Undergraduate / UWM admission statement : HOW will your presence enrich our community? [2]

HI , i am a student who want to transfer to UWM.I am in Industrail Engineering. can you guys help me to revise the statement. Thank you .Please feel free to give me advices.

1. The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Hermann Hesse once said: "Every man is more than just himself; he also represents the unique, the very special and always significant and remarkable point at which the world's phenomena intersect, only once in this way and never again." Therefore, I am a unique person and I believe my presence will enrich Madison's community. Moreover, I hope the University of Wisconsin-Madison will give me a chance to continuously contribute uniqueness to campus and shape my personality.

I am still thankful for an event that happened in my sophomore year of high school, which made a difference for me and shaped the person I am today. At that time, the committee of a singing contest held an election for executive board. To my surprise, I was elected as publicity chair, which was one of the most selective positions. Though the fear of not having enough experience about publicity made me hesitant to accept the position, I was convinced that taking challenges and responsibilities in an unfamiliar area would teach me more than just a success. In the following 16 days, I found myself to be gradually more capable of handling my tasks in this event. This learning and practicing process also inspired my interests to learn more skills about how to coordinate with different departments and spread the influence of our event. I kept records of each round of the contest to analyze the effects of publicity and adjust the promotion strategies for the rest of the events. Eventually, our great efforts paid off. The contest was held in the packed school's arena, which was never done before. At that moment, I suddenly learned that happiness exists not only in things you love to do, but also in things you have to do. In the future, I will definitely continue challenging myself and attempting new things at Madison.

When attending ** University in China, I was a journalist for the school newspaper. That experience gave me a chance to contribute to as well as come to understand our community better. As a journalist on campus, I had a lot of opportunities talking with faculty and students through interviews and all kinds of activities. To me, reporting events on campus was not just my work, but also a way for me to get involved in our community. I could meet all kinds of friends and get to know their lives as an individual on campus. By writing news and articles, I could let more people know how other students' lives are going in our community and influence them with positive attitudes. I myself was also motivated by their brilliant perspectives. Through interviewing administrative faculty and professors, I gained a more comprehensive knowledge about university operation and policy; this created a bridge between me and students so that I can share my understanding of our community to more students. In Madison, I hope I can fill a similar role in getting involved on campus and serving more people.

As I embark on a new semester at Saint Louis University this fall, I am taking on new leadership opportunities on campus. Being an international student currently enrolled at Saint Louis University, I was elected as programming chair in ISF (International Students Federation). I am more than happy to assist and serve students from all across the world at Saint Louis University. As programming chair, it is my pleasure to serving as a helpful resource for them, making them feel at home during their stay in Saint Louis University by participating activities organized by ISF. Also, selected as an volunteer in Oriflamme Leadership during 2010 Welcome Week, I enjoyed welcoming all domestic and international freshman and transfer students to Saint Louis University and helping to create a successful experience for first-year students. This opportunity was also meaningful to me because it gave me an access to experiencing a real American Welcome Week. If I was enrolled in the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I strongly believe that my unique experience with multiple interests will be a contribution to the diverse community.

Undergraduate / "major in Engineering" - UIUC Essay, motivation to transfer and professional goals [3]

UIUC Essay I
Explain your motivation to transfer from your current /former institution to Illinois and how you academic interests or and professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

My father was a high school mathematics teacher. His passion for the realm of mathematics influenced my keen interest in this subject. In middle school, my curiosity in science was sparked by participating in "Technological Innovations Competition" three times. From then on, it was obvious engineering or science would be my ideal major. However, I was assigned to the School of Business at ** University because my College Entrance Exam score was not qualified for the School of Engineering. From the first Class in college, I realized I was not meant to pursue a Business major. In fact, I am passionate about skills and applications in the business world, but in a different perspective. Changing majors is hard in China; therefore, I transferred to Saint Louis University to major in Engineering, undecided.

My SLU experience has been an explorative journey. I have utilized the resources around me to pinpoint my burning desire to study Industrial Engineering. As a Chinese student, the contrast in Industrial Engineering in China between prospective implications and start-up stage also stimulated me to share professional and ethical responsibilities as an engineer, making contributions to our community.

However, SLU doesn't offer an industrial engineering major. Following my interests, I believe the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign is a great place for me to achieve my professional goals. The excellent education system at UIUC will not only afford me opportunities to learn concepts in business-oriented disciplines, but also obtain practical experience in industrial engineering. Moreover, UIUC's environment, facilities and reputation in engineering will allow me to use my professional knowledge to give back to society. Utilizing skills learned in class, I will embark on a career where I can help manufacturers improve efficiency in productivity and optimize the integrated systems of various factors.

this is short version because of words limit. i want to think of a good starting sentence to grab attention. can anyone help me ? Also, you can point out any problems inside. Thank you!