Undergraduate / IS this intro about Page 87 of your autobiography to strong and risky? [4]

I am applying to VCU and I am a little skeptical about using this introduction paragraph because I personally feel this is a little strong for the reader and it could become a turn off. I don't want to risk myself from getting rejected from this school because of my essay. So please give me feedback about this and let me know if I should keep it, revise it a little, or just trash it?

Prompt: Compose Page 87 of your autobiography. In this essay, you should be creative, considering where your life story would be at this point.

My Stomach quivers as I clench my jaw shut from regurgitation. The smell came off strong with a disturbing odor that I never smelled before. "Okay Cooper, go get the evidence kit and dust for prints around the broken window. I'll be here with the body waiting for the coroner's arrival." I glance up at the chief from the corner of my eye, I simply obliged his orders with a curt nod of the head and a "Sure thing, boss" response. I wince inwardly as I pass the lifeless body lying on the floor. "Such a shame, another victim of a heinous crime." I look up to see who said that, "The names Carl." I reach out to shake his hand "Kourtney, Nice to meet you Carl." I bend down to open up my kit and begin to put on my gloves. "So tell me about your self kid, where did you study?" I begin to take the cellophane tape, bristle brush and powder out of kit to begin my assignment. "Well I receive my degree at Virginia Commonwealth University in Criminal Justice: Crime Scene Investigation." I begin to sprinkle the powder over the ledge carefully to avoid contamination of any potential evidence I'm looking for. "Oh I see we have a smart one on our hands, I've seen some of the best coming out of that school. If your anything like what I've seen kid, you have one bright future." I look up to Carl "Oh Sir I am much more than that, I've study under the best by receiving the utmost superior education by nationally renown leaders in the field." I turn back to focus on my job, as my mind drifts off to my first memory of VCU. It all started when I received a big white envelope in the mail with the college's acronym posted on the top left corner.

Undergraduate / "feeding the homeless" - Personally Significant contribution in community [3]

What do you think of this essay personally? does it fully meet the requirements and is there any way i can improve this

Topic: In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you listed under ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP on this application. This personal statement is required. Since you are applying online, you must submit your statement with this application in the space provided.

Being heavily entailed in a community is an arduous job. Not only is one creating a balancing act between their studies but it shows that one is cable to manage time wisely to maneuver an effective service projects to benefit not only oneself but their community. Through the various activities that I am deeply involved in, feeding the homeless was the most consequential contribution I have ever committed thus far. Being an active member of my school's Key club provides myriads of opportunities to provide and assist to my community with equally committed peers with identical aspirations to enhance our community. By partaking in this event to provide for the citizens who suffer from poverty, it has provided educational experience not only morally but as well knowledgeably. By attaining insight of all circumstances by witnessing it on a first-hand base has allowed me to realistically observe all situations in life outside of my home and high school. Witnessing the grateful expressions on those less fortunate has allowed me to reevaluate and reflect on the typical normal minute possessions I wound generally neglect on the daily bases. This experience willingly forced me to become more appreciative of what life has provided. Assuring a commencing pledge from that vary experience to continue my journey to provide and assist my community but to also educate and stress to future generations the importance of community service activities. Not only will it affect oneself at the very moment but it can create a catalyst affect in the many lives of tomorrow.