Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Which one do you prefer, to live in a big city (I incline) or in a small town? [4]

Please help me refine my essay, thanks!

Topic:
Which one do you prefer, to live in a big city or in a small town?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Some people prefer to live in a big city, while others tend to live in a country. The life in a small town may benefit to people's health for less stress and pollution. Nevertheless, there are many advantages for people living to live in the city, such as more facilities, more job opportunities and higher quality of education. For my inclination, I prefer to live in a big city.

First, there are more facilities available in the city, such as convenient public transportation. We can take subway to almost anywhere within only several minutes. However, there may not be such convenient subway in the country, so we have to take a bus, which is much slower than the subway does.

Secondly, big cities provide abundant job opportunities. Numerous people create various needs and thus many jobs. For example, restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers. More household machines in need of repair require more engineers for maintenance. In contrast, population in the country is much less than that in the city; hence the employment rate is much lower/ ,as do employment rate in consequence .

Would this one be better?

Lastly, big cities lend more chances for high quality of education. Well-educated people should know something about everything and everything about something, said Mr. Ford. There are various resources and information readily available in the big city. The residents there can easily acquire books, shows and movies in different fields. On the other hand, those resources might be difficult to obtain for inhabitants in the country.

In sum, I incline to live in the city for those benefits discussed above. Big cities provide more facilities as well as more chances for employments and education. Although there are less polluted environments and stressful lifestyle in the country, these advantages cannot outweigh the attractions for me to choose a big city as a living place. After all, people are people and we all have our own propensity. Residence/ habitation is one of them.

1.Restaurants would hire more employees to serve their customers.
Why should "would" be deleted?

2.For my inclination, I prefer to live in a big city.
I tried to put some transition words to make the sentences develop more flowly.
How to improve it?

Graduate / "A persevering Taiwanese overcome the suffering" - application the university of Utah [NEW]

Please help me refine this essay.

Comments for application to the university of Utah

Note:
Undergraduates: A student may seek special consideration for admission if he/she believes that the traditional academic measures are not indicative of the student's potential for academic success. Students not admitted under the regular admission criteria may be considered for admission on an exception basis if they have characteristics and/or talents which will enhance the life and character of the institution. For example, students who have special talents or are from ethnic minority backgrounds may be considered for admission under this policy. If you believe such provisions apply to you, please note the extraordinary characteristics and provide a brief description in the comment section below.

*Please enter any additional comments you feel are pertinent to this application. Be concise.

It can best describe me that a persevering Taiwanese overcome the suffering from tourette's syndrome, learn about initiation, communication and cooperation from extracurricular activities, and can make a contribution to the university as well as future patent industry.

It is Tourette's syndrome strengthens my commitment to pursue advanced training and to contribute in technical fields and patent industry. Although most of my life is not affected, to overcome the disorder, I have to spend a little time practicing qigong and taking Chinese herb medicine persistently. This experience makes me determined to contribute to the field that can help patients in need of new effective biomedical products. Therefore, I have to study hard in the chemical engineering program, so that I could be qualified to benefit biomedical industry, which needs strategic patenting.

My involvement in extracurricular activities benefits my capacity to solve problem, and even contributes to my college. First, while serving as leader of the NSYSU Wind Band Club, I instituted a new measure in rehearsals by communicating with my team members. Collaborating as a team, we won the club award in 2007. Second, my experience as a student senator helped me become more familiar with the student experience and bylaws used in larger university settings. In this position I independently drafted a fundamental bill which was passed by unanimous decision, and which initiated the smooth function of the student congress. This experience will also help me make a contribution to the international student association in graduate school.

Q: 1. Is this paragraph relevent to the question?
2. Is the topic sentence appropriate?

In the future, I want to become a patent engineer. As a chemist learning about patent infringements, I am convinced of patents' importance for invention protection. I plan to help the results of research to be not only patented, especially in the great China region, but transferred to technical industry. They may be applied and developed into new techniques or products, offering new solutions to practical utilization, such as nanoparticles to cancer detection. In the long term, I want to help the development of Taiwan's biomedical industry with establishing the proprietary position of its products in the worldwide marketplace.

