Undergraduate / "a fatal mistake" - CommonApp Essay 1 [5]


A sound cannot resonate across a hall, it can only resonate with...I think the correct sentence should read like this:

..bright sounds that echoed across the concert hall...

instead of resonated.

I think you've done a very good job with keeping the reader hooked. However, I am having trouble with seeing how this experience has impacted you. Are you trying to say that just because you were able to adapt a melody, you are now able to climb mountains? I personally feel that the experience pertains to more about not admitting defeat, rather than determination.

Determination is not the key to covering a mistake such as playing the wrong chord; impulse is.

You want to come across as a sharp, creative and quick thinker and not someone who has had a sudden ego boost.

You're achievement of winning gold is significant to you, but perhaps you could tailor your essay to make it sound as if it was your ability to make that sudden comeback that most made you proud. That would show that you are intrinsically motivated, more than you are extrinsically.

lol, sorry if I sound too blunt/harsh/just plain crone-like ;p but these are just some critiques I thought might be helpful..

Overall, great essay! Im sure the adcoms would be able to immediately sniff out how authentic and sincere you sound!

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Statment of purpose for SCAD; Photography [2]

Hi there Jenn! From what I can see, your content is there but your presentation requires some work.

If I were you Id introduce the fact that you're working on your film certificate first and then follow up with what got you interested in photography and what interests you about it the most.

Also, your opening could use some flavor. I would suggest perhaps painting a picture (pun intended) for the reader to see how you are able to capture emotions and textures of the pictures you take. Something like a mini story in the beginning, maybe of you admiring a picture you took earlier in the morning of a beautiful sunset.

Whenever I'm working in photography and look at some of my finished work I feel like I turn into a little kid and get all giddy over it because I surprise my self every time, when I have to show my work I always end up blushing because I've never had any training before, and when they like it I still blush its just has smile going along with it or if they give me pointers or say that I need to change this or that I listen so I know what to do next time.

This part sounds a tad childish to me. I get what you're trying to say, but perhaps you could approach the content differently. Giddy would most definitely not be the word. You could say that when you look at the pictures you take, you suddenly become "child-like" and cannot stop admiring and showing off your pictures, just like a preschooler would do with an art project he adores. As for the part where you say you blush, you could replace it by saying that their compliments motivate you to become a better photographer. You could relate this to your "child-like" behavior by saying that this makes you to seek their approval time and time again. Although I have never stepped foot into the world of photography, I think this would show the reader that as a photographer, you place importance on what the public thinks of your work, and not just your own thoughts.

This sentence needs some repair:

I have chosen Photography as my major because I enjoy being able to capture a moment forever in a photograph.

You could replace it with something like this:
I have chosen photography as my major because I enjoy capturing priceless moments on film, allowing them to freeze in time

Hope that helps!

I'm slightly new to contributing here so moderators, please check my suggestions for Jenn's sake :)

Undergraduate / Difficult Adversity Essay, "each of these patients helps me grow professionally" [3]

Your essay is very insightful into the life of a doctor. I would say you did a good job overall. However, a few suggestions:

When talk about how cynical Dorothy is, when she criticizes you, it would do your essay good if you inserted a couple of conversational examples of what she said and your reaction to it. That would give the reader a more vivid image of what went on.

I know this essay is supposed to be about you and how you feel, but the last paragraph sounds like a turn-off to me. You admit that you dissapoint people and seem to not be able to do anything about it. You highlight the "bad aspects" of your job. The reader may not be very impressed and may think you have simply settled for this field out of an obligation. I would phrase it a little differently.

I would say that although Dorothy was difficult and her angst may have sourced from a mix of personal and medical factors, I still feel that I did all I could to connect with her as a patient. You treated her with care, and did not discriminate her based on her unpleasant attitude. Unfortunately, she was transferred and while you are sorry you were unsuccessful in breaking the barrier, you knew you did your job as a doctor. Of course, you accepted the fact that patients are difficult, but you realized that the best solution is to continue to act out of professional love, an ability innate to a doctor.

Hope that helps!

Undergraduate / Fathers try to have a direct effect on their children- UT(Impact Person) [5]

Your essay is interesting and has a good flow. However I feel that the beginning part ruins the flow of your work.

I would scrap the part about the direct way of affecting people, and begin with the indirect method of affecting people. You could mention that while this method is uncommon and often taken for granted or missed, you were lucky enough to open your eyes to the impact your father's life had on you.

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Otherwise, great job!

Undergraduate / Coffee seed, coffee tree and Starbucks - Common apps: topic of your choice [7]

Hi there,

I must say that your essay is one of the best Ive come across in a long time! What a unique way to present yourself and a job well done! I think the people at admissions will enjoy this one :)

Your english is good throughout. Just one correction I would like to point out

Rumors were that a beast had carried his friends away, one by one.

Rumors cant say things...I would think...

Good Luck!