Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Really! a nice and the best reply! I am working on that.
Thank you!

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Hi,

I thought that my Revision-1 lacked life, so I revised it again and came up with Revision-2. I hope this is better.

'I wouldn't let it through, whether that meant charging at the opponent to grab it, or sliding across the grass to reach it, whatever it took': such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper. Thwarting an attempt on goal is not my only job as being the skipper I must maintain my composure and cheer my team on. Really, it's exciting when the crowds cheer as my team scores or when I make a save. Nevertheless, soccer instills in me the sense of camaraderie, dilligence and persistence that would assist me in attaining my bio-nanotechnology goals.

(100 words)

Thank you!

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Thank you EF_Kevin!

I am working on that. :)

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Hi,

I tried to revise it again but considering the word limit I managed to write the following.

'I won't let it through, whether that meant charging at the opponent to grab it, or sliding across the grass to reach it, whatever it takes!' such ...

SEE BELOW

Please criticize. I hope it's OK. If it is not, is it wise to use Revision-2?

Thank you!

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Hello,

I've made all necessary corrections and hope that this is my LAST correction!!!

'I won't let it through, whether that means charging at the opponent to grab it, or sliding across the grass to reach it, whatever it takes!' Such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper. Thwarting an attempt on goal is not my only job as the skipper. I must maintain my composure and cheer my team on. Nevertheless, the sense of diligence and persistence, which soccer instilled in me, will accompany me in my college years as I try to attain my bio-nanotechnology dream of inventing the 'AV nanites'. (93 words)

Thank you!

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Hi EF,

Well all my essays are almost finished and since I have enough time in my hand, I want to experiment with my essays. So in pursuit of an interesting read, I changed soccer to cricket.

Here it is.

'You tricked me! I thought it wouldn't turn,' plead my victim to stay in the crease but the umpire raises his finger and 'He's out!' After years of wrist-twisting training, I have mastered the leg-spin in my favorite sport of cricket. No wonder my RCC team-mates call me the 'Sheikh of Twist' as I can spin the ball to a staggering forty degrees from its course. Nonetheless, I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist!

(100 words)

Is it better than the soccer one? Is it interesting? Most importantly, does it convey my real motive?

Thanks for helping! :)

Undergraduate / (knowledge and a commitment to service; my family) - Spelman College [3]

Hi Kendia,

The main theme of this essay is that you didn't drop out from studies when others did because of your love for reading and gaining knowledge.

The theme is good. However, I think....I think that your introduction is a bit trite as the admission officers will possibly read hundreds of essays saying that they love reading but 'What's that special in you?' This is the question you must answer.

OK! Let's see how to make your essay better.

First of all begin with a dialogue. And put your story in the narrative tone. For instance, take the teenage pregnancy case. Take your friend to be the victim.

'I'm dropping out!' The words struck me right into the heart. 'What?' The silence said it all....IN THIS WAY YOU CAN CONTINUE YOUR STORY PLOT ON HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS THE VICTIM OF TEEN-AGE PREGNANCY AND HOW YOUR CONSCIENCE AND LOVE OF LEARNING HELPED YOU TO STAY IN YOUR PATH.

I hope that works! :)

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

'To stay in the crease' means to bat for long like it's in baseball!

I guess it would be OK if I change the tone.

'You tricked me! I thought it wouldn't turn,' pleads my victim to bat for long but the umpire raises his finger: 'He's out!' After years of wrist-twisting training, I have mastered the leg-spin in my favorite sport of cricket. No wonder my RCC team-mates call me the 'Sheikh of Twist' as I can spin the ball to a staggering forty degrees from its course. Nonetheless, I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist!

(98 words)

I hope I cleared the confusion! :)

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Hi!

I hope this is OK!

'You tricked me! I thought it wouldn't turn,' pleads my victim to stay on strike but the umpire raises his finger: 'He's out!' After years of wrist-twisting training, I have mastered the leg-spin in my favorite sport of cricket. No wonder my RCC team-mates call me the 'Sheikh of Twist' as I can spin the ball to a staggering forty degrees from its course. Nonetheless, I want to 'twist' the future of bio-nanotechnology by inventing the 'nanites' with the sense of assiduity and persistence that cricket instilled in me and by being the 'Sheikh of Tweak'- the perfectionist!

(98 words)

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Thank you EF_Kevin.

Now I declare this thread officially closed. And I am thankful to the following persons:

EF_Kevin (the most)
Writefluidity
Whitney
Isai

Thank you guys! :)