Undergraduate / "my brother made an intelligent choice" - Penn State personal statement [5]

you talk a lot about your brother in the essay. the start is great, you are introducing how you first came to know Penn State and how far back it goes.

I like the last paragraph as well where you refute the argument that you are applying merely because your brother was there.
I would put that sentence as the last sentence of your first paragraph.

Then, in your second paragraph give the reasons why want to apply to Penn State. Select two or three reasons and elaborate each more.
For example, it can be because you like business and the university will provide you with great education in the field due to its high caliber faculty, etc.

A second reason might be the activism of the student body and the number of clubs you can join. Here talk about how active you are and what you can add to the university.

You see my point. You just need to be more specific about why you want to apply and how your past experience will help you succeed.

Undergraduate / "Determination can help you achieve everything." - Describe the world you come from [4]

the essay is about YOU not your father. you need to show how the experiences of your father affected you and the decisions you made.

The start is great, I like how you provide the one value by which you live. Then you can put one sentence but one sentence only about the up-bringing of your father and how his experiences lead him to instil strong values in his children.

The second paragraph should elaborate on how YOU used those values to make important decisions in your life. Maybe discuss how it allowed you to study harder, or maybe be an accomplished athlete. Talk about your relationship to those around you, how you felt the need to help people, etc.

You seem like a very geniune caring person, show that.

Graduate / Significant experiences outside of your home country or culture (MBA Essay) [5]

Thanks!! No worries, you don't sound mean, I appreciate honesty! I updated it based your comments.

I only elaborated on one country because the word limit is 300. As you suggested it's important to show the implications that the experience had on me, so I preferred to focus on one only. Anyway, I changed the whole framing of the essay and mentioned that example in the context of my theme ("more objective perspective of my own country").

Here it goes - it's above the word limit but just wanted to get the take on the content and flow, and I will then trim down accordingly. Please let me know your thoughts.

A few months ago, I was having dinner with a group of friends in Lebanon when someone, in the context of the conversation, said: "yeah but anyway Lebanese are the smartest people and everyone knows that" - I was appalled. In my 25 years of living in Beirut, that sentence had never bothered me. People's behavior in Lebanon had not changed but my perception of it had completely turned around as I traveled the world and met people from diverse backgrounds, allowing me to look at my own culture from a more objective lens.

At 18, I left home to study abroad in the DC, meeting people from China to Chile. Learning about all these new cultures fascinated me. It was interesting to see how two countries as different as Indonesia and Brazil could actually have more in common than Argentina are Brazil. I started understanding the intricacies of cultures better, learned how to appreciate each, and improved my people's skills. I was able to adapt my communication style to different cultures.

As I came back to the region at 22, my ability to adapt internationally was put to test as I had to work in four different markets: Egypt, Kuwait, Syria and Nigeria. It was interesting to see the wide spectrum of cultures within the Arab world. The biggest chock I had was in Kuwait. I expected to see a very conservative patriarchal society but was impressed by the level of women's education and empowerment in the country. Many of the top position in companies were held by local women, and their role was ever expanding in the society, where they recently won four seats at the parliament. Our impression in Lebanon is that Arab-Gulf women were oppressed and that our society is by far the most open minded. However, reality showed, that while women in Kuwait worked hard to prove themselves, most middle and upper class women in Beirut just worried about their next lunch destination. Freedom and openness is not defined by appearances, but by actions.

The international experience I had really allowed to have a much more critical perspective of Lebanon. Why should I feel flattered that Carlos Slim or Shakira are originally Lebanese, when the people in my country cannot get along, when our politicians come from the same corrupt families that started the war, when we are deprived from very basic needs like electricity and water on a daily basis. I am proud to be Lebanese, but pride is seeing both the good and the bad, in the aim of collaboratively improving our situation.

The objectivity I gained from my international experience will allow me to add perspective to the existing diversity at the school. In addition, I will be able to contribute my knoweldge of business in Middle Eastern and African markets to the classroom. Finally, my open-mindedness will help me appreciate what my peers have to offer and I will collaborate with them in creating the international experience that the university has nurtured every year with students from across the globe.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: Center Stage [4]

I love your essay, it is so vivid, one of the most captivating essays I read.

