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Posts by asdfasdf
Joined: Dec 23, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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asdfasdf   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "the epitome of quitting in a cross-country race" Common App- Significant Achievement [4]

Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I could feel the excessive perspiration on my hands building up as the gray-haired, overweight man held his gun in his right hand. My heart was racing rapidly as he slowly raised the gun in the air. It was only a matter of seconds until he pulled the trigger. Goosebumps blanketed my arms and legs as the cool, crisp wind brushed against my skin. The second he fired the gun, a hoard of high school students ran their absolute hardest, including me.

It was my last opportunity to break my personal record, run a 5k race with my team, and prove to myself that I was fully capable of finishing one of the most challenging and painful cross-country courses. As soon as I heard the gun shot fired by the official, I stepped over the starting line and bolted my way up to the front of the pack.

One-third into the course, my arms and legs began to ache as I ran on the rocky, muddy paths. My throat burned as if it was on fire from dehydration and the chilly weather. My mind went completely blank and my breathing was getting heavier and heavier. My competitors were passing me by as I gradually slowed down. I wanted to walk for a couple of minutes to control my breathing, but I knew I would have regretted that decision later. Walking was the epitome of quitting in a cross-country race. It showed the lack of motivation, confidence and perseverance a long-distance runner had. It displayed the absence of ambition, endurance, and dedication in a competitor. But most of all, walking in the middle of a race meant apathy, which brought disappointment to the team and the coaches. Trying to avoid this uncaring attitude, I continued to run on the harsh, bumpy paths.

Twelve minutes passed and I had 400 meters left to go and two minutes to break my fastest time. I gained my speed and momentum as I charged up the steep, grass hills. The obnoxious cowbells, zealous crowd, and encouraging chants and cheers boosted my agility, which allowed me to run quicker. As soon as I saw the red finish line, I sprinted with all the energy I had left in my body and beat my personal record.

The moment I finished the race, all the excruciating pain disappeared. The endless early morning practices and vigorous workouts in the scorching, humid weather seemed worth my time. I felt a sense of achievement not only because I fulfilled my goals during the race, but also because I learned the significance of teamwork. Although I ran independently on my own pace, I made prudent choices throughout the race that advanced my team. Even though I did not place, I endured the pain and continued the race without walking. I chose to be a committed team player rather than an apathetic walker.
asdfasdf   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "don't make me feign laugher" - Stanford Roommate Prompt [3]

You do a good job of describing yourself, but a lot of your sentences are run-ons and lists.

I think you could break this sentence up into two or three.
"What appears to be a colorful, almost disorienting array on my computer desktop is actually a collection of essays, poems, and reports I have written since middle school, categorized into different subjects and styles and grouped into larger folders by grade, and of small word documents bookmarking interesting websites, listing important dates, and at random intervals inserting bits and pieces of unrelated but thought-provoking ideas that I could implement or perhaps, depending on their quality and my personal preference, force into my next analysis paper."
asdfasdf   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Alec's suicide" - significant event, Common App [13]

This essay is probably the best one I've seen so far.
It captured my attention the whole time, but I agree with everyone else
in that it's way too long. Try to cut it down to at least 750 words.

And I don't think you should use second person in the last paragraph.
"When you receive this essay, it will have been eleven months since Alec's suicide." It's a bold statement but it's also informal.

Good luck!
I hope you can read my essay too!
asdfasdf   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Chicago- Favorite book and author-Moby-Dick [4]

This is really well written but I think you should relate it more to yourself.
It seemed like the majority of your essay was summarizing the book.
Maybe you can talk about in what other ways it has impacted you.

Good luck!
It'd be great if you read my essay too
asdfasdf   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "yes we can" - UVA FAV WORD-YES [6]

This word was included in the most popular phrase during the 2008 presidential election stated by Obama, "yes we can". Without this word, the statement would lack direction and assertion. Potential voters would not have as much faith in the candidate because the phrase would not be as effective and enticing. It has one syllable, three letters, and one meaning. Yes. This word may sound simple, but there is an infinite number of ways to use it. It can be used to express excitement, curiosity, or hesitation. It can be used to respond to a question. It can also be used to acknowledge a significant statement. The prominence of the word yes goes beyond its definition of affirmative response. This word gives me hope and confidence to continue to strive for my goals, whether it's as minor as finishing a book or as eminent as finalizing this supplement. Hearing the word yes relieves all my doubts and allows me to breathe comfortably without any stress because it is the key to receiving permission. Knowing that this word will bring exuberance to another, I quickly respond with a yes to their question hoping it'll enliven their mood. Yes is a word that not only encourages me to hold on to my aspirations, but also mitigates my negative thoughts and apprehensions. This powerful word initiates the creativity I seek, the adventures I plan to take, and the innovations I would like to accomplish.
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