Q: Is this point relevant to the question?

Besides my prior academic experience, my experience in tourette's syndrome and extracurricular activities, along with my patent industry aspirations will additionally help me to be a valuable member of your program.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: spend leisure time outdoors or indoors? [6]

Please help me refine my essay. Thanks a lo! :)

Topic:
Some people prefer to spend their free time outdoors. Other people prefer to spend their leisure time indoors. Would you prefer to be outside or would you prefer to be inside for your leisure activities? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your choice.

People make themselves relax by joining leisure activities, from quietly reading a book to energetically sailing a boat. In general, leisure divides into two categories, indoor and outdoor. In my opinion, although indoor activities are also fun, vigorous outdoor activities can offer a more complete recreation and renewal, which can refresh me up.

Admittedly, indoor activities are fun. There's no doubt that indoor activities like reading a book, watching TV or listening to music can bring us lots of joy. My involvement in those static activities indeed helps me release my complex emotion and relax my mind. Further, being worn out in working, I can take a rest when immersing myself in those activities.

However, being outdoor seems to allow recreation to happen more easily than being indoors do. The word recreation literally means "re-creation'; in other words, creating one's self all over again. Spending time outdoors, people can breathe fresh air, feel the warm sun on their face and enjoy the complete peace that only nature brings. My experience shows that I would feel like a new woman after accomplishing a long walk or run.

In addition, outdoor activities provide me with renewal to the body, mind and soul. This can be well exemplified with one of my favorite leisure activities, climbing mountains. The pristine natural settings bring peace and tranquility; the loneliness presents a chance for reflection and contemplation. On the summit, the sense of accomplishment on reaching the top, along with the completely physical workout and the significantly magnificent view always makes me feel alive and refreshed. I believe other outdoor activities such as deep-sea diving, hot air ballooning and windsurfing offer similar rewards though I've never tried them.

In sum, I incline to participate in outdoor activities in my spare time for those benefits discussed above. Outdoor activities provide recreation and renewal, making me ultimately refreshed. Although I can also have fun in indoor activities, this advantage cannot outweigh the attractions coming from outdoor activities. After all, people are people and we all have our own propensity. Leisure activities are one of them.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: TV has destroyed communication among friends and family? [4]

Please help me refine my essay. Thanks a lot:)

Topic:
Do you agree or disagree that TV has destroyed communication among friends and family? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Some people consider TV has destroyed communication among friends and family, while others tend to enjoy the advantages it brings. TV shows affect one's communication with others in a negative ways by showing lots of violence and sex; nevertheless, we can decide to watch TV appropriately and enjoy beneficial and shared information it provides. In my opinion, TV would not damage communication among friends and family.

Savagery and sexual information could contribute to negative influence on one's thoughts and behaviors. TV can present shows covering violent and sexual activities. Enjoying those ideas too much to discern whether they are right or wrong, people may run into those abnormal ideas. Their behavior may become deviant, and therefore obstruct people's relationships with their family and friends. Eventually, communication among them is also destroyed.

In spite of the disadvantages discussed, we can keep ourselves far away from bad programs. Well-educated individuals should recognize abnormal thinking and actions in TV shows, but also understand their negative effects. If not to be affected is difficult, people should prohibit themselves from watching those shows. In addition, parents should ban their children watching inappropriate TV programs. Rejection to watch bad programs can help us not be involved in deviant behavior and poor communication with others.

Nonetheless, there is good information in TV programs for us to share with our friends and family. We can learn about news and new things from TV, understanding the lives of our friends and family more, and improving interaction and communication with them. Take myself for example. Hearing about news about the company in China in which my brother works, I would develop shared sense with his recent life, despite living far from him. This could create some topics among our not frequent conversation.

Although some TV programs full of violent and sexual activities may impact people's thoughts and behaviors, there is no doubt that others can benefit us with useful information. We can choose not to be exposed to the abnormal information and to learn new things from TV. Therefore, our interaction and communication with our friends and family would not damaged by TV programs, but get advantages from them.