I am not an English native speaker so will not critique the grammar, and will focus my comments on the content.

I think as it currently stands it doesn't fully answer the question. These are the things you need to add to make it perfect and be answering the question:

1- In which context did you act (at school, in some professional institution, etc.). I would replace "there is nothing like the feeling of being on stage" (it's a bit repetitive) with "Whichever stage I am on, at school or xxx or xx, I am always taken by the moment" or something of the sort. Basically, just say where you acted.

2- For how long have you been doing it: you add that to this sentence: "Each time I am on stage is the culmination of weeks..". Just start by: "For the past xx year I have been acting, each time I am on stage...".

3- How did your passion to acting help you in your daily life. Your conclusion needs to be changed. You can't say: "Then, all of a sudden, the lights fade and the curtain goes down. It's all over." Though I love the phrasing and it paints a beautiful picture, it doesn't do you good. It infers that your whole life is centered around acting which I am sure is not the case. You need to show you are a well rounded person with many interests. Maybe say that acting helped you better deal with real life situations, and communicate better with people since you're able to adapt and improvise fast.

Undergraduate / "living in a third world country" - significant experience [9]

How do these revisions take kayla's comments into account? I didn't feel there was any change between your first and second post.
I do happen to agree that the essay should focus on one experience only - it will significantly strengthen the structure and content.
Not to undermine your second experience, but elaborating on your first one would provide more opportunities to showcase your personality and what you learned from the experience.

In addition, it's important to have a concluding paragraph to show how this will help you with your studies.

Graduate / Significant experiences outside of your home country or culture (MBA Essay) [5]

If you have not read the essay yet, please use the one below, I made a few changes to it. Thanks!

A few months ago, I was having dinner with friends in Lebanon when someone, in the context of the conversation, said: "Lebanese are the smartest people and can succeed anywhere" - I was appalled. In my 25 years of living in Beirut, Lebanese strong feelings of superiority never bothered me. People's behaviour in Lebanon had not changed but my perception of it had completely turned around as I travelled the world and met people from diverse backgrounds, allowing me to look at my own culture from a more objective lens.

At 18, I left home to study abroad in the DC, meeting people from China to Chile. Learning about all these new cultures fascinated me. It was interesting to see how two countries as different as Indonesia and Brazil could actually have more in common than Argentina are Brazil. I started understanding the intricacies of cultures better, learned how to appreciate each, and improved my people's skills. By interacting with people from very diverse background, I was forced to adapt my communication style to others.

As I came back to the region at 22, my ability to adapt internationally was put to test as I had to work in four different markets: Egypt, Kuwait, Syria and Nigeria. It was interesting to see the wide spectrum of cultures within the Arab world. The biggest chock I had was in Kuwait. I expected to see a very conservative patriarchal society but was impressed by the level of women's education and empowerment in the country. Many of the top position in companies were held by local women, and their role was ever expanding in the society, where they recently won four seats at the parliament. Our impression in Lebanon is that Arab-Gulf women were oppressed and that our society is by far the most open minded in the Arab world. However, reality showed, that while women in Kuwait worked hard to prove themselves, most middle and upper class women in Beirut just worried about their next lunch destination. Freedom and openness is not defined by appearances, but by actions.

The international experience I had really allowed to have a much more critical perspective of Lebanon. Why should I feel flattered that Carlos Slim or Shakira are originally Lebanese, when the people in my country cannot get along, when our politicians come from the same corrupt families that started the war, when we are deprived from very basic needs like electricity and water on a daily basis, and worst of all, when a large number of Lebanese still mistreat migrant workers. I am proud to be Lebanese, but pride is seeing both the good and the bad, in the aim of collaboratively improving our situation.

The objectivity I gained from my international experience will allow me to add perspective to the existing diversity at the school. In addition, I will be able to contribute my knowledge of business in Middle Eastern and African markets to the classroom. Finally, my open-mindedness will help me appreciate what my peers have to offer and I will collaborate with them in creating the international experience that the university has nurtured every year with students from across the globe.