Soccer16
Mar 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / 5. mixed --21st century=opportunity,you agree/disagree, changes you hope-- [3]
Just a few edit recommendations...
5. Many people are optimistic about the 21st century and see it as an opportunity to make positive changes to the world. To what extent do you agree or disagree with their optimism? What changes would you like to be made in the new century?
Along with theThe rapid development of human society, we are experiencing a change that never happened before.has resulted in an unexpected evolution. A majority of people take an optimistic of attitudestowardsto the coming of a new millennium. This new attitude willPersonally, I think the coming of 21 century will bring us not onlymore increased opportunities and, but also more and challenges.
It is no doubt that the 21 century will bring us more opportunities (to whom?) and improve ourlife conditionstandard of living . For individuals, the development of medical skillsmedicineand new medicines will save more precious lives;.the furtherIncreased communication amongbetween countries will also produceprovide more chancesopportunites for individuals to visit other countries and to study new knowledge, so that by enriching their knowledge andbecome enriched by their experiences,.makeMaking them (who?)more eligible for their careers in specific industries will enable them to and contribute more to the society. In turn, in terms of countries, theThe social development of individuals will lead to them stronger skill-sets and more abilitiesincreased opportunity to severservecitizenstheir communities , thereby creating morea harmonious atmosphere and living environmentfor human being .
... ok, I'm going to stop there. Try to look at the changes I made and think about why it flows better. Re-read your essay out loud and if it doesn't sound like something you'd actually say... then it may need adjusting. Essays get wordy very easily... most of the time you can take out some words and the sentence sounds more precise.
Take another crack at it and post again.
Just a few edit recommendations...
5. Many people are optimistic about the 21st century and see it as an opportunity to make positive changes to the world. To what extent do you agree or disagree with their optimism? What changes would you like to be made in the new century?
It is no doubt that the 21 century will bring us more opportunities (to whom?) and improve our
... ok, I'm going to stop there. Try to look at the changes I made and think about why it flows better. Re-read your essay out loud and if it doesn't sound like something you'd actually say... then it may need adjusting. Essays get wordy very easily... most of the time you can take out some words and the sentence sounds more precise.
Take another crack at it and post again.