knich6
Mar 3, 2010
Writing Feedback / Email and text messaging threats written language [5]
FIRST PARAGRAPH
This replaced a traditional method of communication in the past.
The aim of this essay is to discuss the positive and negative of mobile cell and electronic mail.
The reason i crossed these two sentences out is because the first sentence is unnecessary and the second is too vague to use as a thesis and you shouldn't use "the aim of this esssy" in an essay. Maybe state some positives and negatives of the mobile cell and electronic mail.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
dont use a between took and time. dont put also in your third sentence of your second paragraph. "its" would be it's but you never use contractions in an essay so, it is. dont say to avoid. (akward phrase)
THIRD PARAGRAPH
send needs to be sending.
FOURTH PARAGRAPH
firstly? that should be first.
*students who areaddictedfor to could can effect (i think) future assignments. this might be convert to a serious threaten
CONCLUSION
use something other then in addition.
OVERALL
it was okay. it needs to be longer though and you have alot of mistakes to fix.
FIRST PARAGRAPH
The reason i crossed these two sentences out is because the first sentence is unnecessary and the second is too vague to use as a thesis and you shouldn't use "the aim of this esssy" in an essay. Maybe state some positives and negatives of the mobile cell and electronic mail.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
dont use a between took and time. dont put also in your third sentence of your second paragraph. "its" would be it's but you never use contractions in an essay so, it is. dont say to avoid. (akward phrase)
THIRD PARAGRAPH
send needs to be sending.
FOURTH PARAGRAPH
firstly? that should be first.
*students who areaddicted
CONCLUSION
use something other then in addition.
OVERALL
it was okay. it needs to be longer though and you have alot of mistakes to fix.