Posts by Eccentri

Eccentri

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "my parents came to this country as Hispanic immigrants" - College Essay [2]

You need to review for grammatical mistakes like when you state "I end my senior year with", it leads one to ask if you have ended your senior year or if you are going to end you senior year. If you're talking about the future, then maybe you should rephrase it so as to say 'When I end my senior year', 'I will end my senior year' or something along those lines. Also, in a formal essay, for numbers under ten you should spell them out like "three" rather than putting them in their numeral form. A few things to work on are putting commas in the right places, as some of your sentences do not make sense, take "Tears spilled from my face every time school ended frustrated with the fact I couldn't be like everyone else.", now this sentence is just missing a comma to make it grammatically correct and completely coherent, as inferring can lead the reader to understand what you're saying. "Tears spilled from my face every time school ended, frustrated with the fact I couldn't be like everyone else." This is more coherent and the reader will be able to understand without having to infer too much.

Other than grammatical mistakes I believe that your essay is touching.

Eccentri

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Sydney, just give her a chance." -Brown: What is the best piece of advice [3]

As I would assume that a college application essay is a formal essay, I would avoid the usage of contractions unless you're desperate to remain under a certain word limit and are very close to that limit. While your introduction is good and captures my own attention, you might want to consider if you're allowed to address the reader or not, if not, just mildly edit the introduction. If you are, then you're set, it's a great start to an essay. On a side note, you may want to edit the way you phrase the paragraph about Sydney and her parents a little bit, unless you prefer the way you phrased it.

Eccentri

Dec 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Work for NASA + innovative eccentric + honors science student + tech - fit for SEAP? [2]

I have to write four essays for this program and I don't think that any of them are up to the standards necessary to be accepted. I would really appreciate the help on grammar, details, focus, anything really!

1. "Describe your career goals and in which way this program would help you fulfill them." - 5000 characters
Throughout my life I have always been aware of one thing. My strength lies in mathematics and science, it always has, and always will. As a result I decided at the beginning of my high school career that I wanted to become a scientist, but I was unaware as to what I wanted to be. As of now, I have narrowed it down to two choices, a high-energy astrophysicist or an aerospace engineer, although, I am leaning more towards becoming a high-energy astrophysicist than an engineer, but both are viable options. As I am pretty sure I would like to go into astrophysics, in the future, after obtaining my doctorate in astrophysics, I would like to work for NASA, and I believe that the Science and Engineering Apprenticeship Program will help prepare me for the expectations conditions that the government has for its employees. After deliberating, I have come to the conclusion that the Science and Engineering Apprenticeship Program will help me obtain a invaluable amount of experience and build up a repertoire of skills that will be necessary in the future. I believe that the Science and Engineering Apprenticeship Program will help me distinguish which field I would rather go into, or rather, confirm my belief that I would prefer high-energy astrophysics to engineering, not matter how exciting both fields are. To my understanding, the Science and Engineering Apprenticeship Program is a valuable opportunity that can help open some doors in my future and provide the experience necessary to help me adjust to the demands that scientists face from their jobs and the demand for new information.

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2. "Describe any special interest you have that would make you a valuable participant. You can also describe any awards or honors you have received." - 2000 characters

At times I am called eccentric, but I prefer to think of myself as innovative. I have a healthy interest in all fields of science and would love the chance to be able to mix them together. However, I find that I have a heightened interest in biology and physics, two fields that supposedly "shouldn't be combined" as they are completely different math levels. I would really love to be able to learn a bit about biophysics; however, I am fascinated by the mysteries that theoretical and practical astrophysics offer. I have always been fascinated as to why the universe is how it is and why we can't seem to detect dark matter, among other things. I strive to understand as much as I can and maintain academic excellence, participating in six honors societies, two of which are math and science, and keeping my grade point average over a 4.0 my entire high school career.

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3. "Describe any research experience you may have in relation to this program." - 5000 characters
As a honors science student, every year we are required to do independent research projects. And, depending on the teacher, we are assigned a different project every year.

As a honors science student, every year we are required to do independent research projects. And, depending on the teacher, we are assigned a different project every year.

In my freshman year we had to complete a life science project, so I decided to test the effect of three different biotic compounds when mixed with soil on the plant's growth. I had three plants of the same species (trials) for every soil composition, the dependent variable was plant growth while the independent variable was the compound mixed in the soil. The compounds mixed in the soil were top soil, a compost made from leaves, and ash, with the control being the plants that had no separate compound mixed inside it. Of course there had to be constants, as changing more than one variable would make the results inaccurate, so to prevent such things from happening, I kept all the plants in a room that was about sixty five degrees Fahrenheit, or about eighteen degrees Celsius, under about twelve hours of light a day to simulate the outside world and gave each plant the same amount of water every other day. After about three months, the end result was that the ash mixture worked the best, resulting in about a two centimeter difference in the growth, while compost and tops soil were about the same growth and the control having the least growth.

