finally, the day arrived and I went onto the stage. As I stood on the stage, I cried out loud in front of hundreds of people.

Try rewording "collect information with a little bit of excitement and nervousness." Doesn't sound good.

Until I graduated from kindergarten, my father and grandmother used to tell me that my mother lived in America and studied really hard. I believed them, because they were my family. When my friend (only one friend asked? then you should say, "Once, my friend asked...") approached me and asked, "Where is your mother?" I proudly answered them that she is in America studying a lot. (try putting this in the form of quotations since your question was in quotations) But my friends looked as if they were struggling to believe me . Ultimately they believed me, but I had to re-convince them when questions like "Is it true?" and "You are not lying right?" were asked. However, my self-confidence was destroyed in grade one when a number of my friends bullied me by saying, "You do not have mother!" Every time they did so, I walked home crying.

I heard the truth from my grandmother. She told me that my mother was not studying in America, but passed away when I was only 6 months old due to an accident. The truth was shocking. Tears exploded out of my eyes. I hated to consider myself as a motherless child, and I hated the fact that my friends knew better about my mother. I buried my face in my grandmother's chest and cried.

My father dislikes me when I cry. He lost his wife, fought against diabetes for 22 years, and raised three kids. It was obvious that my father wants me to grow up with a strong heart. However, when I hear my relatives saying bad things about my father, I cannot stand up and defend my father. All I can do is to go to my room, quietly sort out my complicated mind, and calm myself down with tears.

I cry because I am a human. I cry easily because I am different from others . I do not regret or feel ashamed of my outbursts in the past. If I did not cry in the public speaking event, I would not have any memory about the incident. If I did not cry, my grandmother might have kept the truth from me for much longer. If I stood up and defended my father, I do not think I could have stayed in South Africa. For me, tears are not just water droplets. They are magical fluids.

It is weird to simply mention that you would not have any memory about your public speaking presentation in kindergarten if you had not cried. Answer the question, "So what?" Talk about the significance of that event, and how it contributed to your character and development. Also, your conclusion is a bit weak. Expand on your conclusion. Talk about how staying in South Africa shaped who you are today. Remember to relate back to your topic: stress how tears changed your life.

I'm still a high school student, and I'm also applying for university this year. Hope you get into your first-choice university!

_fantasy

Feb 10, 2010

Undergraduate / "Magical Fluids": college admission essay. [7]

Not a problem :) I'm still learning myself. By the way, I glanced at my corrections and caught a few more grammar errors I didn't notice the first time. I also noticed that most of your grammatical mistakes involve commas.

first paragraph:
When I was in kindergarten I had to prepare for a few months for public speaking (I think it's better if you use "presentation" instead of "public speaking.").

second paragraph:
When I was in kindergarten, I had to prepare for public speaking for a few months.

third paragraph:
Ultimately, they believed me...

_fantasy

Feb 10, 2010

Poetry / "Mirrored behaviors.", English 12 Essay Comparing Two Poems (for BC, Canada) [5]

Please be as critical as possible. Also, I would like to start the second paragraph (first body paragraph) with a more creative and interesting topic sentence, but I'm having trouble writing one. I also think my conclusion and title are very weak, so hopefully somebody can help me with those. :)

<-------------- essay starts here ------------------->
Why People Like to Look in Mirrors

Since Plato's time, human beings have sought to define and achieve idealism. Hitler demonstrated his impression of the ideal human to the extremes by attempting to exterminate all people other than the Aryans. You and I also strive for idealism. Students struggle to achieve their ideal marks. Adults strive for ideal performance in work. Even drug addicts aim for ideals, as they seek the ideal lifestyle and pleasure through drugs. Every individual's concept of idealism is different. Poets Sylvia Plath and Nelle Fertig express their opinions on idealism through "Mirror" and "I Have Come to the Conclusion," respectively.

The persona of Sylvia Plath's "Mirror" is, in the first stanza, an arrogant and contradictive mirror. Its vanity is especially apparent as it compares itself to god, "I am.../ The eye of a little god" (Plath, 4-5). The mirror also believes that it has no preconceptions. Its statements are short and informative to convince the reader of its reliability and objectivity. However, the readers discern that the mirror is not as unbiased as it claims to be when it demonstrates emotions near the end of the first stanza, even mentioning that it possesses a heart.

