Posts by writefluidity

writefluidity

Apr 28, 2011

Writing Feedback / Essay on Mark Twain and his writing style [3]

There's many MANY grammar errors in the piece, I would not and this in until all the errors are corrected, because it doesn't make it very easy to read. Just my two cents. Work on your present and past tense. Also, reading the essay aloud to yourself will probably to help point out certain errors, for I can't search the whole essay and correct them all. Once they're corrected, you have a good piece. Except to remember, don't be repetitive. No need to repeat things that were already said. Good luck!

writefluidity

Apr 28, 2011

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

Here's a little piece of advice. When writing an essay like this, it might be best to take a narrative tone to it. For example:

"I stood under the goal, the smell of freshly mown grass lofting easily in the air, my hair moving slightly in the breeze. My eyes zeroed it on the ball, trying to track it down with my stare, not letting it escape my gaze. I wouldn't let it through the goal. Whether that ment charging at an opposite team to grab the ball, or slide across the grass to reach it, what ever it took. My team trusted me, and I would make sure that trust was valued. This is what it means to be a soccer player."

Perhaps something like that? It's worth a try, to add a creative edge to it:)

Otherwise, good start!

writefluidity

Jun 28, 2011

Undergraduate / "The feeling of being dead weight" - FSU, bump in the road [3]

Alright, I had to choose to answer two questions. The first prompt I'm answering asks 'if there was a bump in the road in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances'. There was a 'bump in the road, which actually caused my grades to plumet sophmore year, and carried onto first semester of junior year. Here is why. Any advice would be great. I need to write a very good essay, only can be 250 words.Please and thank you!

I couldn't get over that feeling of being dead weight. I attempted to be calm as I comprehended I couldn't help him. The doctors couldn't, the medicine couldn't, and the therapy couldn't. He had cancer, which was eating away at him in painful steps, and he soon found that his life was coming to an end. He recognized it and was willing to greet his death with open arms, knowing his ending was inevitable. I, however, refused to grasp that. Herb was a second father to me, someone who was almost equally as important as my own father. My childhood memories were painted with recollections of him, and I began to consider him a permanent fixture in my life. Then the cancer appeared. I tried to remain strong, to show hope, but his ending was already decided for him. He left the world, and my grades plummeted drastically, finding it difficult to concentrate on anything but him my sophomore year. During my junior year, I grieved over the past, and I tried to disregard what happened. You can close your eyes to what you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to what you don't want to feel. I am unquestionably strong, having dealt with a death my past two years of high school. I've now learned to not let such things affect academics and social life, and to overcome adversity. After experiencing this, there are times I will trip up a bit, but you will never see me fall.

Any advice is great:)