huyijia92
Aug 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Beauty" -- express in a more descriptive way? brave and creative [5]
This is the first draft of my common app personal essay. I want to convey the theme that I am brave and creative enough to break the tradition, and succeed in what i am doing.
But I am really concern about the word choice and the way I express myself. Because I know that it would be much better if I use more descriptive sentence, but I'm just stucked there right now.
Especially those bolded sentences, I know they are way too general, making them sound boring.
Can anyone please help to make my essay sounds more lively and interesting, thank you!!!!! Also, can anyone please give some advice on the topic of this essay? Is it not representative enough?
Beauty?
Puffing, sighing, enduring the great pain of every single step, it was not little mermaid walking towards her prince with agonizing bliss filling her heart; it was I, toddling towards the migrant children school, with my red toes whining and wiggling in the extremely tight high heels.
I volunteered to be an English co-teacher here weeks ago; now, I finally got the chance to prove myself. The leader of this volunteering program said that if I can show my ability and enthusiasm in teaching the children, he would accept me as a volunteer. Thus here I was, tied up by my formal suit, fettered by my mother's polished high heels, hoping that the students can be attracted by my beauty and hence enjoy my class.
Beauty,
"DUCK, everyone, read with me, DUCK!" I tried to look professional and mimicked the typical Chinese teaching method the leader taught me, "Dress well so that the students will look up to you. Talk seriously so that the students will be afraid of you. These two rules apply especially well to a young teacher like you. If you ever try to be nice, these kids will think that you are gullible and will never pay attention in class anymore. Remember, when it comes to a young and inexperienced teacher like you are, appearance is almost everything". I carved her "kind" reminders in my heart. So I held my chins up, looked straight forward to avoid inappropriate eye contact with the students, and explained every new vocabulary in details to the wall in the other end of the class. However, class has begun for an hour, and the students are constantly yawning. Though eager to break the ice with my passion, I am distracted by the leader's reminder to maintain a serious manner, and the increasing pain in my grazed feet caused by the gorgeous high heels. Some students start nodding off, and the leader is evaluating my performance with a frown. With great trepidations, I realized that the children were not at all allured by my so-called beauty.
Transition. I kicked off my high heels and walked straight to the center of the classroom. Curious wide eyes turned to study me, twinkling with perplexity. "Since we are learning the names of different animals today, why not put what we have learned together and sing it out?" I felt my voice shivering, but I forced out a smile, "Old MacDonald has a farm, E I E I O, and on his farm he has some ducks..."As I sing, I flap my arms furiously like wings and waddle around the classroom. The leader raised her eyebrow. This is not what a traditional Chinese teacher would do in her class, but I have to try and appeal to the kids' playful side. Soon after, when I repeated the song a third time and mimicked different animals, the class burst into laughter. Students eagerly and enthusiastically join in this unique learning method. I look for the leader nervously, and surprisingly, she is dancing with the children.
Beauty!
"Hey everyone, morning!", a week later, I walk into the classroom again, "I will first share a story with you today: The Ugly Duckling!" The students cannot understand every detail, but as I exaggerated the story by varying my tone and acting it out, the students leaned forward and laughed. I looked down, and there is my shirt, my jeans and a pair of plain, worn sports shoes smiling at me.
This is the first draft of my common app personal essay. I want to convey the theme that I am brave and creative enough to break the tradition, and succeed in what i am doing.
But I am really concern about the word choice and the way I express myself. Because I know that it would be much better if I use more descriptive sentence, but I'm just stucked there right now.
Especially those bolded sentences, I know they are way too general, making them sound boring.
Can anyone please help to make my essay sounds more lively and interesting, thank you!!!!! Also, can anyone please give some advice on the topic of this essay? Is it not representative enough?
Beauty?
Puffing, sighing, enduring the great pain of every single step, it was not little mermaid walking towards her prince with agonizing bliss filling her heart; it was I, toddling towards the migrant children school, with my red toes whining and wiggling in the extremely tight high heels.
I volunteered to be an English co-teacher here weeks ago; now, I finally got the chance to prove myself. The leader of this volunteering program said that if I can show my ability and enthusiasm in teaching the children, he would accept me as a volunteer. Thus here I was, tied up by my formal suit, fettered by my mother's polished high heels, hoping that the students can be attracted by my beauty and hence enjoy my class.
Beauty,
"DUCK, everyone, read with me, DUCK!" I tried to look professional and mimicked the typical Chinese teaching method the leader taught me, "Dress well so that the students will look up to you. Talk seriously so that the students will be afraid of you. These two rules apply especially well to a young teacher like you. If you ever try to be nice, these kids will think that you are gullible and will never pay attention in class anymore. Remember, when it comes to a young and inexperienced teacher like you are, appearance is almost everything". I carved her "kind" reminders in my heart. So I held my chins up, looked straight forward to avoid inappropriate eye contact with the students, and explained every new vocabulary in details to the wall in the other end of the class. However, class has begun for an hour, and the students are constantly yawning. Though eager to break the ice with my passion, I am distracted by the leader's reminder to maintain a serious manner, and the increasing pain in my grazed feet caused by the gorgeous high heels. Some students start nodding off, and the leader is evaluating my performance with a frown. With great trepidations, I realized that the children were not at all allured by my so-called beauty.
Transition. I kicked off my high heels and walked straight to the center of the classroom. Curious wide eyes turned to study me, twinkling with perplexity. "Since we are learning the names of different animals today, why not put what we have learned together and sing it out?" I felt my voice shivering, but I forced out a smile, "Old MacDonald has a farm, E I E I O, and on his farm he has some ducks..."As I sing, I flap my arms furiously like wings and waddle around the classroom. The leader raised her eyebrow. This is not what a traditional Chinese teacher would do in her class, but I have to try and appeal to the kids' playful side. Soon after, when I repeated the song a third time and mimicked different animals, the class burst into laughter. Students eagerly and enthusiastically join in this unique learning method. I look for the leader nervously, and surprisingly, she is dancing with the children.
Beauty!
"Hey everyone, morning!", a week later, I walk into the classroom again, "I will first share a story with you today: The Ugly Duckling!" The students cannot understand every detail, but as I exaggerated the story by varying my tone and acting it out, the students leaned forward and laughed. I looked down, and there is my shirt, my jeans and a pair of plain, worn sports shoes smiling at me.