The persona then transforms into a lake in the second stanza. The lake notices a woman looking into it, but upon doing so, she leaves as she is dissatisfied by what she observes. Failing to understand the woman's pain, the lake utilizes a graphical simile to accentuate the cruel reality, "In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman/ Rises toward her like a terrible fish" (Plath, 17-18). The lake is not only unsympathetic towards the woman's pain of aging, but it even accentuates her misery. Linking the distress that the woman experiences due to aging with the complex personification of the mirror's personality and emotions, it becomes apparent that the mirror symbolizes a woman who is extremely satisfied with her appearance.

The theme of "I Have Come to the Conclusion" is stated by the woman in the first stanza: "[When] we fall in love/we really fall in love with ourselves" (Fertig, 3-4). The woman supports her paradoxical statement by remarking that people choose their other halves based on the qualities they desire to recognize in them. In other words, they are searching for their own ideals, and not actually looking for another person.

For example, one tends to be in a relationship with another who would tell the former, "I love you."
Mirrors in both "Mirror" and "I Have Come to the Conclusion" symbolize ideals: the mirror in "Mirror" represents the ideal woman, while mirrors in "I Have Come to the Conclusion" represent the ideals qualities of one's life partner. However, Plath and Fertig utilize different methods to describe the consequences when ideals no longer exist. In "Mirror," as the woman ages, she becomes frustrated with her appearance because it is not that of an ideal woman's. Thus, Plath changes the persona from a mirror to a lake to preserve the idea that mirrors only reflect ideals. On the other hand, in "I Have Come to the Conclusion," Fertig symbolizes a loss of ideals with the smashing of the mirrors. The woman mentions breaking "a few/ very fine mirrors" (Fertig, 12-13). When her boyfriend no longer demonstrates her ideal qualities, she breaks up with him, represented by the shattering the mirror. Hence, the complete mirror will always represent ideals. Involving violence, Fertig's representation of the destruction of ideals is much more dramatic than that of Plath's. Since shattered mirrors cannot be restored, Fertig implies that once ideals are lost, they cannot be recovered. The mirror can only be pieced together at best, symbolizing an imitation of the original ideal. It will never reflect as perfectly as the original mirror. The imitation only appears to be ideal, but is, in fact, not.

Developing mirrors as symbols for idealism, both Sylvia Plath's "Mirror" and Nelle Fertig's "I Have Come to the Conclusion" explore the sequences as ideals collapse. Yet, their perceptions seem to be extremely different, reminding readers that idealism is a concept that can be interpreted in many different manners. Plath believes that once an ideal disappears, it will change into something else completely, as the mirror transforms into a lake. However, Fertig feels that the idealism will be destroyed, lost, and not replaceable, as indicated by the complete shattering of the mirrors. These are Plath's and Fertig's ideals. What are yours?

<---------------- end essay, start poem "Mirror" -------------------->

Sylvia Plath

Mirror

REMOVED

Nelle Fertig

I Have Come to the Conclusion

I have come to the conclusion
she said
that when ...

REMOVED

_fantasy

Feb 10, 2010

Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

Thanks, Kevin, for your feedback!

Unfortunately, I'm at the maximum word count right now (exactly 300 words; it was much longer!). What parts do you think I should take out? I also think I should talk about my vision for the future, but I'm having trouble with the word count. :(

_fantasy

Feb 12, 2010

Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

Thanks again Kevin! Do you think this would be better: "My extensive volunteering experience established as an assignment."

_fantasy

Feb 13, 2010

Poetry / "Mirrored behaviors.", English 12 Essay Comparing Two Poems (for BC, Canada) [5]

Thanks, Kevin! Here is my new thesis:
Both Sylvia Plath's "Mirror" and Nelle Fertig's "I Have Come to the Conclusion" utilize mirrors as symbols for idealism to express their respective poet's opinions on ideals.

I also wrote a new concluding paragraph. I feel that I'm going a little off topic in the end though:

Developing mirrors as symbols for idealism, both Sylvia Plath's "Mirror" and Nelle Fertig's "I Have Come to the Conclusion" explore the sequences as ideals collapse. Plath believes that once an ideal disappears, it will change into something else completely, as the mirror transforms into a lake. However, Fertig feels that the idealism will be destroyed, lost, and not replaceable, as indicated by the complete shattering of the mirrors. Both Plath and Fertig fully demonstrate their unique opinions on idealism by developing mirrors as symbols. Yet, their distinctive beliefs about idealism remind readers once again that idealism is a concept that can be interpreted in countless ways. Each individual possesses a different understanding of ideals. Perhaps, then, a utopia which satisfies everyone's principles will never be possible. Humans are, after all, imperfect creatures.