Writing Feedback / ILLEGAL ENTRANCE - An Incident From my Life [3]

ILLEGAL ENTRANCE

I saw the golden sand on the ground and the shining see. I was very excited. I waited all year for this time, to enter the club which is our meeting point all summer long and one of my favorite place. As my friend got his club card out I was shocked. I remembered that my parents didn't sign me up for the club. Without this club my summer would be the worst summer of my life but there was nothing I could do. Rules were very clear: "You must have a club card to enter the club!" I told my friend that I didn't have a card so we went back.

I felt very upset and hopeless. My friend requested going to a public beach. There was nothing else to do so I accept it. First we went into the sea; it was very cold, so we couldn't stay in long. After we got out, we lay on the beach and chatted. After a while we both got bored so we started to think of new things to do. I looked around, saw couple of horse carriages and then, I saw the club. It looked beautiful. Then suddenly, an idea came up to my mind. I thought I could swim to the shore of the club.

It was not very far, probably a ten-minute swim maximum I thought. I told my friend and he said I could be caught by someone. I first thought about what I should do. If someone caught me, I probably wouldn't be able to become a member. It looked impossible to make it but I think I should try, for a better summer. I gave my t-shirt and my flip-flops to my friend and got into the sea. The sea felt colder than ever and the club seemed so far. I looked for a second and thought I wouldn't make it. I was more pessimistic than ever. When I turned around to get out I saw my friend had gone. Now I had no choice. I must make it, I thought. I started to swim and I speed up. I'm sure that regardless of whether or not I was a good swimmer or loved swimming, I wouldn't be that confident. I didn't feel cold anymore and so I continued swimming without lifting my head above the water. I could see some fish swimming with me and I felt good actually. Just the idea of getting in the club and saw all my friends together gave me chills. When I looked up to see how far I was away from the club, I saw I was very close. I looked up and saw people looking at me. I didn't see my friend and I continued swimming, hoping no employee was around. A few minutes later I reached the club and climbed onto the pier. Then I ran very fast into the crowd through the glances of other people. I didn't care what others think, I felt like a hero, now my summer would be amazing I thought.

I found my friend wore my t-shirt and I told my other friends how I swam and they were thrilled. After this incident I got my self confidence back and I spend my best summer ever. I knew what I did was wrong, but it was a very important step in my life which made me braver and more confident.

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Rubric:
Originality __/5
Introduction __/3
Conflict __/3
Rising action __/3
Climax __/3
Resolution __/3
Significance __/5
Voice and Style __/10
Vocabulary __/5

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I will give this essay tomorrow, it is graded as an exam so please be good about it :) Thanks a lot!