Hello people!
Any type of productive feedback welcome!
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Frankly, I think they're better than the ones that my English tutor gives.
Anyway, here is the modified version:
I slowly approached the piano after my name was called. Suddenly, sweat was trickling down my neck, my heart was racing, and every muscle in my body was trembling. As I sat down, my hands were shaking. Taking deep, slow breaths, reminding myself of pleasant experiences, my perspiring body began to settle and I placed my now still hands onto the shiny, black and white keys. Having only won a silver medal in my previous competition, I was prepared to use every ounce of effort to push the limits of my ability and win the gold medal.
The first note could not have sounded better. It was a sweet, bright sound that echoed across the concert hall and should have impressed the audience. As the song progressed, the scales were flowing smoothly, the melodies sounded operatic and everybody in the theater was smiling. For a moment, the concert hall was mine. I was able to imagine my own paradise. The trills and staccatos were like chirping birds and the smooth scales resembled the calmly flowing river. Suddenly, towards the end of the music, my paradise was destroyed.
It took a moment for me to realize that I had made a fatal mistake. I had played the wrong chord. The collision of notes sounded sinister and grotesque. For a moment, I stopped playing and the concert hall went deadly silent. Thoughts were racing through my mind. What would happen if I gave up here? What would happen if I succumbed to defeat? How could I allow a single mistake to cost me the gold? I realized that only a coward would back down instantly. Improvising instinctively, I compensated for my mistake, adapting the melody. As I saw smiles on the faces of the spectators, I knew that the audience and adjudicator had forgiven me for my slip up. Getting back into my rhythm and knowing I was only a page away from the final bars, every fiber of my body strove for victory.
When the adjudicator was ready to announce the rankings, I looked as if I was drenched in rain. Because of the fatal mistake, I was worried that I might not get any medal this time. Even when I realized that I was not 3rd place, I still remained hopeful. However, when the adjudicator announced another competitor's name for 2nd place, my soul was torn apart. I could not imagine restarting from the beginning and waiting for another year. By now, all my hopes for the gold had evaporated. However, when the adjudicator announced that I was 1st, I went out to claim my medal in a jubilant mood.
Winning the competition was one of the highlights of my life. Ever since I started banging the black and white keys at the age of four, I wanted to measure myself against the top young pianists in Hong Kong. I felt proud of myself for achieving that goal after hours and hours of practice and myriad setbacks. However, what made me feel even more proud was my ability to make sudden comebacks and compensate for mistakes. From this day onwards, I knew that I would never be the same. Whenever I came across a challenge, such as climbing the tallest mountain in Hong Kong, I would think back to that competition and draw on the same focus, resilience, and imagination that I had relied on to excel at piano.
Please tell me if i need more corrections :D
It was a sweet, bright sound that resonated across the concert hall and should have impressed the audience.
A sound cannot resonate across a hall, it can only resonate with...I think the correct sentence should read like this:
..bright sounds that echoed across the concert hall...instead of resonated.
I think you've done a very good job with keeping the reader hooked. However, I am having trouble with seeing how this experience has impacted you. Are you trying to say that just because you were able to adapt a melody, you are now able to climb mountains? I personally feel that the experience pertains to more about not admitting defeat, rather than determination.
Determination is not the key to covering a mistake such as playing the wrong chord; impulse is.
You want to come across as a sharp, creative and quick thinker and not someone who has had a sudden ego boost.
You're achievement of winning gold is significant to you, but perhaps you could tailor your essay to make it sound as if it was your ability to make that sudden comeback that most made you proud. That would show that you are intrinsically motivated, more than you are extrinsically.
lol, sorry if I sound too blunt/harsh/just plain crone-like ;p but these are just some critiques I thought might be helpful..
Overall, great essay! Im sure the adcoms would be able to immediately sniff out how authentic and sincere you sound!
Wow, I can see that skill at the piano can make someone write with rhythm, too. This essay seems to reflect your music...
maverick288, your criticisms are not harsh... it's just a matter of helping each other find the right words. Maybe "determination" is the wrong word for covering up a mistake, so it should be changed to "focus."
Here is one improvement:
Winning the competition was one of the highlights of my life. Ever since I started banging the black and white keys at the age of four, I wanted to measure myself against the top young pianists in Hong Kong. I felt proud of myself for achieving that goal after hours and hours of practice and fatal setbacks.
Yes, awesome. If your music is as deep as your writing, you must be great. Be sure to record your music, so the little creations do not slip away. You can plug a mic into the computer.
Try this suggestion:
The trills and staccatos were like chirping birds, and the smooth scales were like rivers flowing .
