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Posts by idasuhaila
Joined: Sep 13, 2010
Last Post: Sep 20, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
From: Singapore

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idasuhaila   
Sep 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / "We are changing the world with technology." (Bill Gates) Is this true? [3]

"We are changing the world with technology." (Bill Gates) Is this true?

It is generally accepted that technology has changed the way of life in some developed and developing parts of the world but there are still a number of less developed areas left untouched and conserved of their traditional values and backward lifestyles. Hence, although it is acknowledged that technology has changed some things in various fields such as economic, social, medical and military, it can only do so to those who have access to technology. Richer nations are able to afford a myriad of technological equipments in order to compete in the globalizing world, whereas the poorer nations are at a disadvantage and are obliged to continue their work retrogressively. However, foreign aid in terms of technology has given these poorer nations an insight on the benefits and drawbacks that technology brings. Hence, despite the lack of revenue to invest in advanced technology, more poor nations are now experiencing the change that technology brings similar to their richer counterparts.

In the modern day, there is more empowerment for job opportunities through technological literacy. For the past few decades, career-driven women and homemakers have been striving to achieve equality and be given the same opportunities as men in terms of job distribution and societal ranking. This directly leads to more revenue for the economy as the workforce expands and includes women workers. Today, various development projects have promoted advocacy campaigns and recruited countless members. An example would be the eHomemakers, an advocacy project that uses information and technology to provide women with business skills and technical training that will help them become economically independent. It became so successful that the Canadian High Commission gave a grant to eHomemakers to publish a guidebook on their teachings and be distributed to various non-governmental organizations (NGOs) that help under-privileged women. With the help of technological literacy, women are now equipped with skills that gives them the confidence to seek work on their own.

Technology not only empowers women to build a reputation for themselves, but it also provides a platform for children to express their creativity and is a source of knowledge for their inquisitive minds. Foreign aid in terms of technology has helped children in the less developed countries to have access to adequate education and escape from the poverty cycle. The poverty cycle usually occurs to those who lack of education and is unable to seek a proper job. The one labtop per child (OLPC) project has enabled roughly 2 million children around the world, majority from Uruguay, Peru, Mexico, Rwanda, Haiti and United States, to have an educational opportunity that promotes self-empowered learning. The mission of the OLPC is for every child to have that opportunity to "become connected to each other, to the world and to a brighter future". By facilitating access to knowledge and education, technology has given most children an equal opportunity to lead better lives.

Today, improvements in the medical sector have lead to an increase in life expectations and a higher tolerance for being at a disadvantage. This is because a missing limb is not necessary a handicap because technology has allowed us to create a prosthesis, which is an artificial limb that replaces the old one and functions similarly. This creation has lead to many other ideas or alternatives of replacing human body parts and are the seeds of surrogate inventions which are currently still at their infancy stage. In addition, there is an increasing number of new vaccines introduced to protect the human race from extinction and sustain mankind. Vaccines of the latest H1N1 influenza are provided at various clinics all over the world in order to combat the highly contagious disease that caused widespread deterioration in health in 2009. This only goes to show that technological advancements have converted the world into a race for survival and instill excessive paranoia.

Despite bringing some benefits to the world, technology also has its drawbacks. Industrialisation has resulted in massive environmental degradation. Factories that manufacture high value-added products in order to produce labtops for the OLPC or the computers that sustain the eHomemakers recruits are also the same factories that pollute the atmosphere with their carbon emission and pollutants. Although Kalimantan strives to reforest the deforested areas using seeds of fast-growing tropical trees, the speed of recovery is not fast enough to keep up with the constant heavy logging needed for the Malaysian plywood industry. Due to widespread environmental degradation, various countries such as Indonesia, the United States and Australia are experiencing a needless toll of natural disasters. Hence, the same technology that is perceived to be a blessing to the world may also be a curse in disguise.

In conclusion, although we are desperately trying to change the world with technology by making it accessible and affordable, there are some drawbacks that we have to admit. It has made us more insecure of the existence of mankind in the long run. Hence we are consistently producing new vaccines, new inventions and new innovations to sustain our existence. In addition, despite our altruistic motivations to change the world into a better place, there are still those who misuse technology intentionally or unintentionally in order to gain profits as seen from the deforestation of Kalimantan. However, despite all this drawbacks, there is no denying that what Mr. Bill Gates said is mostly the truth and "we are changing the world with technology" and most probably still will in the future.

Criticisms and corrections are much welcomed! :)

This essay is due tomorrow and I just finished it(it's around 10+ at night) so it's a little messed up. But I hope you will still give me your opinions and feedbacks, so that when i get my essay back, i know what went wrong(besides doing it last minute). :)

Thank you!

-Ida

idasuhaila   
Sep 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / university students required to attend classes?; it should be their decision [6]

Hello. Here's my two-cents. =)

In order to have a substantial essay, you need to have balance and relevant examples. Your stand is clear but you still need to talk about both sides, the advantages and disadvantages. I know you've inserted some form of balanced opinion in the conclusion but having arguments and counter-arguments along the way would make your essay a much more enjoyable piece of writing.

Avoid using anecdotes as examples because anecdotes do not show that you have substantial evidence to support your argument. Giving examples from recognized sources would beef up your essay to make it seem more credible.

In my opinion, your way of writing is very colloquial. It seems a bit too informal for an essay. So... I don't know how you can improve that because everyone has their own unique way of writing essays. But you'll get used to the formal writing style once you practise writing more essays. =)

I hope the pointers I gave you help a lot. Keep on writing! ^^

-Ida
idasuhaila   
Sep 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / Students' academic performance strongly reflects their teachers' teaching performance. [8]

Hello.

I really like the flow of the essay. Coherence is something that differentiates the good essays from the less good ones.

However, you tend to use sweeping statements. No matter how obvious("DUH") the point is, try not to use words like 'apparently' or 'obviously' without proper consideration to start any statement. These words are also colloquial words which are more preferably used in speech, rather than in writing.

e.g. "It is obvious that higher quality of teaching brings better academic performance."

It is widely acknowledged that higher quality of teaching brings better academic performance.

It looks more credible and mature.

All right, other than that, the essay is fine. The points are well thought out. Good job on that. But if you wanna get an A+++++ essay, use more substantial and specific evidence, instead of just mentioning your high school. By the way, writing the name of your high school instead of just saying "my high school" would give it a more realistic edge.

That's just my two-cents. I'm still working on my grammar so I can't help you in that field. xD

Wish you all the best. ^^

-Ida
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