Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by giraffekungfu
Joined: Jan 1, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
giraffekungfu   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "New era of personal recognition" CommonApp Essay [4]

Wow, interesting topic.

I read the "What race is TJ" first in the essay when I accidentally skipped over the first line. I think I sounds better that way, since the first line seems a bit awkward, both grammatically and in terms of placement.
giraffekungfu   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Bosnia Significant Experience; I was guilty of imposing my convictions [9]

Wow, this is an very intriguing essay. The train of thought seems sound and clear. The only thing that irks me is the second line in the essay, In this essay alone, I will use the word in one form or another exactly nine times. Do you think you can rephrase it, or even leave it out altogether?
giraffekungfu   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Romeo & Juliet" Common App essay about a risk [5]

Fret not, romantics of the world, the old story of passion over reason can still have a happy ending. Every melodrama needs a sad person. That sad person was me, sitting in the guidance counselor's office, unable to repress the tears from my eyes. Next to me, sat my mother, shaking her head disapprovingly, trying to calm me down as to not further make a scene. She repeated her sound proof to me, as if her righteousness could pacify me, but it only made me cry harder. I knew she was just trying to make sure I would make good decisions, but her unwillingness to accept my choice was heartbreaking.

It was the eighth grade, and I had to decide which high school I would be moving on to. I had been accepted into both *name* and *name*. My mother assumed what was best for me, forcefeeding me her own opinions. She wanted me to go to the school with the better name, certain that the school with more academic prestige will insure a better future for me. Despite that, I rejected her choice. I wanted the more diverse and more open music school, with its charming eccentricities and curious quirks, the school that I fell in love with. Even through threats of being disowned, I remained unmovable in my decision.

Independence empowers individuals by allowing them to make their own decisions about their life. I first tasted independence the moment I refused to bend to the will of my parents by choosing something different for myself. However, personal independence also carries the risks of personal responsibility. I passed the final judgment, and I would have no one else to blame if it led to a horrible outcome. Nonetheless, the risks in my choice were painstakingly obvious; were I not to go to the brainier school, I would lose opportunities that would perhaps help me get into a more renowned college. Indeed, I had lost that advantage.

In the end, going to *name* instead was completely worth it. It allowed me to dedicate three whole periods everyday to pursuing my passion, learning about and performing music. Some of the most unique and talented individuals are my classmates and friends; I come in contact with remarkable people everyday. Their multifarious opinions and viewpoints, spanning the entire spectrum, have enlightened me by exposing me to unfamiliar ideas. I leave this school a more worldly and cultured person. My experience in * name* has been fun, eye-opening and entertaining. Luckily, my first major decision, placing love above propriety, resulted with me happier than I believe I ever could have been in *name*. Brand names aren't everything after all. This is my Romeo and Juliet story, which ended rather nicely, especially with the exclusion of me killing myself.
giraffekungfu   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Romeo & Juliet" Common App essay about a risk [5]

Sorry, the prompt is "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."
giraffekungfu   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Club Leader, Acquaintance , Reason for Choice"- 3 Short Responses [4]

For the third question, you should try to talk more about your own goals and aspirations. The people at Stanford don't need to hear about how great Stanford is. Instead, focus on what you plan to do to make the most of your time there.

And thanks for the feedback on my essay.
giraffekungfu   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Romeo & Juliet" Common App essay about a risk [5]

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I can see how they sounds rebellious. Is this better?

I first tasted independence the moment I refused to bend to the will of my parents by choosing something different that I felt in my heart was right.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