Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by amyfu215
Joined: Nov 27, 2010
Last Post: Nov 28, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 1  
From: United States

Displayed posts: 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
amyfu215   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Food, water, shelter." - Cornell's College of Chemical Engineering [2]

Hello! The prompt from Cornell's College of Engineering supplement essay is:

Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.

My essay's pretty scatterbrained and random, and probably not interesting enough. First draft as well. All (helpful) critique is appreciated! I'd be happy to edit others' essays too, just ask. :)

It's supposed to be 500 words or under. I have ~615, which can be pretty easily remedied.

Food, water, shelter. Every day, our most essential and indispensible needs pass through the hands of a million miniscule security officers: chemicals. With a highly discriminatory eye, they kill bacterial intruders and stand guard, working diligently to ensure our safety. They are everywhere, expanding from the atomic building blocks of life to DNA, the code of life itself, and as humans, we are constantly being thrust in their presence. Unfortunately, our human tendency for error ensures that there will be the occasion where our chemical safeguards becomes unfavorable nuisances and quick action will be necessary to halt a oncoming threat. One such incident of chemical mishap involving the China's deadly melamine-contaminated milk powder bred inspiration from disaster, and thus, my junior year science fair project was born.

Hours of experimentation taught me this: First-hand experience beat any lesson out of my AP chemistry textbook. While preliminary trials introduced me to the distinctively noxious scent of toluene and the white precipitants of the melamine and sulfuric acid combination, repeated trials of mixing and diluting in the research lab taught me the careful precision and the patient persistence chemistry requires. I had only been briefly introduced to this kind of sorcery in my weekly chemistry labs, and as the possibilities of chemistry grew for me, so did my passion. It was the engineering side of my project, however, that truly captured my inquisitive tendencies, causing me to question why an instrument functioned to a certain degree of precision or why certain chemical properties governed the procedures that I had taken. In the midst of the Science and Engineering Fair of Houston, I found myself pondering the setbacks that I came across during experimentation, governed by the molecular properties of the chemicals that I had used. That same questioning mindset that drew me to chemical engineering now perpetuated my nagging thoughts...instead of using an organic chemical like ethylene glycol, should I have used a substance with a smaller particle size? Or perhaps first used a centrifuge? I didn't know the answer yet, but I vowed to in time. In short, I needed the careful guidance of the research institution of Cornell.

Flipping through the rainbow of college brochures, I am drawn to Cornell's open and optimistic "any person, any study" attitude. Cornell seems less intimidating and more like a wise mentor, with the distinguished appearance that only a institution of its long-standing merit can obtain. I see myself, engaged in discussion during the Microchemical and Microfluidic Systems class, learning about chemical mixtures on a smaller scale, a concept critical to the quality control industry. I picture myself as a part of the American Institute of Chemical Engineers at Cornell, engaging in partnerships with students of the same ambitious plans that I have. I want to travel to Tsinghua University in Beijing, equipped with a research grant to test my procedure with tangible evidence, to truly finish what I have started. Perhaps it began with a bit of cultural attentiveness, but wherever I am, I want to be advancing the health of my fellow humans.

In a world like the one we live in, it is hard to ignore the impact that chemicals have had on each of our lives. My own Houstonian community owes its prosperity to the chemical engineers that have refined the plants and processes of the petroleum industry, and in its optimistic and caring individuals, I see the benefits being put to good use. I aim to achieve that same positive influence working in the quality control industry. The possibilities have laid themselves in front of me, and I can only ask of my wise mentor Cornell, to start me on that path to achievement.
amyfu215   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "My Morning Jacket and my voice" (Essays for USC) [6]

Thanks for editing my essay! I wasn't sure how nit-picky to be in my critique, but i hope this helps! :)

poetry and literature is.

"poetry and literature are"

Most poetry is well-crafted; they overwhelm the reader with imagery,

Instead of they, use "it overwhelms"

Maybe for the first essay, get into your personal experience earlier on. The first part is a tad common, but you do a good job of transitioning on into the second, more specific paragraph.

The whole first essay is very cohesive and thorough. It is slightly typical as you said, but a solid essay overall.

For your second essay, I am looking at the new corrections you made.

which is why I decided to perform "I'm Amazed"

Maybe include a bit of an explanation of "I'm Amazed"? There's not quite a connection between the first line where you mention the song you performed, and later when you talk about the artist. The judges might not be familiar with the song. Or it could just be me.

The advent of technology and AutoTune software has removed authenticity in music. The music industry is transforming into an industry of vanity, where more effort is poured into promoting the artist's image and securing a place on the Billboard Top 100 than into writing and composing the music.

Maybe make this flow a bit more, these two sentences sound a bit choppy. Change the beginnings?

Good use of solid evidence and details about the artist. I really liked your transition of ideas, and I think that your edits made your essay better and more positive sounding. I agree, I think you should use your second essay.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