Undergraduate / "Qualities that make me successful in bachelor of science"-Deadline in >24 hours [10]

Hey, wassup?
I'm working on those too, actually. So, I like your essays, but i think you're right, the second one feels kinda choppy. What I mean is that the content is fine, but you just need to work on sentence structure. There are too many short sentences.

Undergraduate / "Qualities that make me successful in bachelor of science"-Deadline in >24 hours [10]

I think that the first one is fine. You just should make sure that there is a connection between your experiences and those qualities, which I think there is, so that those experiences expand on the qualities you're trying to present.