My sophomore year, I had the choice of three different contests, and chose the NASA Art Competition, and had to research the moon and what would be necessary to create a way to live and work on the moon. At the time, I had no interest in understanding the composition of the building and such, and heavily regret that now. However, I did a lot of research on the temperature that astronauts have to face and the projects for newer, less heavy suits, called "bio-suits". However, I chose to go with a more realistic suit that is currently being used when I rendered my drawing. I imagined, as the moon gets its light from reflecting light from the sun, that if there were solar panels installed, it would provide a virtually limitless supply of energy for those living and working there to use.

Currently, as a high school junior, I am researching graphene with a group of my peers. As our teacher does not want us to conduct an actual experiment like years prior, we spend much of our time for the project researching graphene, as there is a very ambiguous history despite the 2010 Nobel Prize for Physics was won by Andre Geim and Konstantin Novoselov for research on it. As a group we have to cover the history of graphene, its current state, what we envision its state to be like in ten to twenty years, breakthroughs that would have to occur in order for the state we envision to be possible, consequences that graphene has, and create a working bibliography and abstract, as well as simulated web graphics for the paper.

I am currently involved in VASTS, known as the Virginia Aerospace and Technology Scholars Program program, which is federally supported by NASA and state supported by the Virgina Space Grant, it requires the participants enrolled to solve engineering problems, physics, de-orbit burns, write about career summaries, engineering ethics, and simulate vehicular designs for the program. As this only in the first five weeks, there are many possibilities for the remainder of the course.

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4. "Describe any technical skills you may have, related to the science and engineering disciplines." -5000 characters
As an inexperienced student, it is hard to say what are my technical skills. However, I can follow diagrams and instructions to the letter if given a set to follow. An odd skill I have is that I am able to convert between the English and Metric systems with relative ease, a little more practice with certain conversions and I will soon be able to convert between the two systems with a higher level of proficiency. I have a rudimentary understanding of technical drawing and am able to do such drawings if given a set of guidelines and a key of symbols to go by.

A regular computer user and student, I often have to use the applications of Microsoft Office for school assignments, allowing me to handle them with ease and proficiency. My siblings have often called me "technologically illiterate", and I know that it will be a large part of my job in the future, so I have recently started to learn how to program in Java and hope that with enough time and practice I will be able to program with a decent amount of efficiency.

Eccentri

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "admission to the Tajik- Turkish high school" - significant challenge MIT [4]

admission to the Tajik- Turkish high school

This should be "admission to the Tajik - a Turkish high school."
As most college essays could be considered as formal essays, I would change the 3-4, etc. to three to four rather than leaving them in their numeral form.

science subjects-in English.

I would suggest making the hyphen a space, as you didn't do the same earlier in the sentence.

memorizing poems of classic Farsi poets

This is rather redundant, why not change it to "memorizing classic Farsi poems"? You go down in the word count and sound more concise.

I started to face difficulties with my Tajik language and literature classes, especially, as some changes were introduced into the literary Tajik language during last seven-ten years

The hyphen really shouldn't be there. Try "seven to ten" and why not try "I faced difficulties with my Tajik language and literature classes especially, as changes had been made in the literary Tajik language in the last seven to ten years." instead of what you currently have there.

At the beginning it was very difficult but as time passed I could better understand all those hidden meanings of poems and prose, as if transgressing to the same time with poet.

I suggest adding a comma between "difficult" and "but" and changing "those" to the.
The whole

I got 5 from Tajik and Tajik literature.

is rather confusing, is there a different grading scale. Maybe say five out of five or whatever number it's out of.
Also, you are over your word limit by eight words, so these revisions add to that word count, so I suggest taking out a few words in one spot and replacing them with a lesser amount of words to describe the same thing.

Other than that I think that you have a great essay topic and delivery.

Eccentri

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "You are born to be a roommate of a weirdo" - Stanford Roommate [6]

Oh quite the internal whining!

Is this supposed to be "quit the internal whining"?

question faith why do this to you

You may want to rephrase this a little bit, maybe to "why did faith do this to you?"

boggler

Do you mean burglar?

You are welcomed

I believe this should be "You are welcome"

clicked, I don't feel secured

While "clicked" is grammatically correct, you should change "secured" to secure.

If I annoy you in anyway, let it be my talking or my abnormal habits, don't be afraid to tell me.

I think you should rephrase this, change "let it be", to "be it" or something along those lines. Abnormal has a bit of a negative connotation to it, why not change it to eccentric?