was not qualified for the School of Engineering
was not enough to qualify
for the School of Engineering
As a Chinese student, the contrast in Industrial Engineering in China between prospective implications and start-up stage also stimulated me to share professional and ethical responsibilities as an engineer, making contributions to our community.
This long sentence didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. My suggestion would be to break it up into two sentences and rephrase slightly, so that the clarity is not lost.
Utilizing skills learned in class, I will embark on a career where I can help manufacturers improve efficiency in productivity and optimize the integrated systems of various factors.
This is all very good, but there is room for you to be more specific. Can you name a profession where you can utilize those skills?
I say this because optimization and improvement in efficiency are the basic principles of engineering. In other words, each and every type of engineer has to work keeping those principles in mind. It is up to you to make that distinction between industrial engineering and other branches of engineering.
Do you understand my point?