Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

Some minor feedback: is there a specific organization that was in charge of your independent study? This might help personalize your experience? You have independent study capitalized and I was thinking it probably should not be capitalized. Also, your compelling point is that IS changed your mindset and made you into the individual you are? I would try a small anecodote or something along those lines to include. I understand you're using the second prompt with less words, so if you can't that's understandable.

I found a great flaw: (I think it needs a semi-colon) I lacked the ability to be truly self-sufficient

Hopefully some of this helps! Good luck!

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2: music, patience, cooperation, teamwork - personal talent/quality [4]

Just a structural commment: when you list your three character traits describing you I would place them in order which they appear. For the first sentence you might want to combine the first and second because the first is not a complete sentence. (Unless, you were using it to grab the attention of the reader?) Where is the cooperation and teamwork? Is the reader supposed to infer from this? I am not sure what you're trying to say here?

Undergraduate / "intrigued how law works" - Why I want to be a Lawyer (intended major) [4]

Volunteered

I would focus on your experience at the attorney's office as it highlights the "experience" portion of the prompt. Also, why do you want to become a defense attorney specifically? It seems a little muddled because you say "attorney" and then lawyer and do not specify the type or the reasoning behind it. If you focus on the volunteer work it shows a clear interest. Just some ideas.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Self centered - Princeton - person who has influenced you [6]

"most well meaningful"- I would change to meaningful

It sounds sort of like a complaint more than insightfulness about yourself especially "blaming" your mother. I could be wrong, but you are trying to show that your friend's comment "miraculously" changed you?

Undergraduate / "Independence helped me achieve higher grades" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

I would take out the first sentence. It does not matter what other people think, the admissions officers need to glean information from your essay not be told what to think.

Undergraduate / Self centered - Princeton - person who has influenced you [6]

I would try some concrete examples of how you are changing instead of using ideas of others such as Darwin. It shows that you're intelligent, but I don't see how that encompasses you as a person. My comment about your essay being a complaint is that if your friend did not say anything would you automatically live your life the same way? Either way you should be the one in charge of that change not someone else, but you are using it to introduce the subject matter, correct? Perhaps you could discuss how your mom is a positive influence in your life or how you are motivated to not follow her path.