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Posts by marvinapenguin
Joined: Apr 13, 2011
Last Post: Dec 26, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 1  
From: United States of America

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marvinapenguin   
Apr 13, 2011
Undergraduate / A Matter of A Boy and His Head - Columbia Personal Essay [3]

Columbia:

On a separate sheet of paper, write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world-the people in it, events great and small, everyday life-or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).

A Matter of A Boy and His Head
Dashes and lines, the infinite mess of people walking along as I stared blankly into this world they referred to as Earth. I thought why walk forward when you can walk backward? What's the purpose in thinking positively if you can think negatively? Is there any use to cut something when you can burn it? Where is innocence when there seems to be utter corruption at every step? A child's thoughts paced through my mind as I stared at these dashes called people and these lines called lives. Like forming letters on a paper with a man furiously typing with his type writer hearing the harmonious click of letters as a flow of letters exit his mind. Then the quick slash of words or rip of paper as this man's thoughts run short and heavy with mistakes. Just right now I type a letter attaching every inch of being into each key stroke. Allowing my thoughts to flow out easily and smooth and then cut short by the furious tapping of the backspace to delete useless thoughts. I always remembered a line from a book I read, "Stay tough, and stay strong because someday this pain will be useful to you." Most would brush it away as an annoying fly come to pester their life, but I clenched my fist and pressed it to my forward as I dug it into my brain. I never was a child of sheer confidence or adeptness at being the Jack of all trades or Most likely to succeed. Remember that quite shy boy in the back who rarely spoke who held that smile that looked as if he was off in his distant world. Yes, I was that boy always acting as the human communicating as little as possible and with great intellect. Still to this day I'm still that boy on the slippery slope his head held down and his mind held in a distant world. I am a man of many mistakes and a man of many accomplishments but the use of this is nothing. I once thought of happiness and an endless flow of unrealities, but now I think practically with an imagination set on defying every realm of possibility. A possibility is refuted by a single act of thought because through one thought I've already imagined new worlds.
marvinapenguin   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Parasailing made me realize my potential' - significant experience/risk [2]

The idea you have is really good and the unconventional way of expressing the lesson you learned is very interesting. I liked how you described the way you felt with the parasailing and how it connected to you as a whole. To make it a much more powerful essay I feel like you should take the first paragraph and weave in the ideas of how you felt and what you learned after it. For instance you talked about the fear of heights you could maybe describe:

As the I rose into the sky, my body felt the chill and dizzy fear I had known to well. The bitter pangs of fear struck me as I looked down and noticed my height a dizzying memory even from childhood.

Or you said how you pushed yourself:
My hands trembled as I prepared myself for the launch. I couldn't believe I pushed myself so far to this point.

By kind of combining the descriptive and emotions you give yourself the ability to show your writing and your experience and let the readers experience. This helps cut words out so you can stick to the limit. And you have more room in your last paragraph to give your summarized feelings.
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