Writing Feedback / IELTS writing: should Art be ignored by the government? [4]

Hi everyone, i am new here, not english native speaker. i have being looking somewhere i can get my essay fixed for free since i can not afford to pay a tutor. i am so glad i found here. I appreciate if anyone can give your opinions about my writing whatever on grammar or the idea i express whether related to the topic or the spelling. I have the IELTS test coming up on this Saturday. So i appreciate if you can can comment ASAP, thanks. Here is the original of my writing which i finished it in 55 minuts(suppose to be finished in 40 minutes)

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Question: Some people think art such as painting and music can not improve the quality of people's life so the government should not spend money on them but the other fields. Do you agree or disagree?

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Physical needs of human being are fundamental in the real world. Food, evironment, living conditions and other physical things are crucial to an individual. However, when we talking about people who chasing a better quality living, we are not only talking about their physical needs but also their mental development. Art such as painting and music play a very important role of developing an individual's personal life. I would not agree that some people's suggestion that government should ignor the art developing but more focusing on the other fields. I would like to discuss my opinions in two main parts of how crucial art is to our society.

To begin with, I would like to say mental issues are every serious issues in this day and age. No matter from big issues like people suffering from economy collapse, high unemployment rate, cruel competition around to small issues such as divorce, violence in a single family, the depressure on people's shoulder is getting heavier and heavier. And all these factors would contribute to the collapse of an individual's mental health. Art, as we would consider a tool of helping people releasing from the outside world, should never be ignored. Also, it is a window to show the outside world of people's feeling of their inside world.

Another factor I would like to discuss is that art is a way we understand the history and also a way we would remain the present culture for the future. Certain age has its certain art. From thousands of years ago of the Maya age to the latest moment now, art such as painting and music is always a particular way of showing how the specific age of people live. We learn the ancient painting from the rock to understand what human beings have through during those thousands of years. We listen to the music to feel how the the ancient people feel.

In conclusion, art is a unseperatable part of any individual's life. Regardless people who are living in the palace or people who are living in the slum, art is a crucial part to support their mental health. Moreover, as a expression tool to the world, art should not be ignored.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: bad information in film books and internet should be controlled? [3]

This is my second try. cheers
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Some information in film books and on the internet has bad influence on young people and even on society. Some people think such information should be controlled. Give your opinion on both sides of this view.

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When an individual is searching the information from the media, whatever the type of the media like film books or the Internet is, he/she is searching on their own will. It means the information from the books or the Internet reflects the needs of the real world. It is undeniable that some information from those media has bad influence on young people. Hence, some people think such information should be supervised or banned. I would agree with this opinion. However, should we thinks a bit deeper about how we should act more responsbly in the real life instead of just simply banning those information from the media.

Information on the media reflects the needs of real world. We can not stop other people from searching the information whatever they need from the books or the Internet. However, a better way we would do is guiding people, especially young people, to search the right and useful information by using the media. Some information like pornography videos, sociopathic activities, violence or even racism from the film books or the internet could very easily make some impact on young people's mind who still might not have the capability to distinguish what is wrong and what is right. Obviously, those information should be controlled or supervised. But if the young generation is well educated, they may not even have a bit of interest to have a touch on them. Even if those information has been through people's mind, they are harmless.

Thinking a bit deeper, how does those information actract people, particular young people? I have to say that we are not living in a perfect world. There are problems like sex and drug abuse, violence, gun fighting happening around us everyday. Information from the media is just telling the fact that what happening around us. If young people are not well educated, they are very easily to get influenced. Consequently, they start to search the information from the internet or the books and try to act as what they have learned from the media. Hence, to set up a better education system is the priority that we should think about. No matter from in the family how to parenting to a government to set up a better education system, we should take responsibility of what has impacted on our offspring.

To sum up, controlling the bad information from the books or the Internet is a way to limit the bad influence on young people. But, essentially, the people in the real world should take more responsibility on how we should educate our young children.